Self knowledge is...the basis of all other knowledge.
To learn we must be free to err, to make mistakes, for in correcting our mistakes, we advance the process of learning in a way unique to our species. We evolve precisely because of the extraordinary scope of error we have been allowed. (Lash,J 2006:210)
Owing to certain indiscretions, I was going to theme this week Recommittment, but as i reflect upon the week and compare it with week 12, while the latter was also a week of slip ups, it was actually themed Breakthrough.
In spite of the slip ups, i still feel well, our relationship is stronger than ever, karezza just gets better and better, it feels almost like a spirit of forgiveness is tentatively seeping into my life.
After some tears, I decide to go with Learning to Forgive.
After writing on sunday i go back to bed at 7 or 8 am. After our usual preparations, we get together, and spend a long leisurely while in scissors, and instead of quickly moving on, we explore subtle variations on scissors with some fun twisting of bodies. She’s still a bit tender, and I remain semi-hard throughout as we keep it low key. While our penis to vagina connection is still, our bodies are moving as we migrate between positions. As we continue on round 360 degrees, and we are so happy and smiling, and the lovemaking is sweet. Its warm, the bedding long since shed, the sun streaming in through the window, bathing two contented lovers in energy.
Her period while lasting longer than usual, a full 8 days, seemed lighter to me. At one point near the end, she is on top (finally), and we are looking each other square on, and up quite close, and we always feel much more connected in the second hour, but for a moment we both see sadness in each other. However we both report feeling happy, and laugh it off, but something is there. Not sure who.
Four hours later we emerge, and she spends the rest of the day house cleaning, and i enjoy seeing her potter about. In the evening we re-watch The Last Samurai, and life feels good.
Having gone to sleep in scissors (but not connected), I sleep in this morning, and its lucky i did. I dreamed about things taking longer then expected, and attending to details. First, because of the way that i have engineered it, a particular process takes too long, and its because i don’t appreciate how much is involved in the overall task, how many subtasks are actually occurring. I fix it after a new colleague and friend points this out to me. Then, I’m walking with this woman, it could be my beloved, but it could also be archetypal womanhood. We are talking as we walk through a forest, I’m in front, and next thing i know she’s got left behind. I can hear her but not see her. I go back and help her out of the mud she’s stuck in. Or maybe she stopped to see something I walked right past.
But i awake in a very nice space, they feel like great dreams somehow, and enjoy a lovely cuddle for a half hour before we both get up. It’s a real treat. And as i bathe with her I’m quietly pondering just how well i feel. I have half an erection from my sleep, and it just feels like aliveness, nothing more nothing less.
It’s later now, and as a result, and for a change, qigong is at dawn.
Day 106 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:29 days/23days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
Afterwards i decide to go for a walk as the sun comes up. However stupidly i combine my walk with a property maintenance task, and before i know it I’m dragged into neighbourhood politics. I haven’t even written in my journal. By the time i get back, daytime energy has infiltrated my day, and I’m scattered as i write. Mother phoned which she doesn’t do often, and I’m surprised to find myself crying and releasing tension around by beloveds mother. I’m not really close to my family but today I’m just glad she called.
It’s not until mid morning that i realise that my beloved has left little love notes here and there around the house. I feel just so blessed, and grateful to have such a wonderful person in my life. With a bad case of monday-itis i half watch some qigong dvd, attend to domesticity and before i know its midday. The day proceeds in the same chaotic vein until she returns home, and i seem distant and introspective. I have to work at being nice to her, until eventually i pull it back together, kind of. I almost forgot to thank her for the notes, but remember just in the squeak of time. But I’m ratty, and she offers to hold me, and i read chapter 10 again. We are both really sleepy at 8pm and we decide to go to bed, and cuddle some more. We both have had long days but regardless somehow our proximity still feels to be sleep inducing.
Today, i awake at 2, up at 4, and qigong is intense. The breathing is really starting to jell, and form a life of its own, and the stance is becoming more natural, and for the first time, my arm movements don’t distract from my breathing. There’s still lots of shaking and trembling, and I’m having to correct my right leg and pelvis angle a little still. The dvd discusses the significance of the diaphragm as the center of the body the dwelling place of qi. That image helps me focus, and by the time I’m half way through the 30min session, I’m just right there, my whole body and mind working together. Amazingly my mind goes into this expansive radiating plane.
Like i said intense session. She’s up now and i find it hard to talk about, convey, while I’m still awash with energy. But she feels it and is eager to know about it.
Day 107 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:30 days/24days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
I manage to finally get through the dreaded paperwork, that I’ve been putting off for a couple of weeks. Spend the afternoon with the animals, and prepare a yummy beef roast. I’m already drooling at the thought of it. Used to be a vegetarian, lol.
Its fun to watch her unwind, process her day, and through an act of sheer will power carve out a space for our date. I can tell she’s in one of those spaces, that she would normally pour a large wine, and settle on the couch to watch the box. But she’s committed to it, and it shows.
At 7.30, we have a lovely half hour of eye time on the bed, having skipped the rest of the preliminaries because of an unexpected visitor. As a result we are both aware of our meals in our belly when we breath, despite eating lightly. It confirms for me wanting to keep at least one morning in the schedule. Her eyes close for a second or two and she’s actually aware of dreaming in those moments. But she’s really making an effort to stay awake, and this makes me feel special and glad. She takes the oil, and again this produces a soft sexual awakening where there was previously nothing. I ask her how she knows when she’s ready, and she says she just knows.
It is a lovely session, savouring a full hour connected. We spend the first 30 minutes just entering, and she comments how much the book is so right about that. We talk on and off and so we get to experience my erection regrowing a couple of times. This is indeed magic, because you don’t have to move, you can just sit and feel it, its movement without movement. Started in 'usual', moving to a variant of THOTS 137-4. For those without the book this is great position, that is fast becoming a mainstay for us. The woman is on her side knees curled, the man kneeling with one leg between hers, kind of resting on her thigh. Its a great position to while a way the time, and its easy to not move, because its kind of awkward to do so. You can rock and wriggle, kiss at a squeak, and that’s all nice. She’s refinding her sensation now after her period tenderness, and kind of purring. We are both surprised when 9 comes around. She doesn’t believe me when i tell her. It was a simple but elegant session. Back to scissors and sleep.
She wakes up often in the night with hot flushes. I have lots of strange dreams. I meditate for a while, and am mindful of having to firmly bring my body into presence. I postpone qigong til she’s left, and prior to doing so as i go about morning routines I’m really aware of how uneasy my body feels this morning, jaw tight, breathing reluctantly. This is a good comparison, to my normal morning rhythm.
Day 108 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:31 days/25days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
Well, where to start. Before rereading the weeks entries, i suspected that this weeks crash went unacknowledged, but the sense of it does appear in my writing. It came to a head yesterday. On top of the various other things that happened this week, in searching for more karezza sources, some kind of authority. Chavannes has come up a dead end, and qigong writers generally avoid the subject, except if you count throw away references to 'sexual harmony' (like that’s a trivially easy thing to achieve), and searching deeper into the google results pages. Its some sense of lack or want that i cant put my finger on. My own experience isn’t enough authority.
But ok, out with it, yesterday afternoon i pmo’ed. It was after a day of non-satisfying work, but some good exercise in the middle of the day, just feel like I’ve been chasing this feeling of lack all week. Couldn’t kick it. I missed the thirst signal, which was definitely there, but the other signal is finding myself staring at a blank web browser pondering what site i can go to. This is a classic, and easy to recognise signal.
It was the same as last time, being lulled by a run of up weeks, then hit with a burst of low days in a row.
Ok, so the other thing is i never actually deleted the porn collection, never got around to it. Having thus far drawn the line of not viewing any new porn, not much of a line when there’s so much sitting there. So i guess today’s the day.
Day 109 PM0:3,21,8, Post O Me/her:1 days/25days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
I confessed to her in the bath in the morning, after stalling for a day. She was very understanding and told me not to beat myself up over it. My day turned out ok, but i never did delete the P. Our date went well, although it was 9 by the time we started and i tucked us in at 10, falling asleep connected. I was the one falling asleep not her, she was wide awake. For a change. I was also a bit wriggly and was over arousing her. We teased each other about how i had nothing to lose, and she has her 25 day lead to defend. Through will power she brought herself back to calm, and is becoming a real rock in this journey with me.
This morning it took a long time to settle into the qigong, fidgety and mindy. I guess i have to rekindle my energy now.
Just now deleted most of the P except one folder. I’m not sure why i cant do it, its pretty soft but particular arty. Will try again tomorrow! But in saying goodbye, i succumb, willingly, to the chaser. Sigh.
I really must apply myself today, work backlogging up again. It shows in my somewhat tragic cash flow at the moment.
Day 110 PM0:3,21,8, Post O Me/her:2 days/26days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
Ironically i do get a good days work done, that’s the temporary relief effect, I guess. When she comes home she is hypey and talks talks talks for hours. Don’t know what’s up there. I've been noticing her teeth lately and i suddenly realised why, its because she's smiling so much, not just in special moments but a general sense of smile, even when having a rant about work she smiles. Also noticed how kissing her lately is so much nicer, i don’t have to worry about her worrying, about me worrying. If we feel like an extra specially nice kiss on the couch, we can just kiss.
We watch a movie, cuddle and dream Thor dreams.
This morning qigong is an absolute struggle as it was the day after the last PMO. I cant get out of my mind, my body is rebelling, and i barely make it to 10 minutes and quit, dejected.
As i sit here, my head in my hands, i realise that for me its crunch time, (again). The emptiness inside of me is just hanging there glaring at me, for days now. That moment of low dopamine, of existential voidness, of feeling like i just need something to make it all go away.
I was aaalllmost at a place where i didn’t care about PMO, and now I’ve lost it. The scene haunts me. Feeling morbid, I have to choose which path i want to take.
Day 111 PM0:4,22,9, Post O Me/her:1 days/27days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
That feeling chased me on into saturday. But just when it was about to get the better of me again, i made a snap decision to go do something outside. Little bits of rebooter’s coaching in the back of my mind. Tried meditation when i got up this morning. Not happening. So exercise then? There are plenty of physical jobs to do around the place, and it was a good decision. After a couple hours out in the air, using muscles that were designed to be used for practical economic purposes, I’m not only happy with the results, but feeling much more calm and balanced.
Meanwhile she stays in bed all day, puttering on her laptop. She has this ability to kill time, don’t know how she does it. Maybe her fear of failure literally paralyses her?
Come date time, she’s still at it, 7pm goes, 8 pm goes, then she finally emerges to the dinner that I’d kept warm for her for 2 hours. I ask her if she prefers to do it now or in the morning. She’s a bit torn, but we eventually settle on the morning.
We cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Sleep well, then i rise at 5.30. Around here that’s a sunday sleep in, lol.
I meditate for half hour or so, then have a much calmer qigong session. Its odd how my mid week lapse seems to have dissolved quickly and left no real trace now. The difference between today and yesterday is like night and day. What a difference a day makes.
When I do a body tension check, I find nothing. Also I’m aware now that the abdominal breathing is beginning to permeate my day. I think those two things are linked. I’m not certain but it feels like better breathing has really quite rapidly become my norm, and i know this because the odd time i breathe into my chest it jars. A distinct pattern is that in those moments, its like a sigh, like I’m sighing in frustration at something.
Iv’e started reading Chia's Taoist Secrets of Love, and finding it interesting, but a bit all over the place. And re-reading Chuen's The Way of Energy.
Day 112 PM0:4,22,9, Post O Me/her:2 days/28days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days