Week 13

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The heavenly is revealed in the rising of qi;
The earthly is revealed in the sinking of qi.
Follow this and you will live.
Oppose it, and you will die. (500BC)

When the four limbs are aligned,
And the blood and qi are tranquil,
Unify your intent and concentrate your mind.
Then your ears and eyes will not be swayed by lust;
What seemed far away [the Tao] will be close by. (350BC)

(Cohen,K 2005:7)

Prologue

Week 13 brings a deepening of our karezza exploration and cultivation, and also my qigong practise. But as both our post O day counts are pretty low, its still a wild enough ride. But somehow beyond all the sex, and the emotions, i find the theme of the week to be New strength. The potential of breathing, body awareness, and sexual harmony and vitality are gingerly but surely in my grasp, for the first time in my life.

Wednesday 8

Its after 7 this morning, and i don’t really know what’s become of my morning rhythm the last few days. It all seems to have started on saturday after the late night. On sunday i woke up as normal at 4, but on monday i slept in til the alarm went off. Same on tuesday, i just couldn’t seem to get out of bed. As a result my routine went haywire and writing got skipped. The one thing I’ve managed to sustain is the qigong.

Sunday i started my sabath fast, planning a sedate day of rest and contemplation. But alas in the afternoon get dragged into some minor emergencies on the property, that involve physical work and so break the fast at 2pm. My digestion is all over the place still though.

On monday I’m a bit scattered, and on tuesday, more extremely physical work repairing the storm damage. For our tuesday date, she arrives home in a very distracted, 'efficient' state, feeling behind at work. Not really stressed but just overloaded. I can relate well to that feeling, when something is broken or otherwise needs attending to its hard to relax and focus on anything else. I think of that as a male thing.

But I admire her for sticking to the schedule anyway, that demonstrates commitment, and gives her brownie points as far as i am concerned. But also given that i am physically absolutely shattered, we are a right pair, and if karezza can bring any kind of peace to us in this state, that will be true testimony to its virtues.

A light meal of home made chicken soup, a long soak in the tub, while reading chapter 4 of THOTS. We agree to do the exercise described therein, when we begin. We do some qigong stretching, but nonetheless she’s yawning prolifically, and as we lay down there’s nothing more the pair of us would like more than to just drift off to sleep. But we persevere, close our eyes as instructed and try to get in touch with our inner body. That’s easy i say every... single... part... aches.

We proceed as per the last few times, but pretty much solely in 134:7-9, moving into missionary briefly. I have to be careful because she isn't really aroused, and some angles are a little tender. I’m basically just trying to get her to the half hour mark, and most of it spent in stillness. Then i call it quits suggesting we get into scissors, whereupon we fall asleep, she with my blessing, me involuntarily, as I had told myself i would wait a further half an hour to maintain some connection time, then get up and attend to the house. Fat chance, i should have known. Reawaking at 11 (it was maybe 9 when we went to sleep) we now feel really yummy (hadn’t really before). As before we seem to still do out best work asleep.

As i move about the house, i feel that same satisfied feeling as Saturday, not a want of anything. In hindsight i think if we are that tired, we should attend to the house, connect, and just allow ourselves to sleep connected together.

But the other factor, was birth control, its making me uncomfortable. We had agreed in our schedule negotiations to not sleep connected mid cycle, as we aren’t using any other form of contraception. Its not that I’ve had any wet dreams in my adult life, but who knows. But i also did feel a bit nervous during saturday's session when I had my little wave of nausea. My arousal model post reboot is quite unfamiliar to me, and i don't know if i could necessarily predict its course. Maybe condoms are needed after all. I just don’t know how they will work with all the erection coming and goings. We have got by for 6 years without anything more than me not ejaculating, but its not something i'd ever wish to put her though. Love can certainly make one bereft of perspective. I’m not sure how to proceed on that. Bit late now, but its never been a big issue before, we just weren't making love as much.

The second half of her cycle is typically a profoundly dry and disinterested time for her, so i think this will be a factor for the next couple of sessions. I’m torn by two conflicting sets of instructions, that we should wait for her arousal before connecting, or that we can just connect then arouse. Given we haven’t tried it maybe soft entry and stillness is worth experimenting with, given we’ve tried the other way.

Anyway its 8 and the day calls.

Day 87 PM0:1,17,7, Post O Me/her:9 days/4days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days

Thursday 9

Yesterday, even though still rising late, i sacrifice the better part of the morning and just carefully reconstruct my routine, until everything starts to feel right in the world again. My tummy is starting to feel normal again, slowly.

She is in a different space after coming home, she seems to have sailed through the day, is increasing in confidence to the point of audacity. Its so unlike her to be sticking up for herself. She comes home early. But instead of working spends the time on facebook. I guess the work pressure cant have been so bad after all. Maybe there was a bit of post O in tuesday. Then we enjoy one of our nice long couch cuddles, watching a movie. We do talk a little about tuesday, but i largely leave the subject alone, making a token effort to have a life beyond sex. She isn’t at all tired, and is still buzzing in bed at 9, talking about work.

I did contemplate setting the alarm for 4.30, but i couldn’t bring myself to do that to her. But in the end it wasn’t required, and this morning i wake up at my usual hour. This, weird i know, makes me happy. I’m beginning to confirm that food does have a role here, as many rebooters testify. Diet, orgasm addiction and brain balance, all somehow connected.

Also Marnia has been talking lately about the idea of executive control, and i am sure that it will help the strugglers amongst us to be challenged with are we a man or are we a mouse, because that’s the effect of it. By letting food and sex rule our lives, the evolved modern logical part of the brain is just allowing our mouse brains to rule and rain havoc on our lives.

I’m looking forward to the new day.

Day 88 PM0:1,17,7, Post O Me/her:10 days/5days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days

Friday 10

Thursday turned out to be a pretty focused day, but did seem to drag on for ever. When she got home from work in conversation i actually thought two days had passed since the morning. She however has not eaten nor drunk a single thing since the smoothy i thrust into her hands as she flew out the door at 6.30. She reported feeling short-fused as a result of low blood sugar and dehydration. After dinner we don’t even feel like bathing.

So we read and cuddle on the couch, on through into chapter 4, about awareness of body and mind. It talks about fantasy, which is fitting as I’ve broadened my reading into the likes of Bonk, and 50 Shades of Grey (i dont know what i was thinking) to see what the fuss is about (it really is just chic porn). I’ve never really used or been aware of using fantasy, my extensive physical self pleasure focus has been more than enough. But those books have got me a bit worked up it feels like. She OTOH confesses that she’s big on fantasy. It’s a way of escaping the unpleasantness of now. I’m glad she can admit this, because maybe it’s enough to start something.

We proceed as the last days, this time guessing that neither of us are long of this day, sorting the house out, and being prepared to pretty much just connect and then go to sleep. However we do manage some quality time together again to my surprise. Even through the qigong she is yawning, but now connected she perks up, her eyes wide, and has this look of utter radiance. I’m moving almost nothing, as she’s again dry and tender i can tell, so we really just spend the whole time inserting slowly, never really quite reaching the top, but almost. Its nicer for both of us when the edge has gone off my hardness, and i seem to easily sustain that mid erect state the whole time. We like that. By 9.30, we might possibly have made it to the 3/4hr mark, before settling into scissors, and falling dramatically asleep together, as we do.

Some hours later we simultaneously briefly stir, and she’s twitching ready to move. I misinterpret this as her wanting me to pull out, and do. Then at 2 i wake up again, this time wide-awake and with a most persistent erection. I breathe, hold my root, nothing shakes it. I’m in this groggy state of not being able to just observe, as THOTS would have me. People report this as a danger time, and of that I’m mindful at least. But give my penis a little play anyway, but this time, by way of experiment, making sure that i don’t tense my pelvic floor. Im mixing indulgence and science, lol. But it's an interesting exercise that I’ve never been able to achieve before. And actually i discover that right now, regardless of gentle or firm pressure, its pretty much impossible to excite while the pelvic floor is relaxed. Interesting. And ironically the boredom or non-stimulation of it is what finally puts my very hard penis to rest, and i can go back to sleep. Conclusion: excitement really is all about squeezing.

So, all time muddled, i awake again about 5, but thinking its still early, just lay in bed until the alarm goes off. I’m aware of feeling a bit vulnerable and PMO at risk, so get up and join my beloved in the bath. It was a good choice, because i snap out of it. I share all of this with her, and that’s when i learn that she was disappointed when i pulled out in the night. She just wanted to change position. She also reflects that she needs to take better care of herself, but especially on our date nights. After her non arousal the last two sessions, and my tendency to associate this in my mind to non acceptance/receptiveness, this talk is soothing and good.

We are still babes learning to walk in all this, both of us.

Day 89 PM0:1,18,7, Post O Me/her:11 days/6days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days

Sunday 12

Oh yes, just babes in the woods. Friday is a busy workday, and really noticing that I’ve quietly formed a nice relationship with one particular client. We've been working together so long that we know how each other will react to things. And I manage to clear the desk for the week quite well. Qigong is progressing, having gotten a couple of books and a set of DVDs. Nuances of posture have improved, and my breathing is starting to feel really solid. I can go through a whole session pretty relaxed, and 35 minutes just disappears easily.

My digestion feels happier, and my body feels happier. Our bonding is still going good, remembering to cuddle in the evening. We’ve only watched 90mins of movie all week. I try to have an evening free of karezza talk now and then! So friday night we flick through the lonely planet for her tropical island.

Saturday morning after I’ve written, she stumbles out of bed, and comes and sits on my lap. This is wonderful, quite euphoric, as she smells all bed-y, soft and tender, and i feel rewarded for my rather ascetic morning, haha.

But before long a train of events starts with her phone call home when she learns a family illness is deteriorating. I can tell just by listening that she’s effected. However I’m already in a 'i have to get out of the house' mood, its the one sunny day forecast for the next while, and I’ve itchy feet. But for some reason i don’t go, however managing to drag her kicking and screaming mid afternoon for local walk, a good few miles. But other than that we both independently fritter away the day, me reading, her daydreaming (she's supposed to be working).

I should have known, because something felt odd about it. I was aware something wasn’t right, just couldn’t put my finger on it. She and I have both flushed the phone call and the news from our minds.

And since thursday night i am still in an odd space, slightly aroused much of the time, not exactly MO prone, but sort of genital focused is how i can describe it. It’s no flat-line, not like last time, that’s for sure. More like not really come down from out last session. Is that what people describe as being on pause? Also while I have no blue balls at all this time round do have a sort of ache in my shaft that seems to have originated from my experiment on thursday night. A kind of bent feeling.

Anyway at dinner i'm proud of myself for eating moderately, and afterwards she picks a fight with me on next years building project. Its not that i rise to the bait, but i initially don’t see it for what it is, and she isn’t happy with my response either rebuttal or sidestepping. I try to get her into the bath, she resists and keeps on at me, she’s quite wound now, but when she does join me, now that we are face to face, i finally click to what’s going on. Meanwhile she’s still busy inflating a large balloon of emotion by staring obliquely into space, yelling, just as i had done not that long ago.

So I ask her to look at me. And as she does, her pulse eases, her breathing starts to deepen, and i feel so much love for her. I ask her what she’s feeling. Frustrated with my non-committal (which she assumes is agreement) to project ideas, then when forcing my opinion i come across as critical of her plans. Confused as to my support.

Is it that you’re feeling criticised? Yes, softening. Reflects more. Really starting to connect now, eyes fused. And this whole thing with my parents... i haven’t really... i finish for her, started to process it. Suddenly both of us are crying. She as quickly stops, stuffs it back down, I have a good bawl. I say, let it out, her, I don’t like to cry. It’s ok to cry, you have to let it out or it’ll eat you up. But a minute later the energy lifts and i am laughing. She’s laughing. Gosh. Our karezza date spent in the bath emoting. It’s almost as good, honestly.

Then we take turns colouring in our experience of late, me saying how difficult it is for me to focus on the future and material plans when my inner life is in such revolution, and that this rebooting/karezza journey has triggered in me a mid life crisis of sorts. How i desperately need a better way to frame my existence than plodding through life settling for mediocrity. She talks around it, about her 40s crisis.

When the bath gets cold, i say she looks like she needs a cuddle and we adjourn to the couch, naked under a duvet. I ask her to tell me about her mother, the first things that come to her mind. She talks quietly for the rest of the evening, reminiscing all the nice times she had with her. Until 10pm when I fade, and we go to bed. We agree to postpone the date til the morning.

Day 91 PM0:1,18,7, Post O Me/her:13 days/8days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days

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Comments

always love reading your posts

thank you for your wonderful journal.

Regarding pelvic floor relaxation, this is my primary focus. I have meditated on that area and still do sometimes, just relaxing it and feeling it and going in there and feeling love for it. When I'm inside my partner that's what I focus on primarily. Of course other thoughts and distractions arise but I go back to that. I really feel no interest in having an orgasm. Sometimes it surprises me. She came today on top of me and a stray thought came in, I could easily go over the edge, do I want to...and the answer was, no I don't. I enjoyed her orgasm but didn't feel a desire to have one of my own.

I know what you mean by sometimes being "genital focused" for a day or two. I think the meditation is especially helpful there.

I still plan on trying the qigong, sounds intriguing. Thanks!