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Submitted by Tortoise on
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Hey,

So it has been a while since my last entry on the forum.. thought I would update my saga.

A saga is what it has felt like. A saga and a struggle. The reality for me like everyone is that we tell ourselves a story and then rehash the story over and over. As if it makes the story more real the more I rewind and press play.

I don't want to sound to cryptic here. Unless you have read some of my other blog entries you have no idea what my story is.

But I guess that is my point. The story doesn't really matter. I mean it is entertaining for me and others but it really limits life and can even cause damage.

Expectations are future dissapointments.. my favorite quote.. by who I don't know.

And that quote further refines my point. Why I have such pain at times is because of expectations about my story.

I expect as a human I must have a mate...a yin to my yang. But the reality is that I don't wither and die without my expected yin to fill the hollow.

The reality is as a man I am complete without someone who wants me to stick my penis in them.

OK so that sounded crude but I think many men are so sexually oriented.. like me.. we simply think we cannot be happy unless adored and wanted by a female or male depending on sexual preference..

When I don't have the mate of my choosing on my arm wanting me I simply thought I was doing something wrong or something was wrong with me.

Well now that I am managing my sexual addiction I can see very clearly what I will call the fallacy of the phallus ... catchy eh?

Anyway I have let my phallus lead me around long enough. Orgasm addiction.. hollow feeling hangovers .. constant craving .. I see cleavage or a nice round ass and the race is on.

Well I say no fucking more. My wife (separated) is my biggest trigger. I have been successfully bonding with her with brief very non sexual encounters each day and giving selfless acts of random kindness.. and it feels good and nice and non manipulative.

I used to always expect (there is that word again) something for my kindness .. which is not kindness at all.. I really should say my dick expected something in exchange for niceties .. that is so wrong.. what an ignorant story to tell myself.

It was the same even once I got the goods.. I expected a perfectly hard cock and an orgasm every sexual encounter she submitted to.. well you can tell the end of that story.. ED.

Even now though I have to resist the stories. Her body and energy is so seductive for me... it is like an alcoholic trying to have a conversation with a bottle of Jack.. or a cocaine addict using his straw to drink a cup of warm herbal tea.

So difficult not to get aroused and fall into the needy pattern and need a fix.. masturbate with a nice story about her bending over for me... then hangover and needyness and hitting myself with the proverbial imaginary big stick for indulging my needs.

So now I just don't go there.. even just now writing about her bending over threatens my stability.

But the difference is now I just have the thought and the familiar follow up feeling of need.. but I neither fight it or indulge it.. I just let it pass.. like a soap bubble passing through the space of my mind. I realize it is just a story and I don't need to elaborate and suffer.

I don't need to let the story put a noose around my penis and scrotum and lead me wherever it wants to.

That story rope leading my overinflated libido and ego has destroyed the sweetness and tenderness of my marriage or any relationship I have had.. all for a 5 second squirt of pleasure and if I am lucky an hour of artificial contentment.

I have had enough story telling. I simply am alone and strong and enough. I am still.

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Yes she is sticking with the

Yes she is sticking with the daily contact.. well not physical contact but verbal and eye contact. She actually seeks me out sometimes. For her our bonding can't be too planned.. it needs to seem organic and natural.. and oddly the universe keeps sort of setting us up as such.

My manipulative old self would have fretted and somehow planned an exact time for our rendezvous and even kept a timer to make sure strictly 30 minutes was achieved.. no body would know this but me . I never trusted to fate and let it just happen.. number 1275 on my list of things that drove my wife away.

And yes things are thawing. Not drastically but I have no expectation of quickness. .. or anything. But tonight she told me she feels herself pulling to me again.. she said she can't explain it.. the way I speak or the position of my hands when we talk.. she feels drawn to me .. she says she just doesn't know how to be with me yet or what that will look like for her and us.

This is huge.. I won't expect anything or try to manipulate. I am just trying to show her my love by giving my love and compassion for whatever path she takes. That is honestly all anyone could do or need do.

Thanks for this truth.

Thanks for this truth. I agree: we're natural born storytellers. I have a feeling stories insulate us from actual love.

Here are some thoughts from David Deida (The Way of the Superior Man) on the completeness and sufficiency you were talking about:

"Bulls and houseflies are yanked by feminine forms and desire. It is an endless, stupid round of mirage, desire, and need... It's not something that can simply be shucked, but it can be felt through...

When you do get what you want, you are [only] less unhappy.

You are least unhappy when you are relieved from the need to get anything at all from appearance. Driving in your car, wanting nothing, watching the trees go by, can be an epiphany of perfection;... can relax you from your search long enough to realize that you already have what you seek, that what appearances promise is a revelation of your own deep and inherently blissful nature.

You are that which you seek, but you have left your own deepness and are looking elsewhere... you are chasing your own tail, and much of the time, that tail looks suspiciously like a woman..."

And (beautiful thought):

"Embrace your woman, if you have one, and give her what you want from her ... Give her so much of what you want from her that you can't tell who is who, the chaser has become the tail..."

So the bonding behaviors have

So the bonding behaviors have been working quite well.. maybe too well. That sounds crazy but our bonding is resulting in much closeness and she has been wanting me to spend the night a few nights in a row. She has warmed back to me .. she loves me and is having no problems telling me that now. It is like night and day.

Spending the night is us sleeping and cuddling a bit.. but no further and it is awesome and good for me.

However familiar desire is inside of me.. just on the cusp of trying to emerge. Some of you probably know the feeling well. My heart and intellect and meditation is doing a good job of not allowing me to indulge these feelings and just allow them to pass but it is a bit intense at times.. especially the mornings after I have spent the night in her warm bed.

The softness of her skin .. her scent .. her hair . the sound of her breathing and just her general energy is so overwhelmingly attractive to me on a deep level. I mean I feel it in my roots.

The mirage of storytelling is definately there.. as exhibited in my previous sentence.

But the biology behind the mirage is so evident for me. I realize I am complete without another being. My intellect realizes this fully. But there is a very deep seated core that fundamentally drawn to this other being. It is simply a matter of balance I think.

It has been two years since I have been with her sexually and over a year and a half since I have been with anyone sexually. My biological body may be screaming at me.. or my soul.. I don't know which. This period of time for no sexual interaction may be no big deal for some.. but I used to be a raging manac.. needing orgasms.. needing somebody to want me. This has been a huge stretch. No porn for 9 months (an odd fact is I have no desire for porn.. I feel repused by it.. fantasy about my wife is what is drawing me now) . No orgasm for a few months.. can't remember how long.

In short.. being with her is threatening my stability a bit. I am so tempted to relieve with masturbation to orgasm.. but I know it will result in just more needs to get my drug from her. This neediness is what resulted in separation in the first place.. she felt like I was never satisfied.. and I wasn't.. I needed to have her more and more the more I had her.

I do know this is the story of my addiction. My body is just having a little strain adapting to what my mind knows... and my heart is just afraid.

I don't know where to go from here. Not that I need to go anywhere soon. My current path is patience and letting go of all stories. But there will come a time when she may want to advance .. I honestly would love this but fear it so.

I have told her about CPA but because it is "my idea" she will feel it a manipulation. Understandibly given my history. So in this area I am not pushing an agenda. But if we do the same thing as before and end up with the same result... the definition of insanity.

We are going to counseling.. which is going well but sexual interactions are not on the table in any concrete form .. other than trying to understand the reasons behind my neediness and her running away. But practical sexual interaction will have to be addressed sometime directly.

There is a "sex therapist" in my area who has a counseling program.. "Reset" is her buzzword and her program sounds very similar to the slow easy bonding and then exchangees described in CPA... reserving orgasm isn't really part of her program.. But an actual live third party giving exercises at home may appeal to my wife more than a book I read three times. I have control over my actions though and I know what is good for me.. so maybe a hybrid of "Reset" combined with reserving my own orgasms.

The time to introduce the idea of a sex counselor is still in the distant future. And belive it or not if my wife does try to advance us sexually I am going to tell her I am not ready.. until I feel I am.. I can't have a swig of vodka and not be expected to grab the bottle and guzzle it until empty at this point.

So this is my story and my life right now. It is so much better than before.. but still patience is my path.. maybe always will be.

I am giving her massages and we are cuddling and happy.. I just am a little worried about the elephant in the room... waiting patiently in the corner.

Nice problem to have, eh?

I should think this line,

"I can't have a swig of vodka and not be expected to grab the bottle and guzzle it until empty at this point." would work quite well for suggesting the approach of just connecting and lying still for a few times. See if you can get her agreement not to "go for it until you feel more stable, as her orgasm might also be too much...vodka." Wink

I know you'll want to dazzle her with your amazing lovemaking, but tell her, "There's no rush. We can afford to take this slowly." And walk your talk...whatever she does.

Also, could you send me the therapist's website via PM? I'm curious. Visiting her also sounds like a very good strategy. It's great that she's around.

Finally, on behalf of womanhood...thank you, and the other men here, who love us enough to back up and try something so unfamiliar. You are becoming wonderful pilots. I hope we can live up to your new standards.Kiss 2

"There is no rush" That is

"There is no rush" That is the key phrase here that I am instilling in my being. Mind and body.

The Tortoise and the Hare is the story that I most obviously extracted my forum name from for this very reason.

Actually on many levels.. :) Have you ever seen two rabbits get it on? talk about mating only for reproduction. It takes literally a few seconds as the male quickly.. violently does his job and just as quickly collapses on his side. Ready to go again in a while.. repeat .. collapse.. repeat. etc. Like honeymoon sex .. biology at its most efficient.

"They fucked like rabbits" etc etc. Meaning frequent fast breeding. The epitome of what I am personally striving to depart from. Also I believe "rabbit fucker " is another less than subtle term for a certain undesireable style of lovemaking.. that reflects almost comically on much of the intercouse seen in pornography... although they do go unrealistically on and on in their detached violent way... kinda sickens me at this point in my life.. but I diverge.

I am not striving for a finish line or achievement. Only contentment to some degree.. and love. I do strive for what my body and soul cries out for at times.. not ego fulfilling "prowess" at sex.. but soul fulfilling prowess at unselfish love.

Because of my recovering sex addiction this is going to be a challenge. I realize this. I know I am not ready yet and much has to happen. The rabbit is still poised at the starting line.. sneering a bit at the peaceful tortoise.

If it takes ten weeks, then months or ten years I do have my heart ready to tell her my story. The story she already knows in her heart. I am not rejecting her.. I love her. I want her love .. I have to feel her love for me her want for me not out of impulse or guilt or pity.. but connection.. I understand her fear of the needy part of me.. the selfish buck. We are not rekindling a fire that will burn itself out again .. but a gentle merging of warmth that doesn't require unusual effort .. srain or guilt .. fear or story.

No I wont go on and on like this to her.. in fact a simple "I would like to take this slower" will be the only words spoken.. My gentle loving actions will be my walking the talk.. otherwise it is just talk.

But the talk.. the story is necessary for me now.. This is part of my learning.. part of my inner dialogue.. and I can vent it all here .. anonymously. And I get feedback.. how cool is this? I am not alone. I get to hear from others who can relate or even gurus that have mastered much of what I struggle with.

This not only gives me food for thought but most importantly gives me hope.

So thank you all :)