uneasiness

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Submitted by Tortoise on
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I have to say I am suspecting solo Karezza is a whole different animal than Karezza. The term does fit though. I am caressing and holding myself .. physically, emotionally and spititually. Self examination on many levels so to speak.
A major side effect of solo Karezza for me is a deep uneasiness. Not uneasiness like you might think. I am liking what I am seeing in myself. No .. this uneasiness is a natural very human feeling I was always trying to deny or mask with distractions. It is a fear of the transient temporary nature of life. I grasp for certainty in a world where it never exists. In fact it is why I am writing this to the Karezza blogosphere. Trying to work out some certainty that life and sex and love will all work out how I want it to. Seeking
reassurance from anybody.
In the past when I would feel this
insecurity of being human I would just masturbate. Simple. Alter my brain
chemistry as it were in just a few minutes.. with a quick jolt of pleasure
reward. Followed by the need for more pleasure and a masturbation run. Then I would forget about any uneasy
introspection. Depression or anger or some other orgasm hangover symptom would replace all feelings then.. and life would go on as usual. Craving a lasting peace of mind.. mutating the craving to a pleasure fullfillment with quick fantasy or visual induced jerk off.. followed by a tiny repreave and a lengthy pit of despair...
repeat.
I think all of humanity avoids this uneasy core in them by various distractions. TV, sports, reading, alcohol, other drugs, shopping, work, hobbies, etc.I am not saying all of these distractions are bad.. well some are. Especially when they turn into addictions.I realize now .. most obvobviously I was.. am.. an orgasm addict and used it to numb my life.
All of our patterns.. our habits are us trying to maintain some stability.. some identity. When I would feel uneasy I got afraid.. thought the feelings were painful and dangerous to me. But now that I am not burying the uneasiness in a cascade of neurotransmitters I can actually see the anxiety for what it is. I can breath into these feelings. Embrace the fluidity of life instead of running from it. The uncertainty is just that. I am not afraid of it anymore. It is what makes life sparkle... the not knowing. The unpredictability. Just think if you knew how to be .. how to live . . how to handle every situation and it always worked out as predicted. How fucking boring would that be? Oh.. and in case you were thinking that could ever happen... forget it.. never going to happen. But now I can embrace this certainty at least .. and love this fickle life.. not try to orgasm it away.

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Yes I am utilizing all of the

Yes I am utilizing all of the above. I am a Tibetan Buddhist and utilize Calm Abiding meditation, Tonglin meditation and regularly Green Tara and Chenrezig visualization with mantra. At Kagu Suka Choking center so I have some socialization too. The physical exercise is covered almost obcessively in long distance running and weight lifting. I also kind of combine socializing with excersise in two hours of Ecstatic Dance once or twice a week.
Kind of an aside that I may blog about is the dancing. It really seems to help when I am sexually congested and my meditations redirecting energy just doesn't cut it. I don't know if it is the provocative sweaty women or just my beast letting loose and gyrating until exhaustion.. but it helps me still feel attractive and sexual but not hyper charged.. I thought the female pheromones and pelvic thrusts and bouncing mammary glands could further congest me so to speak. But my body movement and the energy exchange in the beautiful women around me almost satisfies some of my sexual need .. or social need.. or ego need. Not sure why.
Maybe it is like Tonglin
meditation. I visualize or actually see real seductive energy right in front of me and I breath it in.. literally in their scents and physical forms.. I fully process this.. my dancing burns it up inside me or mentally and energetically metabolizes it .. then I breath it out or give it
away as love and appreciation to the beautiful humans that surround me .. I give it back changed from rough harsh impersonal
desire transformed into connection and love.
OK . So I am getting a little out there. But you asked.

I do long for some form of

I do long for some form of soothing touch though. The little boy in me.. damaged and neglected is having difficulty being nurtured by only me. My mate.. I have been separated from for over a year is beginning to accept me back but soothing touch is and always has been a one sided thing .. part of the reason we are separated. I gave touch and massage for a long time to her with no reciprocation.. then I grew insecure and developed a implied expectation that my lengthy massages of her would result in intercourse sometimes.. this lead to resentment on both sides and.. well.. a broken marriage. Now I just give her touch when she allows it.. as I have said that is about once a week since we are separated... I only give it with the intent to bathe her in love and compassion.. no intent to receive. Soothing touch from her may be an option some day. I cannot seek soothing touch from another.. the last thing I need is to bond in any way to another person right now. I hope I can keep this up for long enough to resolve if she will want to bond again or should I just move on with my new tools.

I think your theories

about the pheromones and general "yin" goodies on the dance floor make perfect sense. Even Buddha was said to have taught that the "company of women" was very important. As long as (most of us) are stuck in two genders, it makes sense that we'd find interaction, even non-intercourse interaction, extremely nourishing. I know I loved being around men when I was single. (Still like 'em in fact. Wink  )