Lately ive found myself falling into what you describe here as a PMO (Porn+Masturbation+Orgasm) trap. Im not really sure when it started, some time last year. At its peak up to four times in one session, it was starting to interfere with my work, concentration, and zest for life. What follows is likely to be personal, and at times detailed. It will make public that which is normally private, the trials and tribulations of an intimate but painful relationship.
With the object to minimise the injury to my faithful partner, I am conscious of the need to keep identifying information to a minimum, and to attempt to write in the "I". It is by definition one side of the story, however my defence is that by writing it is my ambition and hope to 'save' our relationship.
So. We have been together for 6 years, and are both approaching 50. I (he) have a fairly active sex drive and she is best described as a once a month kind of person (shortly after her period FTR). However when she is into it, she is an especially attentive lover, and we long ago settled on weekly on the weekend as a compromise, and that has worked more or less. Personality wise we get on well,are both introverted in nature, we share interests and aspirations... we just smell wonderful to each other.
To give some context, she works 12 hour days, at a somewhat but not overly stressful government sector job. She confesses to being of a worry-prone nature, and her overwork is an attempt to avoid what she perceives as failure. She has nightmares about work, and takes most of the weekend to unwind only to wash and repeat. For my part I do consulting work from home, but her schedule means i am also the cook and home keeper which i mostly enjoy.
As a consequence of childhood events, I tend to react strongly to anything that smells like rejection, and accutely so, sexual rejection. Hence i prefer that she initiates intimacy, partly because its safer. But also because, (caused by or causes i am not sure) i am fairly feminine in nature, bang on neutral on Sandra Bems gender scale. Sexually submissive in most respects. In reverse she is quite boyish, happy on top, wears boyish clothes, hates skirts, kids and most other girly things.
When she comes home from work all she is good for is a meal in front of movie, and falls asleep on the couch. When the weekend comes i become fiercely protective of our time together because, as i feel it, its all we have. If family, other activitys or god forbid work intrude into the weekend, or the real kicker she neglects our weekly sex, i usually become moody and withdrawn as a rather disfunctional coping mechanism. I am still developing the ability to ask for what i need and its a long journey.
However i have always been a persistant offerer of complements, flowers, back rubs, hugs, outings, hair brushing etc. Although such pair bonding behaviors come easily to me, in a candid moment i would not deny that such is the price of sex. However it is also protectiveness of a relationship that despite much robustness appears woefully fragile on account of non-peace between the sheets,
There is one thing about her that is quite different to other women. Mid cycle, she experiences penetrative sex as painful, and we will generally avoid it. She is almost always very dry from about day 14 through 20. Only rarely have we found stringy mucous at that time, and sometimes i feel an unexpected lump in the roof of her vagina at that time. Im not too flash at anatomy, but i dont recollect such a thing with other women. I worry that she's harbouring an ovarian cyst or something else awry. Still, it could also be a really powerful mind control contraceptive, or a consequence of menopause, who can say? She also has bad PMS cramps and headaches.
Lastly two other things seem pertinent to mention here. Firstly i am utterly without close male friends, have been my entire adult life. I just dont relate to 'normal' males, and am happy with my own company even as i know it can not be healthy. Secondly to add color to this whole picture we have recently bought land and are planning to build a house and farmlet. This project has become the the other source of arguments in our relationship.
I will conclude this first introductory post by describing this past week, and later posts will come back and fill it the gaps. Last saturday night, based on the last few weeks was our anticipated love making evening. We had previosuly had a run of two amazingly colorful love making sessions. However it also was about day 14 in her (now somewhat eratic pre menopausal cycle) and she anyway usually goes right off sex from day 14 right through to day 6. As the day went on there was not the same cues and clues, and when the time came she asked for a massage, which i gave, and which put her well and truly to sleep. I was left sitting there wound up and unhappy, drifting finally into a restless sleep only to awake again at 3am.
At that point something unusual happened and I resolved not to go down the same tired path of blame and pain. Instead i got up, and doubting that i was the only one in the world experiencing this, googled 'managing differing sex drives' by torchlight, trawling the web for insight. A scientific answer being most attractive, I ended up at Gary and Marnia's material on Psychologytoday. That was day 1.
As far as PMO goes i figure the P and O ought to be easy, the porn is not yet ingrained (i hope) and it takes an awful lot to get to orgasm these days (old age and generous use!). Monday tuesday I launched in with bonding behaviors plus plus. I was happy, feeling quite, well, free.
On wednesday day 3 i slipped on the M+O, a little morning pet that got out of hand. Somehow i had been hoping the extra bonding would, i dont know, work magic, but with no noticeable change to her presentation to me i fell off the horse. Thursday climbed back on the horse, and decided a little absence might make the heart grow fonder, decided to take part of the weekend away on my own. This i did without any of the storming off that has sometimes characterised previous outings. It was a satisfying trip, and a health condition that had bothered me for a week or so prior, seemed to clear up once out the door.
Upon return she was immersed in work, and as diffident and indifferent as if id never been away. Not to be defeated, when she again asked for a back rub in the evening, i asked if she would first give me an almond oil genital massage as per karezza for men. She was a bit weird about it at first, but did it well i thought, and it was dreamily soothing like nothing else i can recollect.
That brings us to monday, day 8, and PMO:021. As for sex, lets call that S:0.5 for now, pending arrival of the book.
Thank you, Marnia and Gary, and others walking this way.