A deep habit may develop wherein no matter how strong you are in the business world, you become pussywhipped in your relationship. Your woman gets sharp and masculine, you become falsely receptive and agreeable, and meanwhile both of you feel like vomiting...
You are entirely responsible for cutting through your own laziness, addictions, and unclarity. There is nothing to wait for and nobody to blame. Whatever techniques are appropriate, use them. Try talking with your friends, using therapy, practicing meditation or prayer, going on a vision quest, reading scripture, walking in nature, keeping a journal, or studying with a teacher. Remember that your success with any method you choose depends entirely on your actual commitment to discovering your deepest truth and aligning your life with it.
You could meditate until you're blue in the face, but it won't work, if, when it comes down to it, you'd rather masturbate, read the newspaper, or watch TV than cut through your addictions, discipline your daily life, and give your gift from your deepest, most blissful source. (Deida,D 1997:115)
This post contains three weeks, owing to having been away. The theme however is Solidity, and that’s because things really feel like they are jelling into place for myself, my beloved and our relationship.
Something is nagging me from the previous week. It’s the realisation that my partner has the same profession as my mother, and that my mother worked from when i was little. This stemmed from a random comment she made about coming home from work and just needing some time out, but instead having small needy kids to attend to.
It instils in me a little thought saying that my mother holds the key to my rejection issue. So i decide now's a good a time as any to ask my mother if she can shed any light on it. I don’t know why i never thought to ask the obvious source of information on the subject. I’ve alway had a wariness of my mother.
Anyway i buck up the courage and put the question to her. She doesn’t really hesitate and replies that the obvious thing would be the way i was weaned. She goes on to describe how at the age of three months, she tried to put me on the bottle, cold turkey. It didn’t go so well and i ended up being taken to a relative’s house for the day, to cry myself out, until i relented and took to the bottle. This was the first time that id been apart from mother. The reason for all this, she said, was that as a product of her own childhood she found breastfeeding invasive.
My birth and early parenting was typical of the sixties, and not exactly what you would call well-being enhancing. In point of fact, this all sounds like disaster zone parenting, speaking as one who did the whole home birth/continuum-concept/family-bed/2-year-breast-feeding thing with my own children.
Anyway I’m listening intently, and feeling actually pretty uncomfortable, but tell her I’m glad she told me, try to comfort her as she’s upset about it.
I need to move my body to process all this, and go for a walk. The sun is miraculously shining after several gloomy days. I’m a bit of a stunned fish, the conversation was much harder than i was expecting. Guess ill need time to process it. And there’s no doubt more to the story. I resolve to start some regular phone calls home.
In the morning i meditate, write, do morning chores. Even though its sunday she s been asked to go into work. She’s up organising her day, when the inevitable phone call comes. Her mother is deteriorating rapidly. Looks like we'll be travelling 10,000 miles around the world this week. I arrange travel documents as best i can, but feel a bit useless. After she leaves i get to my qigong finally.
Day 127 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:14 days/43days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days
We squeeze in a short date last night in lieu of likely travel disruptions. Its more a connect and sleep comfort sort of thing.
She’s off work and after several more calls home its decided we are going. However she's semi numb and trying to do everything herself, and operating inefficiently to say the least. Reasoning that she has to go through this, i leave her to it, but from time to time try to inject some clarity when she hasn’t thought things through properly, but if she keeps this up ill just be a passenger, when the point of me coming was to support her. She’s used to struggling alone. I go back to clearing my work desk which is challenging enough as it turns out, all but one client is giving me space.
After amazing support from the airline, we have flights for tuesday. We talk briefly about how she’s struggling alone. And that i find myself wanting to rescue her. This is useful to realise.
Day 128 PM0:4,23,10, Post O Me/her:15 days/44days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days
Saturday 6 Oct
The last day of pre trip rushing around she maintains this im capable of taking care of myself thing. At one point i become aware that my rescuing is about me. ie im behaving as if: what i can i do so that she will stop ignoring me. Realising this helps because i can let her be a bit more, and concentrate on finding ways to support her unconditionally. And relax.
After a whole bunch of travel we arrive in her mothers hometown, moments after her mother passed away.
The relatives that we stayed with are nice enough people, but one has a drinking problem and the other is somewhat of a nervous wreck. I never once saw either of them touch each other, not once, and it’s a challenging environment. But i am determined to maintain (and model) good bonding behavior, and keep up this alternating thing where i hug, pat and kiss her as much as i want regardless of whose looking, then hang back and just being solid on my own. She amazingly doesn't resist the PDA at all. At one point i joke to the family that i gave up my seat to an elderly person as an excuse to go give my beloved some touch therapy. They laughed.
After the funeral we spent several days sorting through her mother's things, then manage to get a couple of days away on our own in lieu of the tropical isle trip that has had to be traded in. It’s a historic beach town with a festival spirit, and great snorkelling. This is quite rejuvenating for both of us. Her period started, about 10 days late, but being quite light only meant a three day gap in the schedule. She seemed to relish our karezza dates, even through her grieving. She also let go of the i can do this myself, pretty much as soon as we boarded the plane.
I managed to read Superior Man over the course of the trip. The brisk model that it holds up is a little unnerving, and while one doesn’t take these things too seriously, it does feel like a goal post of sorts for me.
One night i had a bad dream. My son is on a boat somewhere out there thats sinking, and i am trying to send him something to help him stay alive. But dont know where he is. That particular day i had briefly lost balance. We arrived back from our break, to find our hosts more uptight than usual. Our presence there is triggering something or another about the quality of their relationship, their isolation, who knows, something, they don’t say.
Anyway as we had driven 5 hours our hosts gave us the sunday morning to sleep in. The day before I had reminded my beloved about our date, which was the first proper date after her period, and uncharacteristically she seemed like she had forgotten about it. Then she sleeps in, and I’m laying in bed waiting for her to wake up, knowing that we have a breakfast commitment at 10am. It’s well after 8 by the time we connect and by 9 she’s getting antsy about getting up. This annoyed me, this was the one decent date that we could’ve had this week. We had been given a gift of a morning’s privacy and she neglected to value it.
Instead we arise to more host household politics and unspoken tension. As well as being made to feel like we were late for breakfast, I was trying to arrange to take them all out for dinner to repay their hospitality but they are fighting even that. During the morning i start to sulk, and my beloved and i eventually get a chance to talk some about it. Now she’s having to nurse-maid me, extra hand holding and encouragement, which i reason could have been avoided if she had just attended to our date properly.
Anyway the dinner out eventually comes together. The restaurant is busy and after ten minutes with no waitress materialising our hosts get more and more uptight, and look seriously like they are going to pop. For retired folk they really are highly strung. That they finally let me actually pay the bill, after numerous previous failed attempts, was a miracle.
But over that period a couple of MO's was kind of a product of that loss of balance. So concluding a run of 21 days without orgasm.
Although we didn’t have the privacy to really give it the quality of time and attention, and given that she was justifiably quite distracted, we did manage to maintain the schedule throughout, even if i did have to defend it a bit at times, and shift the days about to suit travel.
On other fronts, it was interesting to me how regrettably readily i let go of my qigong practice. It slipped away along with writing and all the other components of my morning routine, after the first two long days of travel, and feeling self conscious about doing it in less than private conditions. However i did some stealth qigoing while waiting in the inevitable airplane restroom queues at night. Also i found comfort numerous times in returning to my breath in times of distress. This seemed to be especially helpful with motion sickness.
But through everything the main sense i had of my state during the trip was surprisingly of stability and peace. I’m proud of that, and really glad that i went with her.
On the way home we have an overnight lay-over in one of the worlds nicer cities, and laying in the hotel room that morning she relates how happy she is with my strength and support, and how she gradually came to rely on me. It’s a magic moment, everything i could have hoped for, months of work paying off. We are both in tears.
Now finally home, this morning we awake early, and she suggests an early morning date in lieu of the thursday missed on the plane home. This turns out to be a lovely long session, with lots of pillow talk and reminiscing, and about 6 or 8 of our favorite positions, lol. Even more funny is that we finally got up to the THOTS chapter on positions, just a few days ago. As well as the trip we also review the last 20 weeks on our karezza journey and we are unanimous at the miracle that has quietly but steadily sneaked into our lives and relationship. But there remains a sense of semi-disbelief that something so simple could be so effective.
Considering her mothers death and everything we’ve been through getting here, she has been remarkably non-stressed. In fact i often observed her and more often than not she seemed completely free of her usual worried look. Her facial muscles have changed somehow, i would say softened.
Day 146 PM0:4,26,13, Post O Me/her:6 days/62days, POST PVI/Other: 0 days
Sixty five thousand words later i feel like the story of our transition into karezza is about told. I’ll probably keep writing daily for my own purposes, but it will probably just get repetitive:) Martial bliss, lol. I will ponder the idea of making shorter occasional updates. I will also try to get her to put something in writing about her experience of all this.
Lately weve also been talking about the M word. Marriage. I feel that my work is now to transition more fully from being that abandoned little boy into becoming more fully a man. There’s real work ahead, a house to build, serious money to be earned to help pay for it all, friends to be made, and staying solid for my beloved and for my own sanity in a world that’s going through some serious serious growing pains.