Hello all... Mr. tornfromabook here. Thought I would update on where my wife and I are at, especially since there has been a lot of growth lately.
First of all, I just want to comment on how amazingly easy it is for this entire Karezza worldview to go completely out the window with even a short period of conventional sex. We have been going down this road for 5 years now; everytime we get back into Karezza, it's like "OMG this explains everything, no wonder we were so unhappy and distant" and everytime we fall off the wagon, it's like "Karezza is just a bunch of bullshit, all those problems are just the way things are, men and women can't get along (and all the usual sterotypes)". It is literally like falling asleep again. Unbelievable. I say that as a way to encourage those of you who encounter similar difficulty. This is a path of sexuality that runs counter to pretty much everything our culture has programmed into us. It is bound to be difficult.
Luckily, we are not in that asleep place at the moment and things have really deepened in a new way. A lot of this has to do with changes in our headspace about the nature of relationships in general. I will let her tell her side of it but for me, as a man, I have really revisioned my idea of the man's role in relationships. The tendency for liberal, progressive culture is to elevate the woman and compensate for the past sins of traditional manhood by making man more subservient and passive in the relationship. And I do think this is an effective means to some degree when it comes to fixing the uber-macho stupidity of typically male gender roles. BUT now I see it as a kind of stepping stone on the learning path. In reality, the feminine does not really want to be "in charge", she is dynamic and elusive and moving and the proper function of the masculine is to be unmoveable, stable. The negative version of this is stubbornness and aggressive, but there is a positive manifestation of it that is like calm assertiveness, relaxed stability. Something like that. "staying power" is what I'm talking about.
That feeling has grown in me, althoughI used to have absolutely none of it (back when I was young and masturbating everyday). But as I have been progressing down this path of non-ejaculation, I have become more rooted and unmoveable; but my unmoveableness is not stubbornness but more like absolute relaxation. This has changed the dynamic of our relationship tremendously. The only way I can describe it is that I can "stand" her more. I guess I'm talking about patience. It used to be that if she was unsteady, wavering, displaying any kind of ineptitude or uncertainty, I would criticize her and put the responsibility on her to center herself. I would ask her to just tell me what she wanted. But now none of her feminine dynamism frustrates me, I can just stand it. I'm like an anchor. When she is uncertain, I tell her what I think the right thing to do is. When she falters, I calmly offer assistance.
In fact, I notice this in all relationships around me- all fights start with the woman doing something and the man getting frustrated because he can't "stand" it. So it really is the man's fault, sorry guys! It is proper for woman to be dynamic and shifting.
So I have heard this all over and even in this community there is often talk about man being the 'captain' and woman the 'boat'; now I get it, that the proper thing for a man to be is a guide; the trick is that man has to be good. You must do the work you need to do on yourself, spiritually, physically, etc, to be full in your maleness and clean of your emotional neediness, and then you can be of use to a woman. I now believe that sex is really for women; I mean I am happy to take part of course haha. But there should be no taking on the part of the man during sex. Or in the relationship. He shouldn't need to take anything, and he won't if he is full in himself (not full OF himself, which is the negative version).
A big part of this for me has been staying consistent in my meditation practice. It has deepened my ability to provide the physical stability for my wife to unfold her bliss. What I have been doing in meditation is rooting- focusing on the breath in my tailbone, sacrum, belly and lower dan tien. Doing this for half an hour everyday spills over into the rest of the day and I am much more aware of my base chakra energies in general. In fact, I am on the brink of being able to have internal orgasms I think. I have built up my energy to the point where I can sit in meditation and circulate near-orgasmic sexual energy throughout my body with zero fantasy, zero physical stimulation... just me and my beautiful nervous system and bliss, taking the time to feel love for myself. All of this has made me a much more solid partner, has made me more open to love in general and much more resilient to the culture of lust that is shoving itself down your throat everywhere you turn.
So if there are any guys who are starting down this path, these are things I can recommend- if you masturbate, eliminate all visual stimulation and fantasy and just enjoy / love yourself; practice rooting meditation or at least focus on relaxing your tailbone as you go about your day; when you have sex, remain totally in your body and put all of your attention on relaxing your tailbone and maintaining openness of breath. I have found that if you can relax your tailbone and never stop breathing during sex, you will never really be in danger of ejaculating.
Lastly, I want to suggest that this community would benefit by thinking of ejaculation as the thing to avoid, not orgasm; it enforces the idea that these are one and the same. "orgasm" really is a slippery word that applies to a wide range of sexual phenomena, and not all of them are bad. In fact, I think women especially need to be open to their orgasmic potential, just not the kind that are like male ejaculations (the kind you strive toward and feel like energy drains down and out of you). Now that I have started to experience the beginnings of internal orgasm, I think that this is something that really needs to be advocated, especially to younger males, as the healthy alternative to ejaculation.