So it has been a while since my last entry on the forum.. thought I would update my saga.
A saga is what it has felt like. A saga and a struggle. The reality for me like everyone is that we tell ourselves a story and then rehash the story over and over. As if it makes the story more real the more I rewind and press play.
I don't want to sound to cryptic here. Unless you have read some of my other blog entries you have no idea what my story is.
But I guess that is my point. The story doesn't really matter. I mean it is entertaining for me and others but it really limits life and can even cause damage.
Expectations are future dissapointments.. my favorite quote.. by who I don't know.
And that quote further refines my point. Why I have such pain at times is because of expectations about my story.
I expect as a human I must have a mate...a yin to my yang. But the reality is that I don't wither and die without my expected yin to fill the hollow.
The reality is as a man I am complete without someone who wants me to stick my penis in them.
OK so that sounded crude but I think many men are so sexually oriented.. like me.. we simply think we cannot be happy unless adored and wanted by a female or male depending on sexual preference..
When I don't have the mate of my choosing on my arm wanting me I simply thought I was doing something wrong or something was wrong with me.
Well now that I am managing my sexual addiction I can see very clearly what I will call the fallacy of the phallus ... catchy eh?
Anyway I have let my phallus lead me around long enough. Orgasm addiction.. hollow feeling hangovers .. constant craving .. I see cleavage or a nice round ass and the race is on.
Well I say no fucking more. My wife (separated) is my biggest trigger. I have been successfully bonding with her with brief very non sexual encounters each day and giving selfless acts of random kindness.. and it feels good and nice and non manipulative.
I used to always expect (there is that word again) something for my kindness .. which is not kindness at all.. I really should say my dick expected something in exchange for niceties .. that is so wrong.. what an ignorant story to tell myself.
It was the same even once I got the goods.. I expected a perfectly hard cock and an orgasm every sexual encounter she submitted to.. well you can tell the end of that story.. ED.
Even now though I have to resist the stories. Her body and energy is so seductive for me... it is like an alcoholic trying to have a conversation with a bottle of Jack.. or a cocaine addict using his straw to drink a cup of warm herbal tea.
So difficult not to get aroused and fall into the needy pattern and need a fix.. masturbate with a nice story about her bending over for me... then hangover and needyness and hitting myself with the proverbial imaginary big stick for indulging my needs.
So now I just don't go there.. even just now writing about her bending over threatens my stability.
But the difference is now I just have the thought and the familiar follow up feeling of need.. but I neither fight it or indulge it.. I just let it pass.. like a soap bubble passing through the space of my mind. I realize it is just a story and I don't need to elaborate and suffer.
I don't need to let the story put a noose around my penis and scrotum and lead me wherever it wants to.
That story rope leading my overinflated libido and ego has destroyed the sweetness and tenderness of my marriage or any relationship I have had.. all for a 5 second squirt of pleasure and if I am lucky an hour of artificial contentment.
I have had enough story telling. I simply am alone and strong and enough. I am still.