Tortoise's blog

Returning

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Submitted by Tortoise on

Hi ,

it was close to three years ago when I was last on this site. This community of essentially strangers helped me so much in processing my struggles with a crumbling marriage. I was trying to salvage or "reunite" a tattered and shredded and macerated sexual relationship. Which really was only the tip of the iceberg for a relationship that was loving in some ways but so very codependent and dysfunctional in most others.

Charged

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Submitted by Tortoise on

CAUTION.. explicit sexually charging material follows.

I am just sharing my experiences to reinforce some of this in my head.. or body .. or both... and to get some advise.

covet

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Submitted by Tortoise on

It has struck me that I am on a forum primarily designed for those who actually have a sexual relationship of some type with a partner.

I do not.. haven't for over a year and a half and it really looks like my prospects for a intimate relationship that has any sexual content is many months away at best.

Even more striking to me is that I don't seem to be overly concerned about this. Well I will say now that I have said this I am a bit concerned about a loss of libido.

story

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Submitted by Tortoise on

Hey,

So it has been a while since my last entry on the forum.. thought I would update my saga.

A saga is what it has felt like. A saga and a struggle. The reality for me like everyone is that we tell ourselves a story and then rehash the story over and over. As if it makes the story more real the more I rewind and press play.

I don't want to sound to cryptic here. Unless you have read some of my other blog entries you have no idea what my story is.

breach

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Submitted by Tortoise on

Today was such a new day... speaking of stating the obvious :) But really I felt renewed in my sense of self . Solo Karezza is definitely part of it. A renewed energy and focus on literally loving myself .. no PMO.. It honestly isn't the painful obsession it was for me a month or so ago. Avoiding everyday sexual triggers was a major effort. Seeing a nice round bottom, the sweep of a thigh or cleavage used to be such a difficult thing. Even pretty faced newscasters had to be avoided to keep my cravings in check. ok that is odd.

concerned?

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Submitted by Tortoise on

Well I am a strong man and a patient man. My biology too is trying to run the show sometimes.. and this aspect is getting more pronounced.

This man who knows what he wants is under assault from his biology . No .. I am not using this as an excuse. This is truly a difficult and lonely path at times. Full of uncertainties that make resisting going with what "feels natural" exponentially more difficult.

hope

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Submitted by Tortoise on

My mind tells me it is ok while my ego is struggling..

This may not seem a story for a Karezza forum at first but it will become evident it is very pertinent.

My wife who I have been separated from for over a year has been very honest with me recently. Part of me wishes she would just keep it to herself.

discomfort

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Submitted by Tortoise on

So. It has been about a month since my last orgasm.

Emotionally I have been able to handle and process the rise and fall of my psyche .. and overall my obsession has been tolerable although not easy.

But now my body is having trouble. I have been meditating and running and weight lifting and topically cooling as it were.

I am in genuine discomfort. My scrotum, testicles, perineum, lower colon and abdomen ache.. there is a fullness.. like a lead balloon centrally inside my pelvic canal.. honestly feels like constipation but it is not.

how not to talk about Karezza.

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Submitted by Tortoise on

This morning I was giving my separated wife a ride home from getting her car serviced. Out of the blue again she says I am the best friend she has ever had and the best man she has ever known and she wants to be with me the rest of her life even though she knows sex with me will never be very good. Yes she actually said this.

checking in

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Submitted by Tortoise on

So. I had been doing relatively well with my solo experiment. But after several weeks of no orgasms an overwhelming loneliness and despair took over. I had developed what I had hoped to be a balanced way to cope with being alone almost every night and morning.
I havent had any sleep overs with my separated wife since New Years.. and even then she allowed me to massage her back to sleep but because of a squeeky bed requested I move to the couch so as not to wake her with my shifting or rolling over. Our pattern emerges again.

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