Feeling humiliated in the eyes of his wife, he is in search of a psychologist who will place the entire blame for their lack of sexual satisfaction on her frigidity. Usually a man of this sort does not even know what he is missing. With the pleasure of his ejaculation he reaches his desired goal, forfeiting that part of the sex experience which produces the greatest rapture and happiness... An emotionally immature man will only increase his wife's frigidity with every sex union. (Von Urban 1949:15-16)
Week 8 is kind of a new start, and i'm using the time to read and learn, hopefully becoming a more emotionally mature man in the process. Hence the theme for week 8 is Education. Not much else to do i suppose.
I appear not to have written yesterday. I did have an interesting sexual dream that night and i remembered it all day, but now it’s gone. My mood was steady, and i feel really neutral about the whole MO incident, just moving on. My penis is back to disinterested, but conversely it has normal body. But in my minds eye its still more like it isn’t really there at all. I’m watching out for a resurgence this week though, as i don’t want to be surprised again.
I sent my love a brief encouraging email. Otherwise worked, or tried to with the lad around after sleeping off an intense week or two at school. As far as PMO goes I am not 100% sure but I’d say he’s at risk. He stays awake much of the night at his computer, and sleeps much of the day, which many will say is typical of teenagers today, but is typical, normal? I have no idea whether or how to broach what I’ve learned recently with him, and this will be something i ponder for the next two weeks with him. In any event i shoo him to bed at 10, and will gently cajole him into some outdoor work with me. His school has a particular belief that kids should be kept away from sex until they are emotionally mature enough, and away from as much media as possible as long as possible. Of course the latter is a failing battle, but he does seem pretty innocent to me, much like myself at that age.
This morning its 5am and I’m still fighting arising, although still waking at my usual 4am. The dream this morning: I have two brains each one rebirthing every two weeks. The first one empties out and the back of the skull pares open. The second one forms a new brain core and replaces the other. Its something i have to maintain
After soaking that in for a while, I’m left with a sense of anger. It’s directed at two sources. One at wikipedia for censoring the CPA/YBOP material so thoroughly. Has the peoples encyclopedia become just another voice of the status quo? I never realised it had got that bad. Second i carry anger towards my father for failing to teach me what now feels like a pivotal life skill.
Try googling +wikipedia +"Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" or +wikipedia +"Your Brain on Porn". Zip. There's oblique references to a controversy on Pornography_addiction, but on Pornography, Masturbation and Orgasm, nothing. They are all just 'healthy things'. Karezza doesn’t even have its own page. And having just looked it up if you truly want something to spew about try this for size: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coitus_reservatus#Controversy.
My father was Mr Hedonist himself. Pornography was left laying about the house, sex toys displayed in prominent places. His sex education to me amounted to 2 separate incidents that i recall. One, at age 14 he offered to show me a porn video. I declined, anxious as all hell about it. Later in my mid twenties when i was (futily) trying to get to know him, the best he could offer was that the pill was mankind’s one true saviour.
Other than the above the only sex education that i had was a film evening at school when i was about 11 or 12. I wasn’t ready for it and it just went right over my head. As I’ve often regretted or resented this lack of training, it is of course a concern to me that i have in turn propagated this same taboo onto my own son. In most respects i have tried, as one does, to not repeat the other parenting wrongs i suffered under, but not this. As the saying goes if you want to teach someone, first teach yourself.
Day 51 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:4 days/50days, POST PVI/Other: 9 days/9 days
I’ve started setting the alarm for 5am as I’m now protective of the time I’ve made for myself in the morning. I’m always awake before it goes off anyway, its just to stop me wallowing the time away in bed. This mornings dream: I’m invited to a party by some urban sophisticate and everyone’s dressed up and i know only the host. I feel out of place. However after people chill out, and take off their fancy jackets they are wearing the same casual gear that i am. One women comes up to me and says that she hears that I’ve been having lots of baths. I know this means she knows about my reboot, but I’m ok about it. Later I’m naked and talking to some people and another women comes up close to me, and lays a hand on my crotch in support of my struggle. I think she is one of my sisters.
Yesterday i was feeling lonely much of the day. My mind dwells on what you might call political aspects of this journey. After writing yesterday I search through the first 20 results pages on google for the term karezza. The number one hit is health-science-spirit.com/karezza.htm (Page Rank 2), the token wikipedia article is at number two en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coitus_reservatus (PR 4), and after a couple of other misc pages the first of many reuniting pages start at place 6 at PR 4.
I guess that the number one spot was based on keyword density for that particular page. But actually if you look at it:
- reuniting.info/: karezza, 120 instances, 10.38% density, of 166 usuable words
- health-science-spirit.com/karezza.htm: karezza, 49 instances, 3.25% density, of 292 usuable words
So there’s a possible keyword stuffing penalty, and it would be worth reducing the karezza density to 7% for a while to see if that helps. It’s also likely that there is a xxx penalty. Its going to be hard, but removing terms like porn from the home page at least and increasing the weight of disambiguating terms in the content to around 3%, eg loving, healing and relationships. Lastly it might be worth writing to the owner of karezza.info to see whether they might be willing to cooperate on use of that domain. But regardless seeing as reuniting has PR4, it should have, and can easily get, the number one spot.
As for wikipedia, i think that the wikipedia article needs to be split from Coitus_reservatus, and ive placed a request to do so on the talk page, and added a reference to CPA on the reservatus page. We will see where these initial small edits go. As for those key pages, P+M+O, jees, how to break into those? No idea. One way would be not to try. Just load a couple of brand new pages with keywords that attracts search engines directly. Eg http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PMO. That way, remaining factual, NPOV and cited, is achieved by just describing the contemporary phenomenon of rebooting. There is after all plenty of evidence of the activity itself. No one can argue with that. The name of the book is another candidate, it and what it contains are also facts, that’s how the thousands of pages about modern social phenomena such as music bands are there.
And out of curiosity i do a search under karezza and my country, that yields no results at all. I pester the moderator at /r/karezza about how tiny a community we are, or at least appear to be. Cultural Creatives (Ray and Anderson, 2000), talks about how culture changes. How what we see around us is usually a reflection of the old dominant culture, and that new and gestating cultures tend to long remain off the radar, even after a new culture starts to eclipse an older one. This is a consequence of people not talking to each other, each thinking that they are just different. As a result they remain isolated.
Karezza suffers a double whammy from this, dealing as it does with a taboo and controversial subject. I will ponder this more in the days ahead no doubt.
In the afternoon, the lad and i go and do some vigorous outdoor work. Neither body is much used to it, but it’s a gorgeous day and it is satisfying. We talk about school, beyond school, motivation and indecisiveness. I long to talk to real people about this whole rebooting journey and it’s really frustrating not being able to do so.
Day 52 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:5 days/51days, POST PVI/Other: 10 days/10 days
I spent yesterday morning reading the first third of Von Urban’s book Sex Perfection. It seems i am channelling my time into more research. As a beginner, the thought of getting something written for wikipedia feels a bit daunting, but i write some outlines and will try. Von Urban says that karezza means renunciation, i have no idea where he got that idea, he doesn’t say. From the dictionary the italian 'to caress' is spelled carezza. I don’t think anyone would define the key meaning of karezza as that. Oxford dictionary defines karezza as to forgoe orgasm. I guess theres a struggle there for the essential meaning, and of course Robinson defines it as the combination of non-orgasm and extensive touch. And paying care and attention to the union etc etc.
Von Urban makes a great deal of the energy between lovers that builds up and is released only when love making is sufficiently long. He also has, for his time, some fairly astute thoughts about childhood sexual development. And how much sexual tension, frigidity, and impotence has its roots in prior sexual trauma. And there’s that bogey again, he confesses to hesitating to write the book for over 30 years, because he feared censure from the scientific community. Little has changed there.
Von Urban does credit karezza, Stockman et al, but very much has his own theory about it, being more open to orgasm. He states that karezza requires an iron will that few men possess. Von Urban’s message appears to be that duration is the key, close contact prior, during, and after intercourse. He cites numerous cases from his practise as a psychiatrist where nervous people, those committed to institutions, and those referred by the divorce courts, found peace by heeding his advice on sexual practice.
This particular paragraph sets me to tears, a great many tears: 'The instructions you gave us transformed our marriage; they made heaven out of hell...if our next [child]... is a boy, he will be honoured to have your name' (page 161). A veritable flood.
Among his other suggestions are to not have intercourse too frequently to allow the energy to build, to avoid lubricants, instead waiting for natural lubrication, and to avoid getting overly excited with passionate kissing etc if the union can not be consummated. Coitus interruptus as harmful. Avoid talking. Avoid condoms. Avoid the clitoris. Scissors, and the importance of physical comfort.
As the day went on i could feel distinct sexual stirrings. Then the thought wouldn’t it be nice to M. Just noticing it. Then in the night vague sex dreams that i can’t recall, then awaking very much erect, very much wanting to. The compulsion is really strong, but conversely it’s a simple as just noticing it, just like in meditation. Then it’s gone just as quick as it came. Helpfully just then the alarm goes off as well. Some say that the 7 day mark is a risky time for relapse. Maybe.
I’ve felt quite resolved about the slip up, seeing it instead as helpful to have the chance to see the pre O and post O side by side, vis a vis, as it were. While she hasn’t been here to snap at, lust after or whatever, i have noticed two things. First is that my genitals feel more normal in body, shape and color, but that libido is still overall relatively low. Second I’ve experienced an increased sense of lethargy this week, cant seem to get enough hours in the day. Work not that productive etc. Unfortunately there are still too many other factors to assign either correlation or causality. But the brain fog feels familiar.
Day 54 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:7 days/53days, POST PVI/Other: 12 days/12 days
Yesterday was a continuation of enhanced tiredness, long hours, and lots of yawning. Also a growing discomfort in my balls, again! Am i to go through all that again now? I awake at 2am having had a vague dream about rebooting and having to reorganise my life, then struggle again with appealing images of a warm pool of semen on my chest. I have to literally move my body to shake it. Then I must have fallen back to sleep, and reawaken suddenly at 5 from another more frightening dream: Im reclined against a wall of some kind, the inside of a car maybe. There are one or maybe two males on the opposite side, and one of them is pushing my balls roughly with his foot, from underneath my bent knees, in a way that hurts and I’m trying desperately to get away from it but cant. I feel trapped.
Now that i think of it I’ve had this dream before, and its probably more about blue balls than anything else, but who knows. I don’t recall when the dream previously occurred or even how long ago. Von Urban’s patient notes are fresh in my mind and one hates to jump to conclusions, but it could be a repressed memory of some kind.
I wonder whether my whole reboot cycle is restarting all over, and progress will replay as before, or whether a modified version of it is now in motion. I did find myself dancing a little yesterday, and my outbreak of crying is interesting also. The sense i got from it was that Von Urban was someone who understood me, the relief of that and also a sense of grief about not having had a healthy introduction to my sexuality as a young person. Von Urban felt in that moment as my saviour. Wanting salvation is something of a theme in my life, i tend to have a very cynical outlook on life, and any measure of relief from the feeling that life is an eternal struggle is comforting. I suppose that struggle is a part of life, but not morbidly so. I doubt it.
Day 55 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:8 days/54days, POST PVI/Other: 13 days/13 days
And so it starts again, the frequent urination, foggy head in the morning, thirst, sore feet. What’s with the sore feet? Also a frequent desire to stretch. Rising early again. Numerous times yesterday i fought off really strong urges to touch my penis. It was a close call every time. Some quite strong erections morning and night. Both times, without touching, i experiment with variations on breathing and notice that if i focus on my sense of pleasure, squeezing the muscles etc, the tension grows, but if i focus on sending her my love, even to the far side of the planet as she may be, the tension dissolves. Quite a dramatic difference.
In a way i feel grateful for this opportunity to study the reboot cycle again, under calmer circumstances. For one, this time there’s no accommodation of my arousal, no self massages or PVI. The blue balls is building earlier than last time, but not as bad. Yesterday it was quite distracting, but not at the previous day 10 level. With the yawning, its definitely a morning thing, as the day went on i felt more and more energised, and worked through til about 8pm with an alert mind the entire afternoon. That follows the same pattern as last time as well. Got the lad to make dinner. Ha.
So there are distinct patterns forming, and the fact that on two consecutive occasions, the experience is so far consistent, repeatable. How and by who does all this otherwise anecdotal experimentation, being carried out in informal and uncontrolled environments everywhere, need to be monitored and recorded before what we are doing will be recognised?
I finished Von Urban this morning. The second half of the book contained more case notes, some theories about love, marriage, impotence and about birth control (rhythm and thermo). I re-skim the first few chapters to note the key points.
Must focus on work today, sunday or no sunday.
Day 56 PM0:0,10,2, Post O Me/her:9 days/55days, POST PVI/Other: 14 days/14 days