Today was such a new day... speaking of stating the obvious :) But really I felt renewed in my sense of self . Solo Karezza is definitely part of it. A renewed energy and focus on literally loving myself .. no PMO.. It honestly isn't the painful obsession it was for me a month or so ago. Avoiding everyday sexual triggers was a major effort. Seeing a nice round bottom, the sweep of a thigh or cleavage used to be such a difficult thing. Even pretty faced newscasters had to be avoided to keep my cravings in check. ok that is odd.
As I said in a previous entry I still have some difficulty with being alone. At times I think I need nothing and nobody.. I will not let an erroneous sense of self containment replace my true humanity. That was made evident today and in the past. At least today the rote raw sexuality of previous times was absent .. now however more deeply feeling a bit of a void develop when I am in range of a certain energy. .. a subconscious magnetism ... and I happen to look up..
Because of this.. as stated before I consciously avoid eye contact unless I am focused on my intellect and profession. It is my job and the dreamy part of my mind is shoved into the background. Safe. not vulnerable to the void.
But if I am in a heart space.. not being very mindful.. a dazed state I drift into occasionally. . A reflex of sort kicks in. Kind of like when I am at sea sailing. My passion. I am relaxed.. no thought .. my subconscious slowly draws my eyes to a spot out in the water. Nothing really there to see at first.. a dreamy stare when suddenly a whale breaks the surface to breach.. takes my breath away.. whales or dolphin or even sailfish .. repeatedly this has happened throughout the years. my conscious mind suddenly snaps to attention .. my intellect thinks I imagined it .. until others look to see the bubbles and the splash I am pointing at .. an energy magnet my science mind cannot explain.
The same phenomenon but a startling energy difference has occasionally been occurring since my solo karezza experiment. It seems an odd comparison but I have become strongly drawn to a yin energy much as the spot on the ocean. This has only recently been occurring.. and yes if my wife enters the room it becomes powerful before I even know it has happened. Not to take the wind out of those who love the soul mate notion.. but other yin energies also draw my eyes into theirs. not sexual objectivity of former times, This is a spiritual draw.
This is not meant to sound like a cheesy romance novel.. this is actually what I experience. It takes a split second but leaves me with a palpable void that is .. unpleasant.
Absently I glance up and meet her eyes. Always left eye with my left eye. window to the soul and all . my eye melts into her iris.. seeing all the little flecks of contrasting shades of colors .. I draw down through the black pit of her pupil and actually feel her. Really do. Her presence .. her energy. Then it is gone. just a quick glance but the vulnerable feelings on both sides are intense and pleasurable for a brief time.. we turn away .. the breach has happened and now fades into bubbles on the surface. Unlike the residual feeling of fullness I get from the ocean breach.. in this soul breach I am left with an open void for a while .. a longing. it goes away and becomes that subtle underlying sadness that follows us in our self contained shell.
I like to feel I am full and need nothing. I reside with my own inner beauty. Then a simple glance shoots me down. A breach of my rule to not turn the sign to open right now. I need to be with myself alone. A breach of mindfulness. a breach of my perceived autonomy. A reminder I have so much work to do.