Week 15

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When first experimenting with this, my lover and i would ask ourselves, 'How slow is slow?' With me relaxing and he moving one millimeter at a time, i was reorienting my vagina to feel the event of penetration, the opening, the surrender, the receptivity. It was glorious! (Richardson,D 2006:91)

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. (Saint Francis of Assisi 1181-1286)

Prologue

The theme this week is Practice. Not work in the day job sense, but having gained a grasp of the basics, it is now just time for us to do the work.

Monday 20

Having just read the THOTS chapter on communication the previous night, and after much soul searching she comes to me and tells me she really doesn’t want to do PVI on day 1 of her period. Says she’s not ready. I’m fine about it, and tell her so. I ask what she wants to do instead and we cuddle on the couch she with a hot water bottle. We read and talk, and idle away the morning entwined. It’s pleasant.

In the morning the erection i awake with i hardly notice at all, a trend these last few days. Qigong, writing, and into the day.

Day 99 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:22 days/16days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days

Tuesday 21

I find myself intuitively and unselfconsciously holding my root often now. Something’s on the mend. And I’ve been slowly absorbing the impact of the chimney dream throughout the week. I was hesitant to analyse it too much that morning, more to soak it in. The obvious symbolism between chimney and phallus was right there of course, but the brokenness needed more time. Broken mid way between the firebox and the business end, severed, amidst or due to neglect. A disconnect between stimulation and sensitivity. Between the antennae tip and the energy source. It’s not a wonder at all that I’m holding it like a wounded bird.

And synchronistically a smaller reboot flat-line has set in. So I’m to get a relief from the body cravings as well. Life is a miracle how things work out.

Today is day 100 of this journey, and the politics of day counting aside, it feels like a milestone. No big lessons to share, far from ending, this feels more like the beginning.

Day 100 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:23 days/17days, POST PVI/Other: 4 days/4 days

Wednesday 22

Running somewhat behind this morning, and it seems crazy to be stressing about being late for simple nurturing morning domesticity. I do my qigong practice after she is gone at 6.30. I just like to be settled when she gets up, that’s all.

Initially the day is ok, but somewhere it goes awry. I’m pretty sure, but not absolutely sure, that it was when i was filling out the passport renewal form. One of the sections asks you to enter a next of kin for emergency contact. This stops me, as most of my family are a bit transient at present, and the only one with a stable street address is my father. This seems to trigger lots of reflection on whether I’ve failed to forgive him properly for his absence, and whether waiting until his death to 'move on' is the right path.

It seems to have left a residue on me through the day, and by the time she gets home I’m moody and sullen. I’m not unaware that this is however more likely a reboot crash. My diet has been ok, not really changed with the exception that she does cook once in a while and has made lasagne, which is more cheese and wheat than id normally eat in a week

Anyway she puts me in the bath, and we talk about my dad.

I want her to take charge of our date and tell her so, but she keeps asking me what i want. I tell her i don’t want to think, not tonight. I’ve got some little she broke the schedule, she has to restart it thing going, but that’s just the mood I’m in. Eventually she does, and we kind of force ourselves together with the help of much oil. Its the last half of her period now, but there’s no real blood that i can see. But she is tender and we start in scissors and stay there for some time, both of us just trying to relax.

After a time, she gets more physically comfortable, and for my part, i come out of my emotional shell. After some time has passed, it gets to a point where we are both eventually present and smiling. We wriggle around to a spoon position on our sides and i nuzzle her neck for a good long while. But then I’m still on at her about being on top. Dianne says that’s the best to women menstruating, but i seem to just want her there for some reason. However the act of starting the sequence of changing towards that position seems to restart her cramps. So we go back to scissors, and i lose what little erection i had. Lesson learned.

We lay there feeling sleepy, and reluctantly de-connect to clean up. But we manage to get a really close cuddle going, and turn the lights out. That’s significant because we normally don’t cuddle in bed.

I sleep well and awake at 5, and we cuddle again for a half hour before getting up. I feel groggy, and had dreamed that i was an ipad salesman. im selling these ipad clones, and the customer says they are a bit blurry, and i agree, saying they are cheap. Then i tell him about a competitor’s product and say its better. But then we agree that tablets are just so fragile that its not worth it. I have no idea what that’s all about, but record it in case something jells later.

She’s doing her morning preening and now sitting on the couch drinking her smoothy, which is likely the only sustenance she'll get today. She is beaming, radiating love and i thank her for being patient with me.

Day 101 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:24 days/18days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days

Thursday 23

Wednesday is another fairly flat day, i struggle all day with cotton wool syndrome, and work crawls. With the karezza schedule well established, and 100 days qigong practice started, i have to remember that I’m also rebooting still. For those reasons and the fact that its my second reboot, it feels somewhat diluted this time, but there nonetheless.

The primary symptoms right now are small headaches in my temple, feeling flat and foggy, testicles that alternative between shrivelled and tight or super floppy. Pretty much the same as last time but not as strong.

Something else that i noticed yesterday was how much i cross my legs. And how that squashes my genitals. I’m going to make a more concerted effort not to do that today. My desk is two inches too high, so i need to get a footstool or something as well.

She comes home buoyant, and in the evening i must have been looking low because she makes a nest for us on the couch, puts a movie on and holds me, i don’t really watch it but kind of listen and doze on and off. I felt held and nurtured, and must have felt safe to fall asleep like that. I barely even remember her somehow or another getting me into bed, and then have one of those marathon dream filled nights. Awaking with a riot in my gut.

I do my qigong while she’s in the shower. Breathing, while probably returning to old habits during the day, slips easily back into easy abdominal breathing during qigong practice. It’s like coming home.

Day 102 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:25 days/19days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days

Friday 24

She arrives home looking frazzled after a 12 hour day, having been asked to do overtime. I cut her some slack and offer to move our date til tomorrow. But as i do so i quietly ponder the point of the schedule. We go to bed at 8.30 and both are yawning and i hold her while she sleeps and read to myself for a while.

I feel like I’m trying to get a cold, or a cold is trying to get me. At least i wake up on time, and despite a croak in my throat, and a distinctly groggy feeling, manage 20 mins of qigong. During the purification series one particular movement generates a twinge in the mid point between chest and belly. Also i notice today that my right knee and leg is struggling to hold the stance. I think that’s connected to the asymmetry in my chest somehow. After kind of forcing the leg to remain in stance, its left with a buzzing all over. Something’s up there.

I have only vestiges of much dreaming about losing my hiking boots, i worry for ages looking for them, only to find they have safely returned to the 'boot pool'. Then later a dessert valley turns into a harbour.

Day 103 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:26 days/20days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days

Saturday 25

Friday is a better day. I get through a tricky work interview, and a previously annoying visitor doesn’t annoy me any more. When my beloved returns home she says that I’m bouncy, which possibly has something to do with the fact that both feet sometimes leave the ground. My genitals feel completely neutral, now with no pain of any kind, no cravings, but not dead either. My qigong breathing is slowly slowly starting to seep into the rest of my day, becoming a new habit.

Before we bath, we engage in our karezza foreplay: reading Dianne, lol. Genital consciousness. We enjoy the chapter, and the whole time we are both holding our own poles, me almost unconsciously now, after what feels like a week of it. And i also give her an update of what’s going on in the reuniting community, whose coming whose going etc! When i relate one particular thread i find myself laughing, and before you know it I’m just laughing and laughing and laughing, more heartily than i can ever remember. It feels like a wonderful release of long stored sexual energy.

In diametric contrast she is drained from her week, and as we adjourn to our love nest, aka bed, she’s making a real effort to be present, and awake at least. But I’m learning not to necessarily wait for her to tune into her arousal, it sometimes doesn’t happen yet. After a good while, i warm up the oil by holding under my armpit, to let her know its soon. At this point neither of us are aroused. But as she rubs it into our love areas, we awaken, and she just places the tip at the entrance. There i stay for a while, and this is the first time we’ve done this, I’m normally eager to get on, while i have an erection i guess, but its actually quite nice, kind of like a foreplay, and there’s an anticipation of sorts that arouses us.

We start and stay in scissors, not really moving much, as shes still tender. Gone is my gingerness, and i could easily enjoy a roley poley type of session, but i see its not where she is at. So keep fairly still being mindful of any sudden position changes etc. We creep around to spoon in small increments. And lay there in stillness. Its actually quite comfortable, and the pressure from my penis is more away from her inner tender bits. At 10 after maybe 45mins unconnected, and 45mins connected we go to scissors and straight to sleep.

We must have parted in the night but i don’t recall it.

As i reread yesterday’s dreams, they are so transparent, whereas at the time they seemed like so much gibberish, and i pretty much ignored them. Now its clear that they are qigong dreams.

This morning's dreams are also interesting. My beloved has gone to some kind of bath house or sex club. Everyone is wearing swimwear, and shyly pairing up to cuddle. My beloved has already found someone. I look around and see nothing that interests me and leave. On my way out a very very short women wearing layers of wool tries to hug me, and i politely excuse myself. And then something sexual isn’t happening, and in lieu of that i have to form a mountain shape with my body, until things come right, and i feel healed.

Day 104 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:27 days/21days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days

Sunday 26

It is another sparklingly clear saturday, but she wants to get some work done today. However we do take a brief trip into town. Im working myself up into 'gota go climb a mountain' frenzy. But again do nothing about it. I dont know why. Still joined at the hip somehow. I attend to some paperwork, and treat myself to some recreational computing time, making ebooks. This drive to digitise the old books is neat. Found some books by Albert Chavannes, but unfortunately not the one or two that we need. Several U.S. university librarys contain the Complete works of Albert Chavanne maybe there’s someone here who lives in one of those cities.

Mid afternoon she’s swearing, and about ready to heave her laptop, because powerpoint and excel aren’t playing nicely. I tell her ever so helpfully that its no use getting mad at it. By 6pm, date time, she’s no closer to being done. Wants to finish it, so, again i offer a postponement til the morning. We should probably just change the date times to friday night and sunday morning and be done with it.

Instead we watch, on some rebooters recommendation, the 1952, barely color, The Quiet Man. Its a lot of fun. I especially like the scene where the youthful John Wayne is literally dragging his wife back home after her bout of obstreperousness. Teehee.

Wake at 5, qigong, write, go dig some carrots for juicing, and all good to go.

Day 105 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:28 days/22days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days

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Comments

I've always been curious

about Chavannes's writing about sexual practices. He sounded like a bit of a wild man in one account I read, but hey, nothing wrong with that. I'll put in a library loan request for the Complete Works and see what turns up.

congratulations

so many wonderful openings in your life...100 days is terrific.

I get a sense of greater and greater peace as I read your terrific writing. That is worth so much.