You have to learn to love before you can learn to live.
-- Harry Harlow, (paraphrased).
The 7 weeks since my last posting have been a fairly chaotic time. For a start my beloved resigned her job, and we moved house. We are living in temporarily accommodation, with few creature comforts and lots to do to make the place habitable. Add to that financial pressures and all the usual holiday period family events and travel, all of this has placed considerable pressure on the strength of our usual rhythms, harmony and balance.
All things considered we have held together fairly well, especially compared to our pre-karezza days. During the whole transition period we stuck to our date schedule, in spite of everything. Our dates were often short with her tender inside, or otherwise, and increasingly, with her into orgasm seeking mode. About 50/50. Excitement seems to be some kind of stress response.
She and i respond to stress differently. She retreats and i cling. One of the problems is that we left behind our favourite comfy couch where we would previously out of habit cuddle each evening. Hence with that rhythm lost, she kind of defaulted back to her general touch resistance, and me back to my touch longing. It felt like i was having to work at making sure we stay bonded. She says she doesn't feel like cuddling when she's upset, and i reply that she probably needs it most at such times. At times like that, it feels somewhat like all that we have learned, was actually only learned by me.
She was also away for 2 date nights a week apart and forgot to organise replacement times, which is the deal around here. I started back into some daily PMO for a week or so. My morning rhythm generally suffered. I stopped writing my journal, and stopped doing qigong.
As the external stresses coalesce with the stress of us drifting apart, we reached a point of unhappiness such that something finally snapped. One day a relatively small house decision blew all out of proportion and we argued for days over it. On the third day, when we still badly wanted to blame each other for our woes, it started to occur to me that our problem was probably mostly that we had come debonded. At that point some listening finally started to happen.
Then despite the fact that our previous date had been short and her heart not much in it, i decided to hold her to making up for the last of the missed dates, with an extra date, thinking more of continuity than anything else. It was a saturday, and after juggling a number of weekend commitments, and exhausting all our usual times, we settled on a mid afternoon time, for the first time.
Now she's about 2 days post ovulation which puts her into tender inside territory. If she is tender, which is more common both early in her period, and during and post ovulation (if youre doing the math then, yes that leaves about a week when she is not tender). Im almost at the point where im convinced she has an undiagnosed ovarian cyst or something, but in an attempt to engage her, i adopt some strategies from my last post.
The thing with starting in scissors is that if she is tender, the angle of my penis in this position can cause her discomfort. So i start kneeling between her legs, rubbing her clitoris with the head of my penis. After entering her just a little i continue rubbing her clitoris gently with my thumb. Unusually this is quite comfortable for me and i can, and do, do it for ages.
I have to be careful though because its still a fine line to making her self conscious. She told me just yesterday that she still thinks her vulva is ugly. I solve this by staying in eye contact with her the whole time. She lays there on her back looking quietly relaxed, but still a bit hard to read. The look is unknown to me, its not her tortured look, like she used be in the first few weeks, but not blissful either, somewhere in between, quizzical maybe. Very much a side to her that we've not seen before.
We have a little talk mid way. I ask her how she feels. She says nice, that the clitoral attention is warming her insides up, and removes the tenderness completely. She asked me if i like it when she orgasms. I reply that i like it when she enjoys lovemaking, but not when she orgasms. She is definitely more grumpy in the few days following orgasm.
So after 20mins of this she starts to respond, and despite her reported tenderness, and despite our argument being far from resolved, we slip into a long, medium paced session. She's aroused but relaxed, and seems to have finally got the knack of the pleasant plateau. She's amazed at how good she feels not having orgasmed this time. After 2 hours our feeling toward each other has been totally and radically transformed, back to feelings of love and bondedness.
I guess we still have a way to go, but i feel hopeful that real healing is taking place. I've finally finished Love at Goon Park, and hope to write something about it soon.