Nature has so made a woman that it takes her from half an hour to an hour after the entrance of the male organ, to come to her orgasm...A man who gets through in from three to ten minutes after entrance...fails to satisfy his wife properly...[L]et him not hasten, either the act itself or the approaches to the act. He should approach her gently, perhaps linger for awhile in contact with the outside only, enter slowly and with self-control, rest tranquilly after entrance, and let his first movements be gentile and slow. [sic] (Craddock,I ~1899)
For the woman, the focal area for healing is located deep at the top of the vagina...This is her garden of love, the place where she will first know true ecstasy in sex....Incredibly the head of the penis acts like a highly sensitive magnet entering the energy field of the feminine pole [and] has a dramatic effect on the accumulated vaginal tensions. Richardson,D (2003:122-123)
The theme for the week is unabashedly Intention.
We've had what seems a major breakthrough this week, with practise comes learning and growth. Some of what I learnt in the process, in case you missed my other post is.
- the schedule is really important it creates intention, which means consciousness
- take the responsibility that you feel and use it, don't expect the other to do X or Y
- learning some form of breathing related art such as taichi or qigong helps a lot. Its not accidental that karezza has its roots in the ancient taoist traditions, where the breath, life force, and sexual energy are inextricably interwoven.
- for me the key to really 'getting' the CPA message is that when one of you orgasms you'll struggle to get your passions in sync with each other
- again, i cant say it enough, Dianne Richardson's material has real answers, even though I may never previously have given credit to such esoteric works.
- intention is the key that eventually unlocks the door.
[Contains sex scenes]
When i awoke this morning i hold my root. It seems like a large undefined area with no particular center. If i hold it tightly of course I'm aware of a sensation or buzz there, but if i relax my hand, nothing really. I settle into holding both hands like a heart shape, fingertips to the perineum, relax, and find myself thinking about my emotional process. Its very much a case of be careful what you ask for, two days ago i wanted to feel, but oceans of pain wasn't really what i had in mind. Ironic. Putting a few things together though, I'm reminded of all those girls that tried to reach me when i was a young scared virgin. I kept them out for fear. But as an adult i expect my needs not to be met from my beloved. So i don't seek or initiate, waiting for what scraps she may offer. The takeaway, that asking for my needs to be met as a little person was likely a rejecting experience. And the solution that I adopted was to stop asking.
Yesterday we do our own thing and i eventually succumb to MO, an aggressive quick useless kind of thing. Gee, never mind her, I don't know what we will do with me. What a pair we make. However last night - and i should mention that we haven't watched the box all week, it seems to have fallen away - she's laying on the couch and i sit beside her, gazing into her eyes, seeking peace. Both my hands held motionlessly and firmly to her chest and she says she can feel the warmth. We briefly review our karezza session yesterday, and she reminds me of our date on tuesday. Another interesting turn of events is that when we go to bed i start reading THOTS to myself, and she asks me to read aloud. It really is profound material, and put so succinctly. As we read i remember that this is my third contact with these ideas. In the 80s while travelling in australia, i hung out with some tantra teachers and groupies for some weeks, and in the 90s i tried to read Anand's, dense Art of Sexual Ectasy. I guess you could say ive been trying to find my way home for some time. Anyway Diane's concept that our present excitement interacts with a legacy of sexual trauma bears further thought.
Day 78 PM0:1,16,7, Post O Me/her:1 days/78days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
I awake with a strong nagging erection, and its asking me to choose. Its now or never, crunch time, which fork to take, which road do i want to travel. Marnia's response to umrev is a succinct heads up about the risks of continuing to pursue orgasm. I think it bears repeating because it reached me in a way that brought the whole CPA hypothesis just so much down to basics.
"If your brains have been overstimulated, it's normal to want more and more...until one person hits a sort of 'satiety point' and Doesn't Want Anything More At All (for a time). If the second person is still in 'escalation' mode, this can be really painful because it feels like a rejection at one's most vulnerable moment. It's easy to believe you are being mistreated by an uncaring mate."
We fit that description so perfectly. All my years of masturbation, led me to want more and more excitement, and here was i blaming her for not being interested in me. If the glove fits, wear it.
Yesterday i found out a little about Qigong and did my first practice this morning upon arising. I find it very centering and it reinforces both better breathing and Richardson's sense of Presence. There are some workshops in the city that interest me, but not for quite a while.
Day 79 PM0:1,16,7, Post O Me/her:2 days/77days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days
I am finding this morning qigong thing really satisfying, how the body movements reinforce the breath, how the breath stretches the body. I only know two basic exercises and I'm probably learning mistakes, Qigong via youtube lol.
This morning i am feeling reluctant to write. Why is it that we are often happy to whine, but the good stuff we are just as happy to sit on. So here goes.
Yesterday I'm still battling urges, but what with Marnia's pep talk, and starting the day with Qigong kind of sets me like a guided missile into the day, and i cant really go astray. I shrug off each craving, don't give it a second thought, and rapidly tackle the days work with new ease.
I'm a bit nervous about our date, hoping its not going to be a struggle again. But i needn't have worried. The strangest of things has occurred since saturday, at least once each day she has excitedly reminded me about tuesday, our first proper scheduled karezza session. Such a quality that intention adds to things. And last night, after a light salad dinner, we are in the bath, and she's holding her breasts cradling them with crossed arms, and giving them little squeezes from time to time. She says how she's been doing it quite a bit, and how the right one is starting to feel quite nice. The left side still feels tender. I'm just gob smacked. As much as i thought we struggled on saturday, the fact is we did in most respects make love in the fashion identified in the books as what women really want - slow, deep and lengthy. It appears perhaps that her body is actually responding to it. Unless she's saying this for my benefit, but even if she is, faking til you make it has solved more than one problem in this life. Anyway it's amazing to witness and fills me with joy.
While in the bath I share what i remember of the highlights of chapter 12 and 13 that was my morning reading. She says she likes listening to me, and it reminds me of what emerson has been trying to get through to me for ages, to stop asking her to read. It's forcing me to communicate what im reading to her, and also more able to lead and guide, which feels like a useful masculine role of me right now.
So after the bath, i show her how to do the two basic Qigong exercises, and it energises us nicely. Then we light some candles in the bedroom and settle on the bed with Dianne's pole holding mediation, the one quoted at the start of week 11. We do it for maybe 20 minutes, and i guide her hand til she's holding me the way i held it myself yesterday, with a couple of fingers on my perineum, and the palm over the testicles and lower shaft. I hold her the same way she was in the bath, cupping the weight of the breast with my hand and the thumb on top squeezing. After managing to sort all the mess of contorted arms required to achieve this position and still be able to look at each other (its not all that easy, you have to make some space between you if you're laying your sides) we get our pillows sorted and then relax. My arousal ebbs and flows with the sensations. But as soon as her hand is positioned I'm aware of quite a strong sensation and it's followed by quite a variety of other sensations, ranging from pleasure to tingling and even burning and pain. I say wow often.
Then at a certain point i feel like kissing her, and do, and its a delightful dance of lips that goes on for ages. Then i try to regain eye contact for a bit here and there so we can stay cool together, but at this early stage in small doses so as no to kick her into her mind. Our hands are still on each others poles, and it really feels like that's supporting the wonderful kissing and rising sexual energy in both our bodies. What's more is that the energy is rising together in each of us at more or less the same pace, and that its building steadily, not like the usual rising and falling. But its also not rising alarmingly or excitingly either it feels like we are an engine that's been started and is now warming up progressively and confidently. This alone is a very new and fresh experience to us.
She then shuffles her pelvis in closer to mine, and while we aren't in any position known to man (having started on our sides), she wiggles me nearer and nearer until she has just the tip inside. Our position is quite frankly bizarre something like THOTS 134-6. Its a right tangle. I reach out for some oil which she applies liberally to herself and me (this will become a ritual for us i think). And tangle or no tangle resume the position. Slowly sinking almost all the way in. Then without any thought or deliberation, we are just riding this wave of energy, not really squirming but kind of gentle movements more akin to what Dianne describes as rotating about the pelvis so that the changes of angle make the tip of the penis explore all the pockets at the top of the vagina. I'm supporting my weight but managing, and alternating eye contact with kissing. After a time of this, the energy is building, but not really in an arousal sense, but kind of. It's different somehow. I'm aware of all sorts of sensations in the head of my penis, at one point there's almost like a spark jumping the gap. That's the only way i can describe it. She asks me if its all the way in and i say almost. She pulls me in further until there's no where else to go, and i almost think she's going to have some kind of whole body orgasm, she just seems to be energised in a way that I've never seen before. We were connected maybe half an hour, not sure really.
Just thinking about it brings tingles to my groin. And actually I've been about 5% aroused since i got up over 90 minutes ago, its just hanging there like this pleasant background music. No desire to do anything with it, just energy, aliveness.
After a while we agree to change positions, and to untangle the tangle i put her other leg in front and get 134-7. This way i can hold her breasts more and look at her more. The wave continues but now its started its long whoosh down onto the beach. She rolls onto her side and somehow we end up in 137-4,5. The ripples washing up on the shore. The wave spent, becoming semi floppy, we move to scissors and wow and laugh and chat excitedly. I think her wave is still kind of eddying around the shoreline tumbling the kelp hither and thither and she's revelling in its backwash. I'm coming down faster.
Now we realise we have some technical problems, the lights are still on in the house, and the candles in the bedroom, but neither of us wants to leave the other, we are still connected and having lots of little crotch to crotch kisses and hugs, but as we can feel that we will both be asleep in moments i pull out slowly and attend to the house. Back to bed, and straight into the deepest of sleeps.
I'm still processing the impact of it, so wont say any more.
Day 80 PM0:1,16,7, Post O Me/her:3 days/80days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days
Throughout the day, that state of slight arousal persisted until well into the afternoon. It was really strange. For morning reading i read Ira Craddock's little essay Right Marital Living. Its got all sorts of wild ideas, but later on in the piece there are the essentials of Karezza spelled out. She, like Lloyd, Noyes and Stockham lived in an exuberant time of rich intellectual endeavour. Then there's this guy Albert Chavannes that many of them refer to as a source for the magnetism ideas.
When she got home i asked her if she had any extra bounce in her step, she said yes, but i got the sense not overly so. It's a hard old world out there, one I'm largely shielded from.
That we will be making love again tonight seems to have come quickly i have this sense that its all too soon, too soon to be able to it again fresh, original, will it be the same, or different, will it be painful, worry, worry. I don't know. Pass. I suppose we eat everyday, sometimes the same things, sometimes different.
Day 81 PM0:1,16,7, Post O Me/her:4 days/81days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
My reluctance to make love shows throughout the day in not cleaning or preparing dinner as well as i did on tuesday, and work throws some curly things at me in the afternoon, and then I'm late in from feeding the animals. I cant believe that I'm actually late for our date! She also arrives home having had one or two troublesome work issues, positively afroth. I heat up some leftovers, and we chill out in the bath for ages. My very first lover always used to say that water was the best thing for the agitated. I tell her that Dianne says to take extra time in these situations, and i just hold a space of that we are going to do it. Intention.
But she is yawning a lot, even through the breathing exercises, and its really a miracle that it went as well as it did.
I sit on her other side and we do the pole holding thing again, this time for a long while. Again i marvel at the instant sensation in the base of my penis when she holds me gently there. And when i find the right grip on her breast, this time her left, the energy mini jolts are amazing. She doesn't seem to feel it though. I think its because she's still breathing in the upper part of her body. But she is arousing, so something is happening.
I keep saying to her that i love her, and it always raises a huge smile. And while I'm following lloyd's and stockman's advice that i can never say this too much, i mean it. I say to her that just laying here with her is beautiful all on its own. And it is, im in absolutely no hurry, the journey has become the destination. I can't believe how easy it is to be still in the mind and to really emotionally connect with her. That feeling is like an eternity of joy.
We kiss and cuddle for a shortish time and then she wants the oil. I ask her are you ready, her, uumm. I kneel between her legs and enter slowly, the slowest yet, progressing almost imperceptibly. About 1/2 way in she clutches me to her and i can tell she's going to be a bit steamed up today. From time to time i remind her to relax her pelvic floor and take a tour around her body and find anywhere that's holding tension (I have a good coach in Richardson). After various front positions including my latest favourite 134-7 but with her knees to my chest and my hands on her breasts. I lift her up into yab yum. I ask her if she likes that and she does. We are just barely rocking, quivering kind of, just maintaining arousal no more. I kind of get a bit lost in the embrace though as i lose eye contact, because she's clutching me quite tightly.
After that i lay back, and see if she wants to be on top, but she says that'd be dangerous and laughs. I forgot that was her old favourite position. Somehow she masterly orchestrates us into scissors, like some kind of puzzle. I still don't know how she did that. We lay in scissors for ages and ages just gazing into each others eyes. She's really there but de-arousing quickly. We still haven't solved the lights out problem. She goes to sleep, and I'm aware of needing to be responsible for the lights and candles. So force myself to stay awake, but i only last a few minutes, lol. When we are connected, when it comes to sleep we just seem to operate as one.
But because i hadn't really got my head and pillow sorted, some time later i reawake. I slowly pull out barely disturbing her and deal with the lights but now I'm awake and lay there for a while, listening to her grinding her teeth in her sleep. I cradle my root with my hand. I find a way to hold it that i like, just as you'd hold a baby bird. I become aware of feeling something, it's a smaller version of saturdays grief. But its not about rejection though, its more like ejection. Its just a gut feeling, but it feels like its actually birth related. Years ago, when i was able to get hold of the original copy of my birth records, it came to light that i was chemically induced and then forceps delivered. Blasted doctors are always in such a hurry. But this is the first time ive connected any emotion with it.
For a couple of years when I was about 30 i experienced bouts of melancholy each day at the same time of day that i was born. Also at that time i did some rebirthing sessions, and i recall vividly an incident where the tape that the therapist was playing started to play this certain song. I don't remember what it was, just that it started to trigger some very very deep feelings. But before they had a chance to take hold and, uncharacteristically, she suddenly stopped the music, and promptly referred me to a psychotherapist. Saying that i needed to get my mind on board first.
Day 82 PM0:1,16,7, Post O Me/her:4 days/82days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days
The theme of intention continues. Yesterday, i got up did my breathing exercises, then read a couple more chapters of THOTS. She's talking about it not being about what you do but how you do it, in what state of mind you approach something. I decide to test the theory with self-massage. I have lots of sexual energy just now, and our lovemaking could go longer for me. I give myself one of my gentle oil massages of belly, root and testicles mostly. Checking my pelvic floor often. Dianne is right we do hold a lot of tension there! The more you notice the more you notice. Whether it be masturbation or sex, we all know the difference when we are going for excitement and the big O. The difference is just about intention.
I notice particularly today how the qigong is supporting my posture through the day, especially in the morning. I had a really happy day at work, solving some tricky problems with ease. This karezza filled week is definitely putting bounce in my step, i feel just so happy and alive. It feels just like one of those cool clear winter days around here, where the air is so crisp and clean that you can see for miles.
I also notice that my digestion has still not returned to normal after the trip away, and I'm thinking maybe a one-day fast might be good. Instead we go out for dinner, and i was aware of not feeling hungry and my gut sense was to choose the chicken salad, but ended up with a roast meal and beer. By the time id finished it, i regretted not listening to myself. By the time i woke up this morning doubly so, i felt awful. Hung over on one drink, ha.
I exchange a couple emails with my mother during the day, and it makes me think about how I'm probably having a mid life crisis, lol.
Day 83 PM0:1,17,7, Post O Me/her:5 days/83days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
Gosh this morning after my qigong practice for the first time i really get a sense of the energy circulation, and also really feel a strong warm tingling in my lower belly. I also notice that my tongue instinctively dwells on the roof of my mouth. Its all very fascinating and curious for someone who is engineering trained, and who has never really gone for much of the esoteric stuff.
Well last nites karezza was a major step up again. We had agreed on friday nite that she would work saturday, we tend to the animals together at 3, and our date would be at 6. Light meal, i made chicken salad:), then picking up the reading of THOTS, and instead of reading all over the place as we have been, we decide to go back to our bookmark near the start of the book, half way through chapter 3. It was a good choice, and this time the message really clicks. The first two times i found it heavier going.
We agree that it sounds wonderful, but still have a bit of trouble imagining us being in that state. In contrast we feel like mere mortals. I continue reading in the bath on through chapter 4. As my beloved is still carrying quite a bit of work stress, i suggest that i give her shoulders, thighs and hips a massage, all the places Dianne says she's likely holding tension. We go the bed, and as the massage proceeds, she's really umming and yumming. And the occasional hih, like shes discovering something in her body. I have no idea what, but she does it on and off the whole evening.
Then we stand up and do some breathing meditation for about 1/4 hour, and afterwards i move to stand very near her and just let our bodies barely touch the lightest of all touches, there's so much energy swirling around I find it just ecstatic, but she seems a bit repelled by it, tickles probably. Then we lay on our sides me on her right, and hold the others positive pole for another 15 minutes. This time its different, i don't feel much connection, and while we enjoy it as a meditation, its not lighting us up.
I should mention that on friday she tells me that she thinks that she's ovulating, and has a pain in her left side. That pain dissipates by saturday evening, but as we rarely if ever make love during this time, it will be interesting to see how it goes. I feel doubly thankful to be held by the schedule.
Anyway I'm curious to try not kissing and cuddling too much to start with this time, which while it will light us up, will also light her up a bit too much. Her mind out of the way there's a good chance she will be all over me tonite. So i get the oil and she spends a bit of time gently preparing our love areas, and its only then that i finally i arouse. Entering slowly, this time starting from scissors, it feels dry and a bit tender for her, and I'm really hard to start off which isn't helping. I just want to rest a while to let her awaken, but she's already jiggling and moving her hips. I remind her that the women is the receptive one, the male the dynamic, and that she cant relax her pelvic floor and move her hips at the same time.As the night goes on this seems to prove right.
But i go along with her, and as she's lubricating now, but despite little or no actual friction, just wriggles here and there, I'm aware of feeling my arousal getting too high, and its an overwhelming feeling, like one of those astronaut training planes that arcs upwards in flight to create zero g. I ask her to stop for a minute to let me cool down, and this we repeat for the first half, until she eventually really relaxes. As she relaxes i relax and I'm finally able to start enjoying it, rotating though the positions, pretty much 360 degrees it felt like. Just moving enough to stay erect. It is spine tinglingly delicious. I don't think it was a coincidence that her relaxation coincided with a little conversation we had mid way where she said she'd like to have an orgasm sometimes, just sometimes. I think she's surprised when i respond by saying that she has to go with what feels right for her, and that ill support her. The umrevs comments came straight to my mind, it was quite the same, her look was indeed of happiness and gratitude when i said this.
So near the end she's laying flat on her tummy, me kneeling from behind. We've enjoyed this position a lot previously but with this new approach it is even nicer. I'm supported by her thighs and just floating in heaven. Now, she loves this position, so i see her hand worm underneath and it looks like she took my advice to heart to not touch her clitoris too roughly like usual, but just ultra softly, because she just felt so relaxed and still the whole time. When she came i felt it, and even though she never uttered a syllable, and her outer body never so much as twitched, i felt the contractions all through her, which went on for ages and ages. We stay connected for a while longer, and we are still both enjoying it, but she's now yawning and i say its probably about time to call it a day. She nods beaming from ear to ear.
I ask her what time she thinks it is, she says 10.30. Its actually midnight. I was as gob-smacked as her that we had been connected for 2 hours. And that we haven't made love til this hour of the day since we first met. We get up to pee, get a glass of water, and I'm aware of feeling just incredibly 100% satisfied, for the first time in my entire life.
Day 84 PM0:1,17,7, Post O Me/her:6 days/1days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days