Well I am a strong man and a patient man. My biology too is trying to run the show sometimes.. and this aspect is getting more pronounced.
This man who knows what he wants is under assault from his biology . No .. I am not using this as an excuse. This is truly a difficult and lonely path at times. Full of uncertainties that make resisting going with what "feels natural" exponentially more difficult.
When alone as a man .. at least for me .. the casual glance or eye contact and smile with one of the multitude of seductresses out there is like a mine field for me. I wear my wedding ring prominently and try to just keep my eyes down.. like when you are with your significant other. It is a matter of respect then.. for me now it is a matter of survival.
Yes this sounds dramatic.. but it is for me. Being many weeks into "solo karezza" has increased some triggers in this stage. Not sexual or masturbating triggers. More the longing for nurturing triggers. I want to get lost in my lovers eyes. I want her to cradle my head in her lap.
The reason for my concern right now is not this normal longing. It is that I seriously don't believe my separated wife will ever nurture me. I simply cannot even fathom her doing this.
I know Marnia will say regular bonding behaviors are essential.. and I am trying .. limited to eye contact and the occasional back rub for her. A miracle is what I need. She spends virtually every night she has away from the kids with her best friend (besides me) who happens to be very safe and very gay. Yes this is better than with her former lover.. but. .
Anyway that is a whole other story.. somewhat predictable with her history. That sounds rude.. but true. Some gentle boundaries will eventually need to be explored.
That is the story of my life though.. eventually. It will be scary when eventually gets here.
The long and the short of it is that I realized how unbonded I am with my wife..this is a recent occurance for me. It feels like I am ready to just let her go. Yet I love her and want to be with her. Very confusing to say the least. The loss of an intimate bond is no longer just her loss for me.. which was obvious two years ago.. but my bonding for her has finally bit the dust.
Maybe this is good though. My independence and love for myself has bloomed recently.. yet I miss her companionship.. not the longing to fuck her and be validated . So this is good.. right?