The lower dan tian is the reservoir of the yin and earthy energy called jing, "life essence" — the germ of life, vitality, and sexual energy...Externally, jing [is] nourished by sexual harmony and proper nutrition [..] Internally, [when] the lungs and kidneys are healthy, their energies combine to produce jing. (Cohen,K 2005:25)
Men too, have accumulated tensions and pains though misunderstanding, misuse and abuse of their wonderful male antennae. [Ed. No kidding?] (Richardson,D 2003:123)
This week is the first week that i can remember on this journey without shedding a single tear. And what with finding a real home in my breath, building a relationship with my dark side, and more outbursts of chronic laughing it feels like i am Beginning to Heal.
Picking the thread up again on sunday morning, she stirs around 8, and i go to her and hold her softly, whisper sweetnesses into her ear as she awakes. After her coffee, we move steadily through gazing at each other, holding poles, and warming the oil. The calendar says that she ought to be ovulating. As with her usual pattern this time of the month she’s arousable yet subdued. After she warms up which takes maybe 20 minutes, it becomes clear that she could very readily arouse, if she wanted to. But she’s decided she doesn’t, and in the process of switching it off, has switched everything off. She’s talking, and its almost as if she’s trying to distract herself. Her commitment to avoiding O is really quite impressive, which is interesting to me as i am not sure what the exact source of the resolve is. However i remind her that she can avoid getting over excited by relaxing and breathing, she doesn’t need to completely disappear! For my part I’m being very gentle, i find it increasingly easy to stay well away from excitement, even in such close proximity to my recent slip up. That’s because, duh, I’m breathing. Far from tensing my pelvic floor its almost dragging along the ground. It’s the abdominal breathing that opens that particular door.
A full rotation through the rear, and back to scissors. We experiment with pillows under her pelvis in some positions to see if that helps the pressure on her lower back, which has on and off back pain. It’s because she’s switched off that she’s uncomfortable. We talk some about breathing on which subject she’s still resisting. Also about how the schedule means we come together as equals. Not from a place of one of us being in lust mode. About refining the schedule, we agree to move saturday night to sunday morning, but leave thursday night alone.
After about an hour connected, we deconnect, and she gets on with her work. I read for ages in the bath.
This morning i wake up with the alarm, aroused, and it’s certainly tempting. Drag myself out of bed, feeling congested, and croaky. But do my qigong at dawn after she has left. I am happy that the practice has returned to ease, and practice deepening my breath, as it's still quite rapid. Then edit week 16.
Day 112 PM0:4,22,9, Post O Me/her:3 days/28days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
From the get go, its a ratty day, i'm snacking all morning for the first time in a long time. I assuage the lack with food until midday when i relent, get it over with and MO. Get some work done, but feel awful, about the horrible horrible way that i did it, really rough and unloving, an act of a desperate man. When she gets home she’s taken a fall down a flight of stairs, and is bruised black and blue. I don’t seem to be able to develop much sympathy, i know from last time that I’m just going to have to endure a week of residue, it takes the form of depression really, but i know it passes.
I dream about putting fires out. We are being given practise house fires and have to use our hoses to put the fire out. I have the hang of it, and am having to coach her.
Up at 4, meditate for a while semi-successfully. My dear old breath, you have become my closest friend. My plan for the week is to continue with my outdoor projects doing a stint each day mid morning, as I know mornings are the hardest.
My willpower seems insufficient for the task, but as per the gnostic's theory of error i am learning about myself in these failures.
Day 113 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:1 days/29days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
Qigong at dawn, and then my outdoor therapy, which i enjoyed so much that it was midday before i came inside. Not so great for the 'work' work, but i realise i miss working outside. The ground where I’m working is very uneven and i recall something i read somewhere in the qigong literature about how all this walking we do in modern times on sealed pavement, does nothing to develop the required flexibility in our joints.
In the afternoon i send her a love txt. Lets just say that this isn’t something I’m known for. She’s initially upbeat when she comes home, and we even impromptu cuddle for a bit on the couch before she’s even changed. But come date time she’s absorbed in a letter writing affair, something she struggles with, and she’s simultaneously asking for and rejecting my help. I tell her that while I’m ok about postponing the date, can we negotiate before hand, rather than let it slide. She’s grumpy from the letter but agrees that that is fair.
I’m tired and go to bed and fall asleep reading, which is unusual. When she comes to bed, i become wide awake, and she snuggles up unusually close. For a while we both lie there, for my part it feels like our bodies are missing the connection we were suppose to have had, have become used to. There’s this 'something’s missing' feeling, but I’m not upset and have no residue that i can see of her hissy fit.
Soon asleep, soon awake.
Gary posted something yesterday about a UK initiative to get ISPs to block porn. While I of all people can see the 'sense' in this, its very much a case of careful for what you ask for. In the industry this is known as layer 7 filtering or deep packet inspection. The ISPs traditionally baulk over it because of the serious computing resources it requires. But also it’s a thin end of a large and invasive information censorship wedge. Of course those that seek control always start with sensible sounding justifications about nasty porn and bombmakers... See also Net neutrality.
Others, discuss the role of online porn itself as a method of control... Absolutely. But there’s only one person that can truly control us and that's us. 'Free from the first breath'. Note to self:)
Day 114 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:2 days/30days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days
Wednesday proceeded as per tuesday, so far so good. The letter has not gone away, and she’s asking various people for help and is surprised when they all have different ideas. I stop with whatever defensiveness i might have had over my input, and become more of a mediator. She’s also feeling a bit queasy in the tummy, probably something she created out of worry.
After dinner i hold my root, and read some threads from reuniting to her out loud. As we read about louie’s castle parties, I’m starting to chuckle, then laugh, and by the time emerson chips in with his 'other idea', i just seem to find new appreciation for the guys' gentle wit, because I’m now laughing my belly silly. ROTFL. I can’t stop and she eventually grabs the laptop off me, it’s the only way she’s going to get the end of the story. This journey is just one healing moment after another.
Come date time, i literally throw her in the bath, and I’m like don’t mess with me girl, get out of your head and into the bath. We talk about how she’s feeling, and read chapter 12 thots. Once we get into it she seems to take pleasure in not thinking about her worries for a change, and is attentive and seems relaxed, except for having to jump up to go to the bathroom often. I say it’s probably going to be a just connect and sleep kind of session, and that's so.
I don’t sleep terribly well, and get up at 5 with the alarm, which somehow she has set earlier and earlier, this year from 5.45 to 5.30, to now 5. Its the busy time in her work year, but maybe that I’m up is a factor. She likes it when we are up together. I urge her to get the letter off today, so she can stop worrying about it.
Day 115 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:3 days/33days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
Thursday saw a continuation of reasonably ok days, and although I’ve not got a lot of work done, I have enjoyed my outdoor projects. Somehow next year i need to get more balance in my work life. Our date goes well, and we both are savouring the connection. In general she seems more present than I’ve ever known her, but then maybe i just never knew her. Once we go into eye mode, all the falling asleep business is gone, she’s right there. It’s easy for her. Maybe this is what Darryl means when he says that the woman is center stage. Its almost like all these years she’s just been waiting for me to sort my proverbial shit out.
I sleep in two days in a row and so do qigong after its light. Yesterday i do it under some big trees with the sun on my back, with my long shadow held out before me. It is grand. In the afternoon i fall asleep for a time in the afternoon, there’s some sort of adjustment taking place.
Reading wise i seem to have put Chia aside, i have so many books open, but i'm enjoying Yang Jwing-Ming's book The Root of Qigong.
I’m enjoying the camaraderie amongst the reuniters at the moment. There’s little challenges and encouragements, and its all good. For the record I’m always open to suggestions, i may come across as self contained, but i do enjoy others input. In some ways ache for it.
Day 117 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:5 days/35days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
Dreamy night. Helicopters land all around us. Troopers storm out on exercise. I want to hide, but reside myself to the drama of having to be involved... I’m leading a class of students inside a very small building, trying to get them to see its design failures...I go for a job interview and am early and wait outside. Two girls arrive and go in, then two boys. I'm last and one minute late. The receptionist denies there is an interview, and i storm out. I am being punished for being late. I struggle to repack my stuff and leave.
I’m learning a new set of four qigong exercises and they are challenging. I can manage 10 minutes after a 10 minute warm-up. Strangely it is my left leg and foot that is more affected now.
As she has lots of homework to do, my beloved has asked me to come to her at 7am. She’s different this morning. Initially comes across as business like, but she turns out to be really into it. I’ve noticed a blurring of intimacy across the day and week. On non date nights we will gaze into each others eyes at length before bed. A random hug will be a real intimate moment. Ill catch her eye after her phone calls home, I’ll place myself into her gaze, hold her by the shoulders and connect with her pain.
So that this morning we are able to launch into PVI with almost no 'foreplay' doesn't really surprise me. She’s driving the pace and this morning she is just good to go. My penis again rises to the occasion about 2 seconds before its needed, not sooner, not later, there’s no angst about this any more, that’s history.
Initially we are in scissors watching and feeling the sensations of our organs meeting softly. I wasn’t expecting much, it being the 4th week of her cycle, but on the contrary she’s quite animated. When its time to move, i don’t ask her where to, its my turn to be in charge, and just move one limb at a time in the rotation. It’s becoming more intuitive with less limb tangles. Consequently we discover three new positions. One in scissors where our bodies are much closer, and one with her on her back, me kneeling straddled over her then laying the same, that’s really lovely and destined to become a favorite.
There’s quite a bit of sexual energy between us, and i think we are both aware that we could let rip, but together its no struggle at all to quietly rein it in. As a consequence we maintain and get to savour the loveliest 90 minutes connected, our bodies quite relaxed the whole time, in fact i don’t think I’ve ever seen her quite so relaxed and aroused at the same time. We get to a point where i say to her, I’m satisfied, are you? and she looks into my eyes, and says i am, love. I go soft, just as on-demand as i had initially gotten hard, and pull gently out. We connect as equals and disconnect as equals and set off into our days with a warm sense of peace and harmony. What an extraordinary treasure that is.
Day 118 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:6 days/35days, POST PVI/Other: 0 days