My mind tells me it is ok while my ego is struggling..
This may not seem a story for a Karezza forum at first but it will become evident it is very pertinent.
My wife who I have been separated from for over a year has been very honest with me recently. Part of me wishes she would just keep it to herself.
We are best friends still. She says I am the best friend she has ever had and I am the only person she can truly be herself around. She says she wants to grow old with me and she loves me to her soul. She tells me I am the smartest most beautiful person she has ever known and just loves being around me.
Obviously this is wonderful and warms my heart. We have been to a few couples counseling sessions and they are going well.
As you may have guessed from my run up there is the other shoe that I will drop.
She doesn't think she could ever be sexually intimate with me. She wants to be with me but doesn't know if she can sacrifice her sexuality for her love.
Well I know I can't and won't. This is why we separated in the first place.
Her lover for the past 8 months that she has reluctantly broken up to try to work it out with me with was so amazing and they had such intimacy she is sad and angry at times. He is so in love with her it breaks her heart to hurt him and lose what they had.
He "healed" her sexually from all the damage our sexual relationship did and she knows that even if we ever have sex again it could never approach what they had.
However. She elaborates she really doesn't like him as a person and I am a much better person... smarter.. kinder to her.. opening doors .. more able to have deep conversations .. know her favorite things and do loving things without her asking .. buy little thoughtful gifts for her .. I provide a shoulder to cry on and vent to .. I am always there for her when needed. etc etc. She said all this is why she gave him up.
Of course I am the father of her children and provide very well. There is also the added fact she related that he is a drinker and has a gambling problem .. and is kind of angry a lot and very jealous when they would be around other people as a couple. But hey .. what's not to love?
One other thing she mentioned cut to my core though. Seems kind of a ridiculous detail. She said she just loved his natural scent and even asked him not to wear cologne or deodorant when they made love. This is coming from my wife who has always insisted I shower before any intimate encounter with her.. and I shower at least once a day anyway. She had always requested I wear cologne too.Obviously I always wear deodorant. Conversely I always told her I love her natural scent and honestly do.. it is some kind of aphrodisiac to me.
So her telling me about this little fact with this other man and how it seems to relate to my thought process about mates etc. has broken me inside. It didn't when she was telling me this. I was very logical and explained to her how obvious all this was to me because of what I have been researching. And I explained how her biological body is screaming to be inseminated by him while my sperm is yesterdays news .. "you have already had multiple children with me..". etc. I explained about sex for reproduction as opposed to bonding. She listened.
I dont know if she bought it. My brain does...It is obvious to my intellect. It is my loving soul that is crushed.
Honeymoon sex is a powerful thing and at first is an incredible bonding experience that according to CPA can last a good couple of years or until babies are made and raised up a little.
We are not living together. Recently we went on a family vacation together with our kids. For five days I would massage her neck and back and legs and feet every night to help her fall asleep and every morning as I felt her stir awake next to me. She loves my massages and says I have the best hands. No exchange really took place. She did pet my back for a few seconds one time. I havent asked for any exchange and I am happy she enjoys my massage. I honestly expect nothing in return.
In fact I am no longer one sidedly lustful for her. I used to get somewhat sexually charged when I would massage her. Now I just feel like I am giving a friend a massage. I don't know if this is good or bad.
Along these lines I am also in general losing much sexual attraction for her. I'm not sure if this is resentment because of her giving herself so freely to a man who I feel is undeserving .. while I gave her 12 years and a good home and children and really unconditional love. But there was that one condition I guess.. I pressured her for sex. That killed us. I don't know if we can recover.
Maybe she has never had any natural chemistry for me. Mine for her was overwhelming most of the time.. that is what destroyed us I think.
My question to myself and you is this. With time and patience.. assuming she will ever exchange anything.. can this be salvaged by Karezza?
I know this is impossible to answer given the convolution of the story I tell. But I am just looking for some hope. A broken battered ego reaching out. Trying not to give up on love.