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Submitted by Tortoise on
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So. I had been doing relatively well with my solo experiment. But after several weeks of no orgasms an overwhelming loneliness and despair took over. I had developed what I had hoped to be a balanced way to cope with being alone almost every night and morning.
I havent had any sleep overs with my separated wife since New Years.. and even then she allowed me to massage her back to sleep but because of a squeeky bed requested I move to the couch so as not to wake her with my shifting or rolling over. Our pattern emerges again.
Since then I have been alone in my appartment every night. Self soothing touch and meditation combined with a lot of exercise and some limited social activity seemed to quell the desire demon.
A barrage of subtle triggers are a constant in my life. My triggers are not just the obvious curve of a hip or gentle sweep of a outer thigh in the women that surround me. Scents and sounds and especially the yin energy moving around me becomes a difficult thing to allow to pass through and not desire to meld with it .. even if only in fantasy.
Combine this with a feeling of congestion in my root/groin and all the other stresses of life and love lost in a separated heart sick husband and his addiction blinks it's innocent eyes and says come. Literally. So I did.
Any average person would say no big deal... you just jerked off and had an orgasm. I didn't even fall back to porn. Which is a definite victory. Truthfully I am not really upset with my apparent weakness. I am upset with the despair even worsening as a result.
My mind and body are getting tired of waiting and tired of celibacy. Even this forum and especially anecdotes of others success in couples Karezza are painful for me. How selfish is that? I read of women being overwhelmed with wanting PIV from the man they love and I get very depressed.. knowing I will never have that kind of acceptance. I fear I will never have any chance in the quagmire that has surrounded my marriage. Anything even approaching a spiritual sexual intimacy seems impossible with my separated wife. I am trying to have hope that it can happen if I relax and give us time. Which she continues to need.. more time to heal but time seems to be going in reverse for us.
See what one orgasm does to me.