Ordinary sexual intercourse...is properly to be classed with masturbation (Noyes, J 1872:14)
Reach out to your partner and place your relaxed hands on their positive pole. Channel your love and warmth through your hands into them while allowing the eyes to meet...[This is] very important as it sets the stage for the interplay of polarity once penetration occurs. When the positive poles are alive to each other...an incredible interchange of energy is possible. Lovemaking can become increasingly dynamic, the bodies twisting and turning around and into each other for hours, as if possessed by life itself. (Henderson, D 2003:102)
This week my call on the theme is Stuckness. We are not having a particularly easy reunion. Lots of emotion and the potential for healing, but also a resistance to responsibility, and the resulting unrealised aspirations.
It feels like we are trying to find our way home, but we are like two lost tourists wandering around a foreign city. The tantalising THOTS (The Heart of Tantric Sex) quote draws us on. I'm not much of a one to ask for help, but if anyone has any insight or suggestions for us, im open and grateful for it.
Monday 23 July
Yesterday was one of the tougher days of my life. I rise early as usual, and write for the first time in two weeks, then around 7 rejoin my beloved in bed. She's slept 10 hours straight. But she has bad period cramps, and she's right grumpy. We cuddle for ages, and i sustain a raging erection for what feels like hours. I'm just miserable that she doesn't want me, even though my mind knows her rationale. To make matters worse even though she had dozens and dozens of hours on airplanes and transit lounges, she hasn't got that far into THOTS. That's the most disappointing thing of all. I really thought, hoped, that she was into this. I asked her if she's been paying attention to her breasts. Oops, no. But i have no idea what those cramps are like and between that, the problems with family back home, and jet lag, this tempers my hurt somewhat. It's easy for me to think that maybe some loving sex might help, but I'm not the one suffering. But its hurting like hell that after 4 weeks shes still not going to let me in, now for in all likelihood another week.
At about 11 we get up, after lots and lots of eye time, breathing, and me trying to keep my hands off her. I tell her about the Hendersons' theory about the male becoming more meditation and the female becoming more love. And i just focus on that. We doze a bit before wresting ourselves into the world frustrated, and i remain that way all day.
After some housework, and shopping, i attend to a work task and she goes back to bed for a while. Several times through the day i start to M briefly, the craving is just horrendous. Like nothing before. I even look at porn for the first time in 70 days. Its weird to do, and my hearts pounding like I'm being naughty. But i guess i was aware or should've been that the previous weeks MO would only postpone the cravings, and if i had done the math, having them return right around the day she was due back wasn't really my best work. I just don't seem to have much willpower.
But even though bedtime is a repeat of the previous day [ie. very early to sleep], something shifted overnight. I awoke calmer, and what morning erection i had went with some breathing. Then up at 5, to write. Of course stopping writing and some related habits probably contributed to my coming unglued. But i want so much to make some more progress. What would it be like to really be at day 70?
I did ask her, for the record, if she's had any orgasms, and she answered that she'd had one dream orgasm, but didn't recollect much about it. I'll take that as she hasn't been masturbating. Not that that would've have been hard. Not for her.
Day 71 PM0:1,13,4, Post O Me/her:9 days/70days, POST PVI/Other: 29 days/29 days
If I was to describe this in work terms i would say that there is a cascade failure in progress. Some relatively small but important core component is not designed or installed correctly and its subsequent failure causes the failure of a bigger dependent component, which causes the failure of another dependant component until eventually the whole system fails. You look at the resulting mess and fail to see that the little seemingly unrelated item way back up the chain caused it all.
Yesterday, i thought i was regaining some balance, but there were lots of signs that that wasn't the case. I was agitated and not working well. About mid afternoon i M not intending to O and like the last couple of times it extremely quickly slips over the edge. Indeed it happens suddenly, after as little as 30 seconds and the point of no return comes early and the period til O is much longer, like an eternity. Oh shit, as new member alisonj put it so well.
Then on /r/karezza theres a guy reacting to his wifes request to do karezza. His reaction is just like all those comments to the abcnews piece. He took it so bad he preferred to argue about it and sleep on the couch. Guys! A women asks us to slow down, to not O a couple times and we get hysterical. If that isnt addiction i dont know what is. And really, isn't the implication, I mean really, that we have just been using our partners vaginas to masturbate in. I bet that makes them feel really loved.
But oh to have his setup where she actually wants to have sex with him regularly.
However, coming back to the point, MO has become a run away train for me this week. My insecurity about my beloved's love, is somewhere at the core of all this. All the conditions she places on sex, non-week-days, non-period, non-ovulation, stars-lining-up. I know this is my fear talking. The more i put up my armor, the more i shut down to her, the more i close off to my inner peace, the less attractive i am to her and more unbalanced and PMO prone i am. And on round in cycle.
The little cog that fails is Richardson's male as meditation. I need to focus more on that. But at its root i sense that we need karezza to heal, both of us.
Day 72 PM0:1,14,5, Post O Me/her:1 days/71days, POST PVI/Other: 30 days/30 days
It seems i don't want to be grown up just yet, she's still sleeping at every available moment, and I'm still sulking. Oh well i guess we wont get any sense out of me until reboot number 2. I feel so childish. Sigh.
Day 73 PM0:1,15,6, Post O Me/her:1 days/72days, POST PVI/Other: 31 days/31 days
5am. Before rising I felt a physical attraction of sorts between our bodies. What little accidental touch there is between us in the morning feels really nice, and wanting more. That's a first since her return.
I suppose this change is a result of our 'talk' last night. But starting from the beginning of the day, i woke up grumpy as is pretty obvious from my entry yesterday. After writing and before she left for work, i told her, you know, i cant do this myself. I want you to promise to read THOTS. Will you promise? (it wasn't the way i said especially, all things considered I was in a fairly ok space, but it was just the mood ive been in lately, she feels responsible for it). So she gets defensive, and isnt hearing me, says she has been reading before she goes to sleep. She says she had a dream about us making love. After she leaves i decide to examine the book and her bookmark reveals the truth of it. 5 pages in 5 weeks, her heart isn't actually in it. So now i am angry.
I spend the morning fighting off urges to MO and searching desperately for a reason to commence reboot number 2. For ages i simply cant find one. Its gained me zero closeness to her , none of the experience has reached her [Ed. ok, a little melodramatic]. But then, a quick scan of the forums turns up a rebooters 120 day post and he says that rebooting gives you nothing at all except the ability to feel. That was it, that was enough for me. I successfully fight off the urges, which are very strong, and by mid day they ease. The mornings are always the worst.
After finally getting some work done, i notice i'm feeling depressed about our relationship. I spend time most days crying. I just cant shake it, and right now i know that i need to, if the evening is to be at all constructive. But it's only when i hear her car pull up and i get a little thrill that my energy shifts. I kind of leverage that rush to pull myself together. But it doesn't last and by after dinner, I'm distant again, and the last thing i want to do is touch this person, but i quickly check the thought and go get pillows. We do turn-about holding each other but there's no connection. Re-raising the subject, she says that my request for her to read was loaded, and that I'm judging her. I say that i need her commitment to our relationship. We go round in circles for a while then just sit quiet. Some better things will emerge if we say nothing probably.
Well if she wont read it, I'm going to have to convey it to her. Ah, light bulb moment. That's when i realise I've been dreading this moment. I was hoping that by her reading it i would be able to avoid the initiating the 'schedule' talk. So i say well what shall we do about it. Yes, she says. Shall we give it a go, yes she says. Long silence. Ok, i say after a pause, when shall we start, how often. I tell her what i know about the schedule, about how it takes the stress out of it. About how starting new habits feels strange at first, but lead to better things. Thoughts lead to action, actions to habits, habit leads to character, and character leads to destiny (thanks alpha777). She says lets wait til the weekend. I say if we are to realise the benefits of this we need to do it more often than that. Perhaps every other day. She says oh. We discuss the pros and cons of a calendar days verses every N days, with no clear outcome. Eventually she suggests wednesdays and saturdays. So i say lets think about it for another day and talk more tomorrow. Its about 8 and she's pretty much asleep, so before shooing her off to bed i turn and look at her for the first time all week. The talk has lightened my burden considerably, and i realise that id been fearing the talk because i thought it would get her back up, put pressure on her.
I ask her what her experience of our last karezza session was, what she got from it. She says she doesn't remember it. That comes as quite a shock to me, i have must have extrapolated my own experience of it onto her. How could you forget a thing like that. To be fair she has just spent 4 weeks with unwell family.
She says she loves me, she says she wants to make me happy, but its just talk to me. But i ponder what her needs are, and whether I'm meeting them. How would you know. They say that women need an alpha male, nice outings, romance, an emotional experience etc. On that score i fail on the first two, better on the last two. Karezza helps of course.
Anyway as i turned and looked at her, there's the beginnings of a connection and i feel about 500 pounds lighter. I tell her about idrathercuddle's rather apt one-line karezza definition: imagine a combination of cuddle and meditation while having sex. We talk about meditation and about a meditation course i did long ago. She picks holes in it which surprises me, maybe i don't really know her as well as i thought.
Oh well, some progress is better than none. Any day without MO a good day.
Day 74 PM0:1,15,6, Post O Me/her:2 days/73days, POST PVI/Other: 32 days/32 days
Woke up at 3.30, decided to snuggle up to her for a while. Then get up at 4. Im realising that she doesn't readily seek touch with me. I wonder how i never noticed that all these years. Its strange, I've always been a touchy person, and you'd have thought i would have noticed its absence, i mean, been conscious of it. Instead i shut down, oblivious.
Anyhow, yesterday. Much easier day, kind of over the immediate hurdles. Full on work-wise and still feeling over pressured there, but that will ease soon. The 'talk' allowed me, evidently, to let my armor down, and as a result we are feeling closer again now. In the evening I guide her head onto my lap [Ed, not what it sounds like] and stroke her hair for ages while we talk about our days, and i read some reuniting posts to her especially Bianca's. I'm in love with that women's writing just now. I desperately want some other way to experience this life than the relentless suffering i have made of it to date.
Eventually, we return to the schedule discussion, and i ask her what time of the day did she prefers. She says, for week days, the evening. I dont think she likes the idea of being made to get up any earlier, when she is already being made to get up earlier than she likes. So we talk about the timing of dinner, avoiding sleepiness etc and decide that if we eat at 6, then 8-9 will be our karezza time. Its not ideal, but has the advantage of us being able to drift off to sleep together. On the weekend we can do a morning and take a bit more time if needed. I mention my concern about the four day gap between saturday and wednesday and suggest tues, thurs and sat. I'm pushing my luck maybe. But i tell her if we are going to give something new a shot we should give it a chance and not treat it like our old weekly bump and grind. They are different things. So far there's no protest as such, but its also clear that she's not exactly what you would call enthusiastic either. The reality of her commitment to this will boil down to the details or what i call her exceptions.
As we talk it dawns on me how alike we are. We keep each other out to protect ourselves. Ironically that then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Something in particular that she said pricked up me ears. I was saying to her, as sweet nothings really, that we were meant to be together. One boyish girl and one girlish boy, who both need to heal. But she responded with this: But i don't want that to mean that when we have done our work together that we have to separate. It was a comment at the same time oddly timed, as revealing.
So my ears prick up, and i ask her to say more but its a fragile thought and flutters away. I'll ask her again about it tonight. Its the first time i've become cognisant of what appears to be her fear that i will leave her. Maybe my sullenness is a precursor cue. My fear on the other hand is that she will stay but neglect me. Two forms of the same rejection issue. She's had two previous partners suddenly up and leave and the last one left her shattered and took years to recover from. So maybe she's keeping me from getting too close so that 'when' i leave it doesn't hurt so much. As for me, what, i cant quite grasp it. Im drawn to someone who keeps me at arms length, as its familiar? Ever elusive.
Of one thing i am fairly sure, that if we agree to both let our armor down at the same time, then we have a chance to heal, together. Which is the point of the schedule, right?
Day 75 PM0:1,15,6, Post O Me/her:3 days/74days, POST PVI/Other: 33 days/33 days
We went out friday night and i spent saturday morning converting Stockman to ebook format These things take time, and computers just eat time. Maybe Marnia can put it up somewhere, and i guess ill do the other public domain books as well [Ed. Noyes and Lloyd now also complete].
Anyway, it's the weekend, all the usual exceptions have lapsed, and we haven't mode love for 33 days. And we are in a reasonably good space. So at 8am i go back to bed, and we talked for ages about sundry things, but it is kind of stalling talk. At about 9.30 i scissors my way up to her to get the ball rolling. There's lots of warming up, snuggles, eye time, kissing, and i enter at 10 when she finally decides she's ready, i was starting to wonder if it was going to happen at all. I decide to note the times to see how we experience karezza time. We get more lube as she's a bit uncomfortable. That seems to help, but its definitely a theme of this session that we struggle a bit. Neither of us seem content to just lay still, and we spend the connected half hour, oscillating between small movements and stillness, basically trying to maintain the smallest level of arousal. Without it ill go floppy and she'll go to sleep, at least that's what we fear. Its frustrating not yet being able to tune into the subtler feelings. I breath, and she holds her breasts but nothings really happening for us today. When i try to focus on my root, i cant even locate it, its that bad. We do maintain eye contact, and manage to get fairly still minds, and toward the end i do feel a period where we feel really close.
We change positions several times, rotating around side, rear and front. After a while i think we just kind of got bored with it, that's my take on how it ended. There's still this unbroachable gulf between nonarousal and arousal, nothing in between that we can find. So at 10.30 or so she gets droopy eyes and drops off, and I'm only seconds behind. We sleep til 12.20 and awake as last time still connected. However this time when she moves i plop out, but just getting hard again. I go to put it back in asking her if she's done, she hesitates so i start to re-enter, but then she pulls back quickly and says yes shes done. It feels sudden to me, and i feel kind of thrust back into the world, shocked. Im aware of feeling hurt, and so offer to get drinks as we haven't had anything all day. She asks for coffee and i say remember i don't do coffee. Now we are both hurting. I go for a brief walk outside, a good amount part of my wits was about me, heeding as i appear to have Dianne Henderson's advice on the subject. When i return i say to her i seem to be having a reaction of some sort. Then we meet eyes quite strongly and strangely i feel ok. But she looks sad, and says i do too. Then as i see she had no intention to hurt me i begin to just bawl this whole ocean of grief, and she wraps her arms around me. It feels like I've opened the merest tip of an iceberg, and peeked inside and got a glance my inner hell. My chest hurts really really bad and the sobs carry on for 10 minutes. I'm breathing rapidly and if i hold my hand to my chest the feeling intensifies and I start crying again.
We talk for ages about it, and about her childhood, her aging parents. She also is close to tears on and off. And about how she desperately wants to feel 'her tropical island' inside. About how elusive it is, and how she feels always this fear of failure or reprimand. We do a random reading from THOTS. She opens it exactly at the start of chapter 10, Touch. The last time i did this, it also opened at a chapter beginning. Cool. Anyhow its a great chapter, and really starts to explain why we struggled so. Instead of talking about trivia to prepare, it instead instructs us to do massage, and to hold and meditate on our poles for 15 minutes. Her ears prick up at the passage about thighs storing unexpressed sexual energy. Our discussion returns ultimately to the schedule and off her own bat she raises the exceptions issue. We cover menstruation, birth control and rescheduling if other events intrude. So we have a date for tuesday, dinner, bath, and karezza. Basically the agreement is to give it a fair trial, regardless of exceptions, and if all else fails to substitute massage. Im happy with that.
As we talk i become aware of a melty sensation growing behind my eyes, its a feeling of peace. She on the other hand still seems to be sitting on something, with intermittent teariness. Later in the day she books us a trip to a real tropical island. I'm scratching my head a bit, but what can you say. While i have made an effort at personal development over my lifetime, and which appears to be finally bearing fruit, she still seems to be resisting healing. Oh and she finally confesses that part of the reason she was 'done' was a coffee withdrawal headache. We both have a big laugh about this. But then she goes and makes a second cup, the strong stuff. What am I going to do with her :)
Day 77 PM0:1,15,6, Post O Me/her:5 days/76days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days