This is kind of an emergency update, for which id be really grateful of support. The below is an extract from week 18, from this mornings journal.
She arrives home in a right state. Ive never seen her like this i dont think. She looks like a zombie, and basically ignores me, heads straight to her laptop and immerses herself there. Im sort of pacing about the house tidying and temporarily adrift. Im aware of wanting to leave her to it, but once that registers i get some resolve. I have to literally man handle her to so that i can hold her from behind while she fusses pointlessly on the laptop. I massage her neck and back, and then brush her hair at length, shes trying to ignore me but cant. My attention is slowly seeping in, but its like inflating one of those awful air beds, nothing seems to happen for ages, then slowly slowly a vestage of smile forms. She finally tells me about her woes, a nasty combination of things happening in her world. Family, work all conspiring.
As much as these circumstances are quite a bit to have on a worry-worts shoulders, its a macrocosm or larger version of how she normally lives her life. So oddly its familiar to me, even if larger than life. Eventually she falls asleep in my arms, me holding her tightly, about 8. I take her to bed, mindful that tonight's date has gone very very pear shaped. I assume the point of the schedule is to make sure it happens especially when we don't feel like it. In my mind we have three choices, a) try to get her to just even connect and sleep, b) do something small in the morning, c) postpone til tomorow. On the other hand maybe the best thing i can do to hold the helm is give her some space, and try to stay out of it.
Shes awake now and i start to mention this, and she just looks blankly out into space. I ask her what shes thinking and she says about all the things i have to do. I say to look at me, which she does reluctantly, but as we gaze into each others eyes, shes kind of there, but not there, definately in pain. I remind her to take each problem at a time, when each arrives, no point worrying now about things that havent actually happened yet, or those things already fait acompli. Still conflicted i turn the light out when she promises to sleep and not lay awake worrying. But she does lay awake worrying and i lay there regreting my decision to let it slip.
Darryl's admonition for the males of the world to grow a spine, and my ardent support of same, is all too fresh in my mind. I know thats my Big Challenge. I am a wimp, thats the reality. I ponder this as we eventually drop off to sleep the date awash in a sea of silent emotion.
I wake abruptly at 4.30, get up and meditate til 5.
Im all too ready to transfer my want of firm helm into her rejection of me. I can almost see how it could happen, how it its trying to happen. Its fascinating actually. Painful but fascinating! This is all a test upon our newfound stabilty, and im not sure that im entirely prepared.
I'm not really sure how to proceed. I did manage to tell her before she left for work that i would make sure we have some time together tonight, despite the fact that we were supposedly having guests. I'm not sure how much strength i have. I also found out yesterday one of my own parents also has terminal cancer. So that's in there too. My question is do i abandon the schedule when things rough? No-ones actually died, but the grief is starting.