breach

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Today was such a new day... speaking of stating the obvious :) But really I felt renewed in my sense of self . Solo Karezza is definitely part of it. A renewed energy and focus on literally loving myself .. no PMO.. It honestly isn't the painful obsession it was for me a month or so ago. Avoiding everyday sexual triggers was a major effort. Seeing a nice round bottom, the sweep of a thigh or cleavage used to be such a difficult thing. Even pretty faced newscasters had to be avoided to keep my cravings in check. ok that is odd.

As I said in a previous entry I still have some difficulty with being alone. At times I think I need nothing and nobody.. I will not let an erroneous sense of self containment replace my true humanity. That was made evident today and in the past. At least today the rote raw sexuality of previous times was absent .. now however more deeply feeling a bit of a void develop when I am in range of a certain energy. .. a subconscious magnetism ... and I happen to look up..

Because of this.. as stated before I consciously avoid eye contact unless I am focused on my intellect and profession. It is my job and the dreamy part of my mind is shoved into the background. Safe. not vulnerable to the void.

But if I am in a heart space.. not being very mindful.. a dazed state I drift into occasionally. . A reflex of sort kicks in. Kind of like when I am at sea sailing. My passion. I am relaxed.. no thought .. my subconscious slowly draws my eyes to a spot out in the water. Nothing really there to see at first.. a dreamy stare when suddenly a whale breaks the surface to breach.. takes my breath away.. whales or dolphin or even sailfish .. repeatedly this has happened throughout the years. my conscious mind suddenly snaps to attention .. my intellect thinks I imagined it .. until others look to see the bubbles and the splash I am pointing at .. an energy magnet my science mind cannot explain.

The same phenomenon but a startling energy difference has occasionally been occurring since my solo karezza experiment. It seems an odd comparison but I have become strongly drawn to a yin energy much as the spot on the ocean. This has only recently been occurring.. and yes if my wife enters the room it becomes powerful before I even know it has happened. Not to take the wind out of those who love the soul mate notion.. but other yin energies also draw my eyes into theirs. not sexual objectivity of former times, This is a spiritual draw.

This is not meant to sound like a cheesy romance novel.. this is actually what I experience. It takes a split second but leaves me with a palpable void that is .. unpleasant.

Absently I glance up and meet her eyes. Always left eye with my left eye. window to the soul and all . my eye melts into her iris.. seeing all the little flecks of contrasting shades of colors .. I draw down through the black pit of her pupil and actually feel her. Really do. Her presence .. her energy. Then it is gone. just a quick glance but the vulnerable feelings on both sides are intense and pleasurable for a brief time.. we turn away .. the breach has happened and now fades into bubbles on the surface. Unlike the residual feeling of fullness I get from the ocean breach.. in this soul breach I am left with an open void for a while .. a longing. it goes away and becomes that subtle underlying sadness that follows us in our self contained shell.

I like to feel I am full and need nothing. I reside with my own inner beauty. Then a simple glance shoots me down. A breach of my rule to not turn the sign to open right now. I need to be with myself alone. A breach of mindfulness. a breach of my perceived autonomy. A reminder I have so much work to do.

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You're

a great writer. Wish I had gotten that gene. Wink

It's not unhealthy to want connection. It only gets unhealthy...as some point...if the other person isn't open to it and you keep seeking it.

Thank you for the compliment

Thank you for the compliment Marnia.

In light of a new development just this morning you are exactly who I have a general question for... and your response above provides a perfect segue to this question. I invite anyone to respond.. but the resident expert is here. amazing opportunity.

In one of my recent ramblings I mentioned how I presented to my separated wife a quick proposal about getting together for a half hour every day for a bonding behavior.. and how this might slowly rekindle some attraction or bonding.

I thought she was too angry to even hear it but apparently it stuck somewhere in her mind. This morning she texted me out of the blue ... "Want you to know I am willing to try the half hour a day thing" .. I follow up with "OK. Nice. Something to start next week" (I am going out of town tomorrow) .. she returns text "But no freak outs if some days don't work out as you expect" me .. "for sure.. this is new territory. I have no expectations. I do know some days wont work out. There is no pressure anywhere"

So she is willing. She does want connection. And I realize I need to relax into this fact.

Honestly we are babes in the woods when it comes to this. We really have never bonded other than as friends.. I realized this. Our sexual experiences have only been excited mating behaviors.. evolving into tense mutual masturbation using each others genitals.. We haven't French kissed in over 10 years.. I love kissing with tongues but it felt pushy or overbearing or something to her long ago. Ok so I am getting ahead of myself.. calming down.

I mean I have read CPA and understand what these bonding behaviors are.. I read the list on page 178 and say .. yes these are good.. except the kissing with lips and tongue or touching and sucking nipples and breasts or holding hands over genitals.. Obviously these are upper level bonding behaviors I will love to explore once I get past bonding 101, 102 and 103.. maybe at the 400 level.

I know this is an individual thing I need to just feel out.. not literally. But any advise as to what non threatening.. less awkward. . loving not forced behavior might be good for a half hour a day. The most bang for the buck so to speak.. maybe bang isn't the right word.. but you get the idea. We live apart and don't see a lot of each other on any regular basis. This is all she is ready for.. she reinforced without my asking she doesn't want me moving back in.

Something akin to the early exchanges? Like an active thing? Or stillness? just being together. I guess I know her best so this is really a difficult question for strangers to specifically answer not knowing personalities.. I can tell you sucking nipples is possibly never going to happen.. smiling with eye contact happens whenever we see each other anyway.

I have massaged her for very long periods of time and she loves this but she has only allowed me to be around her for one 5 day vacation and a few random days.. I massage her and she seems to bond a little but maybe consistency every day is the key. If I just give her massages.. does that allow her to bond with me or do you think it needs to be an exchange ? I mean I want this to work.. I will bond with her as I massage her because I always just love giving.. but will she bond with me from just me giving to establish trust or does she need to give me a short massage too? or should I pick something neutral that I like.... listening to her heartbeat or her cradling my head.

Maybe I should show her the list and have her pick? Ok I will calm down again. I don't want to seem needy or neurotic.. and I wont with her.. because she will judge me that way at the first hint of neediness or self doubt. You anonymous people wont.

I was thinking holding or spooning in silence for a half hour... maybe even trying to synchronize breathing during this. Hell I don't know..

Show her the list? Confidently pick something or some routine?

Any suggestions?.. other than just chilling out.. this I know.

Sorry I am so amped up here. This is a glimmer of hope and I don't want to fuck it up. I am going on a retreat of sorts tomorrow and grounding myself in myself and not making this too much about just her will need to be my focus.

I completely identify with

I completely identify with the list of "high level" bonding behaviors! I have not suggested them to my wife either. I started by letting her pick and mostly it was hand holding or sitting close. I have begun suggesting bonding that involve a little more eye contact. I'm not sure why, but looking at each other (or at least facing each other) seems to force a little intentionality and engagement.

For us, it also gently pushes through the barriers and walls that have been erected over the years. When she is looking at me, she can not disengage from me. Also, looking at each other and facing each other is incredibly intimate but also non-sexual. It does not trigger old tensions or anxiety, but it is still being very vulnerable and open. It feels like real progress and is not super easy, but it is also not sexually threatening.

Not sure if that makes sense, but it has seemed like a significant step for us.

How exciting!

I'd start with your idea of letting her choose. If she blanks, suggest a foot massage and give her feet some loving attention. Another non-threatening one is a head massage. And remember, there will be ups and downs, good days and bad. This kind of major U-turn is not linear. So stay as centered as possible and plan to work off your tension by running or some other vigorous exercise.

If the intimacy is too much, suggest just lying next to each other listening to music and relaxing. The goal is to put her into parasympathetic mode.Dirol

You should know within a few weeks if they are working. Remember...this will not be linear, so don't let backward trends jar your confidence and optimism!

Wow! I'm really happy for you.

I know right? I'm very

I know right? I'm very excited. It is a huge stretch for her.

I do know this wont be linear.. I just hope the overall trend is bonding. I am familiar enough with the ups and downs of this separation... but this is a major unexpected surprise.

You think there could be improvement in just a few weeks? Wow. that would be amazing!

I will let her choose and emphasize selfless not hungry touch in whatever she chooses. Or just holding space together without trying too hard.

I will keep you posted. see what you think and develop my thoughts. Just arranging the time consistently without kids around is the first hurdle. Love them but it is hard to give them the slip :) High maintenance little bastards... er angels.

Yeah, good luck with the angels

But a half-hour of alone-time for mom and dad sets a healthy example for the kids. They're also going to have to learn how to balance intimacy in their lives as adults. Nourishing contact between parents indirectly nourishes the entire family.

Just a thought

I agree with Marnia. At the same time, I could see it being really hard for the kids to stay away, since they're wondering what's going on and wanting attention from both of you?

It might be possible to find a swimming / gymnastics / soccer lesson that keeps all the kids busy at the same time? And possibly you two could have bonding time in the bleachers?

My husband and I have enjoyed just holding hands and sitting close together at these kinds of things. There are often some kind of bleachers, which are good for giving back rubs.

I know this setting is fairly limiting, but on the other hand, she'll know things can't possibly escalate, and that might help her comfort level at this stage?

I am back from my retreat

I am back from my retreat with a head cold.. but some amazing work was done by men.

She has an understandible fear of getting my head cold so I knew no physical contact would be possible. So

At my office on Monday I asked my wife up to my house (I live in an appartment above my office right now) during the lunch hour. We talked and listened intently to each other for a half hour. Very pleasant. At the end I said this was our half hour of bonding today. she was happy. so was I.

She couldn't make it yesterday but today again we just sat and talked about nice neutral stuff. I listened and engaged. She did too.

There is no physical contact yet but eventually we may work toward a foot rub or something.. but for now it seems to be a good interaction. Just simply talking.. no lunch date or movie.. just words and eye contact.

I hope this is bonding for her.. I know it is for me. Just a small glance from her is bonding for me though.