I'm going to try and make a very long story very short.
While Karezza has allowed my husband and I to enjoy sex without goals and expectations, and appreciate sex as something pure, honest, and loving... there is still something missing from the picture. Karezza brings you closer mentally and emotionally, and some of that is expressed through the body, but it's not the same as really OWNING your sexuality and being present in your body.
We will often practice Karezza for a length of time, and then go back to conventional sex for a bit of fun, and then return to karezza to recharge. But I have always had a problem during conventional sex- I can't let go. I can't express myself freely. I hesitate with my touch, I never initiate, I don't enjoy myself.
This comes from having a mother who taught me that sex was dangerous, men were dangerous, being sexy was shameful, dressing sexy was shameful, only stupid girls have crushes on boys and talk about boys, it's not safe to walk down the street, it's not safe to drink alcohol at parties because someone will date rape you, sex on TV and in movies is disgusting and embarrassing, people use sex to hurt each other, men only want sex from women, etc. I would be yelled at for wearing a shirt that was too low cut, I wasn't allowed to date, I wasn't allowed to wear a bikini...
You know the deal. The classic shame-game.
Having a loving husband has healed a lot of this for me. Giving birth to my son was a very empowering experience, and we had some very free, expressive conventional sex for a while after that happened a year ago, and I thought my problems were solved but they are back again. I can't let go of my anxiety and just have fun in bed. And my husband can tell, and it frustrates him because I'm not being the conquering goddess sexual free spirit that he needs me to be, and that I need me to be. I touch him timidly. I am unsure of myself. He doesn't feel caressed, or cherished, and I don't feel desire, like I don't even want to touch him.
I'm scared of seeing him be sexually pleased by me, because I've been taught that it's dirty and wrong to be sexually pleasing. I don't feel safe being sexual in my body. I don't accept my body as sexual. I don't accept my need to let go, be free, express myself sexually. I've been taught to value my intelligence and to look down on and suppress my sexual desires. But it's confusing, because we have a very active sex life, so it's not like I have become frigid or I can't orgasm or something. I feel sexual pleasure just fine, I just feel it with a lot of fear on top of it. I used to experience a great deal of pain with sex, but that is gone since having my child.
How do I change this mentality? How do I open up and be free? How do I accept that my body is beautiful, sexual, etc and that it's ok to think that, and it's ok for my husband to think that too? And how do I learn to desire sex, and want to initiate sex, and enjoy sex with fear?