CAUTION.. explicit sexually charging material follows.
I am just sharing my experiences to reinforce some of this in my head.. or body .. or both... and to get some advise.
So I recently have been getting a bit sexually charged .. well a lot sexually charged..because my wife and I .. well primarily me.. are doing some bonding behaviors. I have been giving her non sexual back and foot and neck rubs when we are together two or three times a week. She has invited me for sleepovers kind of randomly two or three nights a week and we just hang out on the bed watching a movie.. I always offer to give her a massage and she loves it.. and I love giving it.. she says she is going to reciprocate because it is only fair.. and she did once for a brief time.. which was awesome :) But I love massaging her and for 30 - 60 min every night I am there ... and for about 20 min in the morning I massage her.
I expect nothing in return as I used to. My massages of her used to be precursor to our sexual encounters where she would never do anything but enjoy her massage and then reluctantly roll over, spread her legs, grab her vibrator and expect me to be erect.. which I usually was with the help of Levitra. In the last two minitues of her massage she would say "get yourself ready" and I would stroke my penis and vigerously.. grabbingly massage her perfect round booty... watch it bounce and jiggle.. That got me going.. Then she would roll over .. I would lube up and she would use her vibrator on her clit as I fucked her with just he first half of my penis.. she would orgasm within a few minutes.. then I was allowed to fully enter her .. I always wanted to fuck her for a long time but she wanted me to orgasm quickly so we could just be done.
This was our sex life for years. The massage took about an hour.. she would just fall asleep after my massage unless she had made an agreement to have sex. which was ever other week usually.. Then the sex took about 15min. I felt deprived and most other days masturbated to the thought of her or porn and ejaculated two to six times a day. Even after we had sex about an hour later I would masturbate and ejaculate.. I lived in a pemanent hangover.. very depressed except for the days when she said she would have sex with me. If I couldn't get it up for her.. which began to fail more and more,, even with ED drugs.. We both got angry.. I knew it would be another week or two before I had another chance.. so all we did was fight when it came to sex.. she would never discuss it. Now she finally will. We have couples counseling today again.. and sex is on the agenda. I am a bit scared.
Why am I mentioning this in such detail? Because I need input on how to proceed now. Hopefully the counseling will do this too.
I am massaging her again but with a different mindset.. My cock does not seem to be paying attention to my mindset.. or I guess it is standing at attention in spite of my mindset. We both are wearing underwear when I rub her and I am just giving her love as I massage her and not vigorously grabbing .. I am thinking about just a warm glow coming from my hands to give to her heart.. and I love this. I am taking no ED drugs obviously and havent for a year and a half or more. But.. I am thankful she is on her tummy and can't see me because most of the time I have a half erection and about a third of the time I have a full erection pitching a tent in my underwear.
I am honestly not trying to go there in my mind but I find her body so attractive it just seems to happen. She is gorgeous. but I am not thinking about that.
It just feels like I could fall back into an obcession with needing to fuck her. I am not allowing myself to go there when I am around her. and when she rolls over and we talk and relax.. My penis relaxes into a chubby .. which I hide from her.
But when I go home to my own bed the next day I randomly feel an overwhelming need to ejaculate. I meditate this away usually. But after no orgasms for months I simply couldn't stop and quickly .. painfully ejaculated a couple days ago with very little effort. Oh my God was it pleasurable for a few seconds... the hangover is immense. Everything is negative .. I recognise it is this hangover.. .. talk about glass half empty syndrome.
Ok so I am a human being and I am not beating myself up about breaking my no orgasm streak. I am just concerned about how to not become sexually charged this way with my wife. I cannot get her panty clad roundness out of my head. I so want to just think about it and orgasm a thousand times. and I could.. and then feel like my life essence was drained out of me.
I should just ice my balls and move on .. that is what I am doing.. again now just because I wrote this detailed account. I am such an idiot sometimes.. so any advise is welcomed. Yes I know I could massage her fully clothed.. but before bed it seems strange.. and she is not going to bed fully clothed or waking up fully clothed.. frankly it wouldnt matter if she were wearing a gunny sack.. I can feel her softeness through anything. and I know what is under there. .. underwear. :/