Kiss and snuggle as long as you like... Move into either the scissors or bridge position... Unite genitals... Visualise the sexual energy flowing between you... For at least fifteen minutes, try not to change positions or move... Relax totally. (Robinson,M 2009:340)
Now from this point on, you have to focus on relaxing and staying in 'calm waters,' that is, keep yourself from getting swept away by the temptation of moving and rubbing. It is best to remain perfectly still... if you stay with it and wait, you will learn that there is an incredible gift for both of you.- www.reuniting.info/karezza_four_easy_steps
[Sexual intercourse usually] has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Its beginning and most elementary form is the simple *presence* of the male organ in the female. Then usually follows a series of reciprocal *motions*... Suppose, then, that a man, in lawful intercourse with woman, choosing for good reasons not to beget a child or to disable himself, should stop at the primary stage and content himself with simple *presence* continued as long as agreeable? (Noyes,J 1872:8)
Week 7 is the week we finally get it together, and lose our Karezza virginity for real. Among the reasons for taking this long were our head colds, at least our fair share of emotional journeying, and a certain cognitive lack. In other words we had no real idea what we were doing.
The first excerpt is from exchange 16, and it relates to the first intercourse. I believe that its focus on stillness is there to help new couples make the radical adjustment to non-arousal. It was heeding this advice that finally helped us. And looking again 'Four Steps' is clear on the matter. But I like Noyes explanation best of all. While he does go on to explain that motion is also agreeable, i rather like his phrasing. That feels like where we are at, the elementary school of karezza.
Week 7 contains both breakthrough, and, ironically relapse. But while it's a week of extremes, for me its about Progress.
Warning: contains some sex scenes. Kinda.
This morning i am fighting writing a fair bit. It's actually 8am, and my world feels turned upside down. This will take some explaining so maybe best just go back to the beginning.
As i briefly alluded to at the conclusion of last week, on Saturday night we went to sleep in scissors, but not connected. We had a good nights sleep. I got up at 4 to write and read as usual, and then about 7 rejoin her in bed. We reviewed some, and we talk about what 'feeling ready' might look like for her. All i can remember is that Dianne says there's a difference from feeling ready and feeling aroused. And that too much arousal isn't what you want. And that lube is often needed until you become more experienced. And about breathing.
We snuggle in a variety of side facing positions that she seems to just invent on the spot. Our groins close. This time with the covers over us, we are both slowly turning on. After a while she takes me in hand and inserts it just a little way. She seems confident and doesn't use any lube. I hold there for some time, not moving a muscle. Then she starts to pull me in by increments. Once about 90% in we stop and try to get comfortable in the semi side position we were in, I'm putting quite a bit of weight on her right thigh. I'm not relaxing as a result, but she says its ok to relax my weight.
The whole time our eyes are glued, and there's a qualitative difference from last night. We both seem more relaxed and thought free. I'm still not comfortable though and go to more of an on top supporting my weight with my arms position, so i can stay far away enough to be able to keep looking at her. (I'm starting to lose some near sightedness in my old age especially in low light so this is important).
This morning we aren't talking as much but we agree to try the breathing again, again completely still. I'm aware of feeling something, especially at the end of the in breath and out breath, as i hold it there. Something i can only describe as a sense of well being, if i had to locate it, probably in my chest. However now my arms start to get sore, and the thinking about breathing has reduced my erection. So i make a move to scissors, although i can tell she wasn't ready to move, maybe just starting to get in touch with feelings of her own.
After a little chit chat about these events i eventually get settled beside her, with a pillow for my head, we are still connected even though getting floppier by the minute, but I'm at last comfortable. I have one hand on her breast. She says now i feel far away. Talk then again ceases and we share this incredible sense of relaxation, which seeps into us. The pair of us lay there for ages just gazing into each other's eyes, experiencing it as just so much magic, and something completely and utterly foreign. Still no movement I'm just holding my crotch as close as i can to hers to stop it from slipping out and no more.
After a while her eyelids get droopy, and oddly, so do mine, and the next thing you know, like someone cast a spell on us both, we are sound asleep. Connected but asleep. Now this is really quite unbelievable, but it seems to me like maybe our bodies needed to do some work on their own, without the hindrance of our minds.
Even more unbelievable, we wake up two hours later in exactly the same position, still very much connected. What would be the odds of that. Normally when floppy all it takes is the smallest movement to plop me out, and that's while conscious. But that we remain connected during two hours of sleep is just mind bogglingly incomprehendable, the odds of it off the chart.
And that we awake just as simultaneously as our lights had gone out, both awaking with a strange sense of having lived through something, but not sure what. Like wow, what was that? Surely we aren't still connected? Where did we go? As our conscious minds come back on line, she moves ever so slightly, and the movement instantly starts to make my penis grow. We both sit and watch the feeling of me slowly growing inside her, its something neither of us has experienced before and its fascinating, riveting but also odd feeling.
But we are both stiff from having lain in that one position for so long, and need to move, so she rolls onto her side and i sit up kneeling at her bottom. I guess like position 4, page 137 THOTS. It's not a position that we've used before, and it just happened. I'm really hard, and we just sit there for ages, not moving, not doing anything, just stillness, and experiencing the connection for its own sake. However as she's got some lower back pain and the start of PMS cramps, we agree to call it good. I start to go floppy and slowly pull out at the same time, over about a two minute period. There's a slight bit of blood on the very tip of my penis and so her period begins.
We share another bath, (cleanest I've ever been), and talk a little about it, but its all too ungraspable, i think we still have no idea of the significance of what occurred. I cant speak for her, but i don't think traumatised is too strong a word to describe my own experience. On one hand i feel exceedingly satisfied sexually all day, there's none of the usual fidgety thoughts of late, pondering on my genitals, constantly adjusting them as i sit, none of that at all. But as the day goes by, each doing their own tasks (she's now into pre-trip rush mode) I'm left with this sense of unease that i cant quite put my finger on. Trauma is what it feels like, intimacy trauma. That i should feel this, and if I'm reading this right, it serves only to confirm my theory surrounding my much camouflaged but real fear of intimacy. The morning's intercourse was certainly the most intimate thing i have ever experienced in my life. So really its, wow, but gosh.
Come cuddle time, she doesn't even mention the tv, even though its tv night. She turns on the couch to face me, and is positively aglow. I on the other hand am now the reluctant one, i can't figure it out, and having to work really hard to stay with her. After a while talking about i don't know what, it is me who is reaching for the tv. I cant believe this but i just want to crawl back under my rock.
We awake at 2pm, she's getting up to take more drugs for the cramps. I lay there awake until the alarm goes off, just feeling this angst over and around, but not getting a grip of it. I can't move, and stay in bed while she gets herself off to work. I still cant get up, and its more like 7.30 before i finally crawl out from under my rock. I have an erection in bed, its no morning erection it comes from reliving or trying to think about, to remember the PVI session, to try to reclaim the lost bits somehow, to get some sense from it, maybe to try to understand it. All a bit futile.
When up, I'm jumpy and all the signs of imbalance are there, its no where near breakfast hour but I'm reaching for food. The dishes sit there, glaring at me, the firewood unreplenished, and the journal not even opened. My one overarching constant throughout this reboot, this account, passed over for the first time. Even on my day from hell, black friday last, i attended to my writing. Something very serious is afoot here, and i long to talk to her about it.
Day 43 PM0:0,8,1, Post O Me/her:41 days/43 days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days Menstrual day 2.
After writing yesterday i had the good sense to pick up THOTS and open it at a random place, getting the first page of the relaxation chapter. After reading the chapter, it's a miracle but there it is written in black and white. Paraphrasing: When lovers first embark on this way of loving they often feel unexplainably tired, sleepy and a desire to collapse. It's a sign that old tensions are being released.
Well that explains a lot, and i become more accepting of how i feel, and grateful that i am able to get on with my day.
When she gets home, i tell her that I'm so glad to see her, and we are both beaming ear to ear. At cuddle time, I'm still slightly reticent, but after telling her about my day i again feel whole and present, and can meet her eye without fear. We leave the tv off, and cuddle without talking for ages. I'm holding her this time, both sitting fairly upright. We are both naked under a cover on the couch. At first i cant feel her, nor feel any closeness from the skin contact. But just as quick as before we are both asleep. So much sleeping it's getting to be ridiculous.
When we reawaken the closeness has rematerialized, I'm buzzing with aliveness and i can smell her again. We just sit there in further silence for maybe another hour, dozing on and off, but im aware of her the whole time, aware that she's precious and that I'm holding her, supporting her. Any body discomfort somehow just dissolves, somehow anaesthetised by love, and we remain in the exact same position the whole time, some hours in total. Near the end i lightly caress her chest and shoulders, and she says it is soothing.
Then off to bed, where we are now wide-awake. We lay in scissors with her knickers on, and both comment how nice, how comfortable it is as a way to go to sleep. But her cramps are still bad, and she's twitching and shifting positions. Eventually pushing me away to get some space. I go to sleep muddled, and dream odd dreams. I've sprouted three penises as a way to get more sex, but as they have each identical serial numbers, she can tell that I'm still only entitled to one portion of sex.
Then on awaking She and i are travelling, and i have to go to one town, she has to go the other way, and should be on another bus, but she's still following me, wants to stay with me, wont let go. I eventually get on my tiny bus which is absolutely packed with people in a state of semi undress all intermingled on the floor, which seems weird to me.
I'm all a bit discombobulated this morning after awaking at midnight, laying awake for hours then drifting off to sleep near dawn. I feel like I've lost several hours of my day. But pick up my rhythm and soldier on.
Day 44 PM0:0,8,1, Post O Me/her:42 days/44 days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
The house is cold and deathly quiet, and my sense of aloneness at its worst. But lets back up til yesterday morning.
I work in the morning while she packs. She's going to see family overseas for four weeks. The timing of this to my mind could not have been more unfortuitous. Of this we are both painfully aware. Of course, she is trying on 50 outfits, and at one point i comment that two hours ago she's fussing around with her breasts out, and now she's still fussing around with her breasts out. Maybe they just want to see some air. We drive to the airport in more or less silence, it's a nice day and i concentrate on the journey, but I'm sombre as well.
We are sitting in the airport cafe with people swirling all around, and I'm facing her directly holding both hands and want to connect with her one last time. She says she still has some PDA stigma, but I'm 'having bared my soul to the whole world, I'm way past caring what other people think'. We laugh and compromise.
Then at the departure gate, that all melts away and we really powerfully connect, both near tears. Her trip will not be easy for her and i remind her to love herself and breath.
On returning home the fire has gone out, and as a metaphor that feels apt. I relight it, then prepare a meal. I'm just sitting there morning her loss. Give my balls a good scratch, and then hastily reach for the tv. As i feel really really tired i go to bed early.
I awake in a distraught state at 7am having had a nightmare: We are in a gymnasium with two rows of hay bales on either side and undergoing some sort of military shooting exercise with shotguns and .22 cal rifles. I am shooting at past friends and lovers, and it pains me to do so. The scope sometimes goes hazy and the weopon misfires often. After, i try to find a couple of missing participants worried that they are hurt. I find one with slugs in her neck and her two kids are missing having run off in terror. We look all over for them
I shower, and ponder how i can get some more social contact in my life.
Day 45 PM0:0,8,1, Post O Me/her:43 days/45 days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days
Yesterday i remain unsettled and don't get much work done all day. I spend a lot of time on reuniting, a bit aimlessly. I feel for the first time like I've been cleaved in two. These trips away are annual events and in the past, to be honest, ive been glad to see her go. That's the only way our relationship has survived as long as it has, she's hardly ever around. When she was away the tension went away.
Now this time i feel incomplete, and incredibly lonely. I know i will have to reach out to other people, but don't know how. After a lifetime of solitary-ness, it is not going to be easy. I send some enquiries to some clubs. My teenage son is coming to visit soon, that will help, or not, but it all makes me realise how the characters in last nights latest dream are the only people in my life.
I am with my mother, my gf and my son. We are walking a rough path across a gorge that ive crossed many times before. Now there are major earthworks and someone is building a dam. I lead us off the old path towards the dam hoping to instead cross the gorge on the dam wall. To get there we have to climb a steep vertical ladder. I worry if we can all make it, but we do, but upon reaching the top realise the unfinished spillway will prevent us crossing and we will have to go all the way back around.
I'm sticking to my new habits, dancing, walking, eating well, writing and having a really easy time staying off MO [Ed: Uh huh]. That's the easy part, its pretty lifeless at the moment, not quite jellyfish but not far off. But the biggest change since she left is that i don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I awake at the same time around 4.30, but it was near 6 when i finally got up. I just lay there mulling my dreams over and over.
My dreams have become chaotic and colorful. Those dreams you get when you pay attention to your dreams. The more you dream the more you dream. They are starting to upset me. I don't like them. I just wish i had some friends.
She phones in the evening still in transit after 30 hours. The line keeps cutting out, and i love you becomes only ...you. It makes me feel further apart then ever.
Day 46 PM0:0,8,1, Post O Me/her:44 days/46 days, POST PVI/Other: 4 days/4 days
Yesterday I worked all day, right through until 9.30pm, in an attempt to catch up on having fallen behind. Besides all I'd do is turn the tv on, as i had done the previous 2 evenings. I did stop for some soup from the freezer, and i noticed it had quite a bit of starch in it. I seem to be eating less and less starch lately.
I finally put work away, take a short bath, ostensibly as a tv substitute, and was ready to head to bed, when i felt a bit bored and had this sense of low key curiosity to see if i actually could get erect, not having seen it so for so long. It's been so disinterested during reboot, that i can stare at it all i want and nothing will make it arouse. So it all started from that sense of curiosity. Turns out it was just another clever but more subtle neurochemical angle. Shoulda known.
With much provocation it finally did get erect, and a little self massage turned to a little more, and while i put it away and went to bed, that wasn't to be the end of it. Interesting to note is that the sensation was very different, almost not really pleasant, i guess I'm more sensitive after 45 days.
Anyway i guess i encouraged it because i awoke in the morning with an erection that just wouldn't go away, and next thing I'm masturbating vigorously and some semen leaks out. At that point I'm, right, this has got to stop and i get up. But all the familiar circumstances are there, I'm here by myself, lonely, bored with my life. And sleeping in late. So third time lucky finish it off.
Now I'm left feeling like a fallen angel, brought back down to earth, human just like all the other guys that stumble on the path. Whether its related or not, its been exactly four days since sexual contact with my beloved. That twice inauspicious number. Now for the hangover i guess?
[Ed. On thursday when i wrote about the gorge dream, i didn't note one segment of it, at the time i couldn't see the relevance of it. A bunch of guys were repelling down a stupendous waterfall above the gorge. One guy however somehow fell and tumbles dramatically all the way to the bottom of the waterfall. That might have been about other guys' relapses, or foresight of my own.]
Well there is some good news amongst all this. After more attempts to prod some acquaintances, and even on open invitation to my networks, has produced two leads for company on the weekend.
Day 47 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:0 days/46 days, POST PVI/Other: 5 days/5 days
I feel like I'm back on track. My head seemed clear all day, and I'm getting lots of work done which is good because my deadline is looming fast now. I'm eating well, and getting the raw percentage up. They say that if you don't eat at least 50% of your food raw, your body considers your food to be an invader and triggers an immune response. But over the years I've noticed its surprisingly hard to achieve. My diet lately consists of a late morning breakfast of some combination of cooked chicken, eggs, and or mushrooms topped with greens and avocado or cream cheese. Lunch consists of an all raw smoothy of whatever combination of fruit, vegetable juice, egg, flaxoil, seaweed, nuts, milk, yoghurt, etc that strikes my fancy. I always try to get some blueberries or blackcurrants or other berries into it. I'm also trying to get the courage up to try some raw liver in there, you have to freeze it first. We are lucky enough to have a source of raw dairy products, but its fast becoming illegal around here. Dinner is early and is usually cooked vegetables and beef/fish, or salad and pasta. If there's to be any snacking i limit it to fruit or raw vegetables or cheese, but i try to avoid it.
Ok I have a new rule. No touching. Fullstop. I thought i was mature enough not to need it but its clear enough where that went.
Lots to do gota go.
Day 48 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:1 days/47days, POST PVI/Other: 6 days/6 days
Sunday 1 July
Well what can i say, its like 8.30, and have indulged a big lay in bed this morning. Yesterday was a very full day. I'm aching all over from the days hike. And after that, several hours drive to fetch my son from the airport.
And as i was rushing around preparing for the hike, it wasn't exactly going smoothly. I couldn't seem to find anything, and finally when it was time to leave, for some inexplicable reason, the car would not start. It has never done that, never. I feel myself start to get flustered about being late. Normally this would not be something i cared much about, but I've arranged to go hiking today with a new acquaintance. It's exciting and nervous at the same time. Damn i forgot to get his mobile number and cant even phone him to say im going to be late. After finally getting going, i arrive 15 minutes late.
As far as being a social animal, it's clear that i have forgotten much. He's ok about it and we get on with our hike, which turns out to be a major work out, and we talk most of the way about the much we appear to have in common. That tentative getting to know someone stage.
Home, airport, dinner out, catching up with the lad, and to bed quite late, completes the day.
It was rather an exhausting day, but i do feel that i have lived a little, and am happy to be making some progress.
Day 49 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:2 days/48days, POST PVI/Other: 7 days/7 days