Mid-week help!

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Submitted by treehouse on
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This is kind of an emergency update, for which id be really grateful of support. The below is an extract from week 18, from this mornings journal.

She arrives home in a right state. Ive never seen her like this i dont think. She looks like a zombie, and basically ignores me, heads straight to her laptop and immerses herself there. Im sort of pacing about the house tidying and temporarily adrift. Im aware of wanting to leave her to it, but once that registers i get some resolve. I have to literally man handle her to so that i can hold her from behind while she fusses pointlessly on the laptop. I massage her neck and back, and then brush her hair at length, shes trying to ignore me but cant. My attention is slowly seeping in, but its like inflating one of those awful air beds, nothing seems to happen for ages, then slowly slowly a vestage of smile forms. She finally tells me about her woes, a nasty combination of things happening in her world. Family, work all conspiring.

As much as these circumstances are quite a bit to have on a worry-worts shoulders, its a macrocosm or larger version of how she normally lives her life. So oddly its familiar to me, even if larger than life. Eventually she falls asleep in my arms, me holding her tightly, about 8. I take her to bed, mindful that tonight's date has gone very very pear shaped. I assume the point of the schedule is to make sure it happens especially when we don't feel like it. In my mind we have three choices, a) try to get her to just even connect and sleep, b) do something small in the morning, c) postpone til tomorow. On the other hand maybe the best thing i can do to hold the helm is give her some space, and try to stay out of it.

Shes awake now and i start to mention this, and she just looks blankly out into space. I ask her what shes thinking and she says about all the things i have to do. I say to look at me, which she does reluctantly, but as we gaze into each others eyes, shes kind of there, but not there, definately in pain. I remind her to take each problem at a time, when each arrives, no point worrying now about things that havent actually happened yet, or those things already fait acompli. Still conflicted i turn the light out when she promises to sleep and not lay awake worrying. But she does lay awake worrying and i lay there regreting my decision to let it slip.

Darryl's admonition for the males of the world to grow a spine, and my ardent support of same, is all too fresh in my mind. I know thats my Big Challenge. I am a wimp, thats the reality. I ponder this as we eventually drop off to sleep the date awash in a sea of silent emotion.

I wake abruptly at 4.30, get up and meditate til 5.

Im all too ready to transfer my want of firm helm into her rejection of me. I can almost see how it could happen, how it its trying to happen. Its fascinating actually. Painful but fascinating! This is all a test upon our newfound stabilty, and im not sure that im entirely prepared.

I'm not really sure how to proceed. I did manage to tell her before she left for work that i would make sure we have some time together tonight, despite the fact that we were supposedly having guests. I'm not sure how much strength i have. I also found out yesterday one of my own parents also has terminal cancer. So that's in there too. My question is do i abandon the schedule when things rough? No-ones actually died, but the grief is starting.



I think you have to be flexible

very sorry about your parent having cancer, very sorry indeed. 

I think you are handling this admirably, just fantastically.

You could have said, at the time, hey, let's connect, we agreed and this is when it can help us the most. But you didn't. Is that wrong? No. It's fine. It's fine either way.

But now I would get on a schedule again and stick to it. You need that closeness more than ever.


In general, connection, perhaps without intercourse if it's "all wrong," is best. Try some skin-to-skin spooning and holding. Stay connected, even if it's just putting your hand or leg next to hers.

So sorry you two are going through so much right now.

I think that she is quite

I think that she is quite fortunate having you by her side. Perhaps she is now into too much but in the same way as you managed to make her smile and open up, all your efforts will eventually be fruitful, though it may seem it takes ages. It's like a plant, you don't see them growing but they do all the time. Just remember that you also need to take care of yourself, don't try too hard and be patient.

Hope it all gets bettter.

Giving others their freedom

I think that you did the right thing by not forcing the issue. Karezza is not the be-all, end-all solution to everything. Sometimes a woman does not want or need sex. Sometimes the thing that she really needs is for you to just be with her in silence, not trying to cheer her up, not trying to fix her problems, not trying to lead her into a better state. You just be with her in whatever way she is comfortable with at that point in time. You calm and center yourself, and the silently offer your presence to her.

If she warms up and decides that she wants a deeper connection, that is great. If she decides to stay closed off, that is fine too. You have no particular agenda other than to support her in the way that best serves her right here and right now, whatever that may be. It may be love making, or it may be just silently offering your presence as a gift of loving support. If she asks you to leave her alone for now, then go and offer your love from somewhere else.

When you are supporting another person, you always have to give them what they actually need, not what you want them to need from you.

Beautifully said

Just perfect, Louie. I wanted to respond yesterday, but figured I would sound like a jerk. I'm single, I don't have anyone in my life right now, but I am a woman who worries too much. And I know if I were feeling as overwhelmed as treehouse's wife right now, I wouldn't want to be talked or coaxed into any kind of sex. It would feel like I am being manipulated to give (or to be made to receive) when I am drained. The being close, the silent offering of love and energy goes a lot further than bargaining about a schedule or tryng to convince her (even "remember how wonderful you felt the last time we did this? Wouldn't you like to feel that way again?") at this particular point.
sorry about your parent, treehouse.


Never call yourself a wimp. Knowing what to do in the moment with the feminine is always a challenge. I still have those "huh"?...."duh!! moments where what I needed to do to respond to the feminine eluded me until I was getting that signal that told me, "you missed it bud"! Thats what I love about feminine energy, it keeps me on my toes and humbles me when I think I'm on top of it.

Physical Connection will do!

Physical connection means making love.
I think just like what Marnia said, a hand on her lap, but I think a big hug will really do her well. Your wife needs to exhaust her worries,and it is a good thing you have asked her about it. It is quite explosive if you let her pent up all her worries and no one to really release her anxieties too. That is why I could suggest a big hug so that she will never feel alone in facing the problems she thinks she has. She has you, who will be there with her through everything
There is no rule book for women. Women can shift into different moods as fast as you can say MOOD. But you know your wife, so you know when is the right timing for it.
You are not a wimp! Don't ever call yourself that.

Now with regards to the plan tonight about having guests and time for each other, just do not pressure her to do it if in case she isn't in the mood. Cuddling, caressing and kissing will do her well, and maybe she'd be the one to ask for connection. Just make sure that the energy you are giving to her, is the loving energy and not the anxious one. You will both feel it.

I am sorry to hear about your parent having cancer. Let's just hope for the best.

Stay Positive and Connected!
Stay in LOVE

I'm touched

I am really touched by all your comments, which were just so right on the mark, all of them.

Its been quite the week, it took her three days to come out the other side, and i only briefly lost balance. I guess i overreact in those situations, feel small and not sufficiently grown up to weather the storm. But it has been a powerful learning and healing experience for us both, and while the stress is far from over, we are in about the best possible place in our relationship to deal with it over the coming weeks.

Blessings all.