patience

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Submitted by Tortoise on
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Hi,

I have been separated from my wife for over a year now. We were and still are the best of friends and are now trying to reunite and have had very positive couples therapy for the past two months. Our primary reason for separating was a worsening sexual dynamic that basically became mechanical mutual masturbation. Although intercourse was happening very infrequently (every 2-4 weeks) it felt like we were detached and just using each other's genitals to get off. I had become increasingly more impotent likely because of my porn addiction.. trying to fill my cravings between infrequent sex with my wife. Then we just separated and had different partners.. who both she and I had great "honeymoon" sex with but we both still love each other. Needless to say a lot of resentment and hurt and jealousy taints our reconciliation.
We have currently made an explicit agreement to not be with other people but also not have intercourse with each other. She is more comfortable with this because she fears my pressure. I favor it to give her time to reconnect naturally with me. I don't want to push it so to speak. I want her to be happy and feel unafraid. We just started about once a week sleeping in the same bed at her house.. where I rub her feet and back until she falls asleep. This is a major breakthrough because four months ago it made her nauseated just to look at me and the thought of me touching her was inconceivable. I am physically very muscular, in good shape and attractive. She is not repelled by my appearance .. just by the threat or fear of sexual expectation I exude.
I have been practicing "solo" Karezza since I read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow six months ago. A reduction of orgasm has really evened out my personality and craving. Also I have not used porn for five months or more. I don't completely abstain from orgasm. Just markedly decreased it. Like from two to four orgasms a day down to one every two weeks.. which has been no easy task. I stopped for three weeks a couple times but then when I did ejaculate it was very painful.. to the point of my eyes watering and holding back a scream.. so I am afraid to go longer.. at least with "solo Karezza" if there is such a thing.
My current situation with the weekly sleepovers in my wife's bed has left me more sexually charged than I am used to for the past year. On the positive side I get awesome erections.. both spontaneous at night and also with just a little self stimulation. This is in a man that has had ED for fourteen years that ED drugs would only work about half the time. So I am grateful and enthused about the concepts presented in CPA and on this site. On the down side however I am having trouble not just needing to relieve my sexual charge with orgasm now. I don't know if it is just trying to fall back in the pattern with her or she just exudes sexual attraction for me. She is not trying to be seductive at all. The back rub and foot rub is something I do for her and expect nothing back.. but maybe I do. Would it help to have her rub my back first or something .. like an exchange? She isn't yet open to reading CPA .. I have asked if she would but she acts as if it is just another manipulation to try to fuck her.. so I have backed off the book or concept.. not sure if she will ever be open to anything.. so somewhat discouraged at times. Trying to have patience.

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Brave man

That's a really impressive story. It's good that you're listening to your body and working out what's best for you while you're not having sex (yet).

If she won't read CPA, maybe she'd read this article: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love That shouldn't be threatening at all, and maybe she'll start to get the basics.

If you want to stay on your schedule and need to cope with extra libido, think about experimenting with one of the many energy circulation exercises on this page: Energy Circulation Practices

Congratulations on all your progress. 

PS

If she's open to it, the touch that is most likely to relieve your cravings is just holding your penis or, if she can't yet manage that, putting her hand over your penis through your underwear or jammies. That will let you feel "received" even though she's not ready for intercourse quite yet.

Thank You so much for your

Thank You so much for your feedback.
How I wish someday soon we will get to the point where she will feel comfortable enough to just cup my clothed penis in her hand. Our previous dynamic riddled with what I know now to be post orgasmic hangovers has set up a situation where my penis is a severe threat for her.. understandable because in the past the touch of my penis by her would set up failing expectations on both sides.
My further question for you is how can I approach helping her believe I am sincere in this new bonding approach. I know it will take time and patience.. I think waiting and hopefully she will eventually want to try less charged "exchanges" that could lead to this. But for now the neutral skin to skin contact is very one sided and I am having trouble manifesting the courage to ask for any reciprocal contact. It would almost seem once again like I am expecting a return on the unconditional massages I give her. Even asking or hinting an exchange should take place seems rude to me. I don't want expectations .. they are just future disappointments.
So I am just trying to cope with my at times severe cravings. I am really kinda screwed though. If I masturbate to orgasm ever.. my desire for her or more orgasms become overwhelming. When I don't orgasm and try just moderate self stimulation to the 60% level or so on a daily basis I become very lonely and obsess about my future with any sexuality. If I do nothing but deny sexual craving or self contact I get very depressed. So I see no way out but periodic misery and patience here. I meditate a lot and redirect energy like a madman.. but still.. mired in sexual confusion and desire.

Maybe try "give" mode for a bit

Choose (or ask) her favorite non-foreplay touch (foot massage, head massage, whatever) and deliver it with all of the caring you can deliver. Remember, you want her nervous system to "melt" so those walls come down. That may take a bit, but it will pay off.

Talking won't do as much as touching...even for a few days. And it should reduce your horniness a bit too.

On the other hand solo orgasms can sometimes make horniness worse. It's a little known secret. WinkDo You Need A Chaser After Sex?

Yes the "give" mode is where

Yes the "give" mode is where I am at now. When I massage her to sleep I try to imagine warmth, compassion and love passing into her skin, muscle and soft tissue running from my heart down my arms through my hands and fingertips. It honestly may be as pleasurable to me as her. I love just the physical contact and giving. She says it is like heaven when I massage her. My massage helps her to fall asleep and I find my hands seem to be lightly enveloped with the subtle scent of her skin and are almost vibrating with some kind of energy. It may sound strange but I roll over to my side of the bed and I take one of my "charged" hands and hold my penis slightly pulsing my hand around it and take the other hand and put it over my heart. The result is kind of a nice neutral erection that doesn't get too sexually excited.. I can fall asleep this way and stay erect and slightly aroused and content for quite a while. It is a meditative thing. The only down side is this only gets to happen once a week and so the rest of the week I try a similar approach but without her the energy in my hand is so different I somehow have much more trouble not over stimulating and wanting to orgasm or just not relaxing and needing to meditate or circulate the hyper desire to other parts of my body before I can sleep... Ok so that kinda sounded weird .. but I am.
In answer to your chaser question.. Yes solo orgasms make my horniness intolerable.. especially for a few hours to a couple days after the orgasm. I swear I am in an altered state. Like a drug addict needing another fix. Orgasming for me is like trying to put out the fire of desire by dousing it in gasoline. The flames extinguish for a second and the fire explodes worse than before. I could go on a run and have as many as seven solo orgasms in a day trying to stay relieved. When I was having intercourse this was a definite pattern too but felt different. After I ejaculated in my partner.. about an hour later.. I would have an overwhelming need to orgasm again ether by intercourse again or I would even get out of bed after my partner was asleep to solo orgasm and not disturb her sleep. The actual act of orgasmic sex and the hyper stimulation of it would excite me emotionally and physically so much I seemed to need that chaser. After two orgasms with partnered sex I would be "well done" though and have a severe hangover for about 4 days .. the horniness would renew itself with a vengeance after only 4 days. With solo it would take many more orgasms to wear myself out and the hangover was even more severe and lasted 4 days too. .. depression to the point of suicidal at times.. my spirit seemed drained from my body. Just being frank.. don't be alarmed. I am not a risk to myself. It was just extreme despair for no apparent reason. nothing had changed in reality.
The logical concepts presented in CPA were like a light bulb being turned on. The hormonal changes I brought upon myself became clear.. it should have been obvious. I just didn't want to give up my free "healthy" drug.

Once a week?

Can you sneak in some bonding behaviors daily? Even short ones? They work best when they're almost daily.

Interesting to hear about your "chaser." I wish medical science would study this properly. My sense is that a  big blast to the reward circuit actually causes a downregulation of dopamine (and/or androgen) receptors, which is what brings on (temporary) intense cravings...which when acted upon drive a sort of spiral toward utter sexual exhaustion and need for a recovery period.  Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover?

An acient Chinese Daoist would probably counsel that it's actually better not to scratch that second itch. Better to go take a cold shower or something, as your brain will return itself to balance as quickly as it can. The more you tunnel down, the longer it takes to return to balance and feelings of wellbeing.

On the other hand, there's a tribe in Africa that binges with intercourse when the wife wants a baby. Once she has it, there's no more sex until the child is walking(!). The fathers are particularly attentive to the babies, I hear. Wink My point is that bingeing during "mating season" maybe be an adaptive pattern....but maybe we weren't built to binge constantly, as we now often do thanks to the ready availability of sex toys and internet porn.

Did you read this short post? Humanity has a LOT to learn:

Why Stop Orgasm Research at Climax?

 

I wish we could have some

I wish we could have some kind of daily bonding behavior. She is almost like a timid wild deer.. too skittish to allow closeness "too frequently" . Yet at times she texts me how much she misses me. The short times we occasionally see each other during the rest of the week I make a subtle effort to make a lot of eye to eye contact and really attempt to connect and listen.. engage . Let her know what she is saying is important to me. I have to be careful with the eye to eye even though.. it can get too intense for her. My therapist says we have a "protest polka" dynamic.. If I chase she runs in protest.. when I back off she comes back to me to see where I am. It is a bit messed up .. I can't "chase" too much. Some days I think it all shouldn't be this difficult.. including sex and bonding and the whole thing. The fact that everybody's biological body is so at odds with their ethereal or spiritual body.. it seems so odd .. so contrary.. why wouldn't the spirit evolve with the biology.. why wouldn't the evolution of biology keep up with the evolution of our "soul" or emotional needs? our real needy needs :) think about that one. I would say humanity does have a lot to learn.. It is like the wrong spiritual software has been thrown into a mechanical device with all it's hormones and drives for survival. Why do this? Ahhh the meaning of life.

Honestly,

I don't think things have to be so badly out of sync. I think our environment has changed at the same time we've been fed a lot of misinformation about how sex works...and that has thrown things seriously out of kilter.

The good news is that we're going to keep hitting these walls until we master the basics and learn not to let our environment push us around. Who knows what the potential will be then??

Hope your "deer" comes closer. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.