[Women who] never had an orgasm, how they want sex more or less frequently than their partner does, how they have no idea how a woman’s apparatus is put together, or how they have no interest in sex at all anymore... The men are not satisfied with the cultural myth that women will never enjoy sex as much as they do. The women are not willing to give in to the idea that sexual desire inevitably wanes with age and familiarity... [They are interested in] the answer that shows women how to sink down and truly feel during sex, to bring the locus of their sexuality back into their own bodies where they can use it to get more turned on than they ever thought possible. That shows them how to use turn-on as an energy source rather than a drain. The answer that shows them how to let go of the expectation that their orgasm should look and sound like this or that. That truly gives them permission to enjoy the journey, rather than pushing them ever sooner to the finale....The answer everyone is looking for is Slow Sex -- Daedone(2011)
Well i had been notionally planning on writing a "1 year on" post, but our Karezza anniversary seems to have slipped quietly by.
The gist of that report was to be something like, after 5 years of a decaying relationship and once a month of in and out sex, now one year into karezza we are very much together. Our regular scheduled dates have been an anchor for the turmoil in much of our outer lives. We have had sex every 2.5 days for 12 months. The only exceptions are if one of us is away or it is the first two heavy bleeding/crampy days of her period. We have used no other form of birth control without incident (however we are 50ish and her fertility is likely declining). I have had 2 orgasms during sex in 12 months, but for the most part have found it easy and enjoyable to stay focused on the sensations. She has varied in her acceptance of the practice but has been using the space that me not being in a rush to get off has created to develop her sexuality.
However i have another reason for writing today. Some very interesting occurrences have taken place in our world.
Firstly, the general progression of our lovemaking has been as per my recent posts. My lass had been continuing with her orgasmic phase. However, odd little things punctuated this for us. First, one time a couple of weeks back i (unusually) just went completely limp mid session. She was just in the process of climbing on top of me and really in a most determined state of mind. I lost my erection most dramatically. This triggered a conversation about how i had been feeling slightly uneasy with her orgasmic phase, how it had been effecting me, making me more restless after our dates, more MO prone. I had in fact started a fortnightly MO habit that i felt again i had little control over.
I had even taken the odd peek at the dreaded P word when especially low. I realised what it was that i especially enjoyed about porn. Porn women love having sex (at least thats how they are portrayed). Something my beloved does not often much appear to do. "The deeper desire [men] have—which many of them aren’t even aware of—is the desire to have sex with a woman who is truly turned on." Daedone(2011). Anyway i told her all this, and something to the effect of "i was celebrating her new found orgasmicness, but was it going to go on too much longer?!".
What interestingly also then occurred was that while going through a fairly challenging period in her life in general, she one day just blurted out to me that she was starting to notice a pattern. I was working at the time, but my ears pricked up. What pattern? i ask. At the time she's rummaging through a cupboard looking for something, and to be honest swearing black and blue that everyone and every thing is conspiring to make her life miserable, that she cant even find the wretched breakfast cereal. She explains that after her last several orgasms she was starting to notice that the following day was low energy, insecure, and low in patience. The second day is much the same.
I tell her, thats interesting, smiling. Anyway, her experiment continues on, her having an O maybe 2 out of 3 sessions. She calls them dates, i guess so we dont need to actually pronounce the word sex. Then, one morning she wakes up in a sweat having had a most pertinent dream. Shes naked amongst all her friends, and very embarrassed, and ashamed.
The day after is a date night, but we happen to be on an overnight hiking trip, and we are camped in a place where we are most unlikely to be disturbed. But she unusually skips our date, (or even cuddle) and as she's aching all over from the unaccustomed exercise, i let it go without comment.
But as the following day unfolds, i become moody and resenting the weight that her carrying around her shame has on our sex life. After doing a silent "im emotional" examination that took a while, i share what's been happening to me. I tell her about anxious insecure attachment, about how my mum was basically there for me, but had random spells of neglecting me. I tell her how i failed to ask her for a cuddle that night, and how thats part of my adult child pattern of not asking for what i need. And asked her why she didnt renegotiate the missed date, as is our agreement.
Her response is interesting, initially defensive as usual, but she talks about the dream and about her belief that shame is imposed. I argue, to the contrary, that shame, as adults anyway, is something we do to ourselves. No one can make us ashamed. To be ashamed is a choice. She talks about other incidents in her life where she was made to feel ashamed of her sexuality.
It was a good talk, it is always good to talk. The air is clear again.
Around that time I had started reading that other Slow Sex book to her. The Daedone book on orgasmic mediation. It was just a hunch really that this book might be useful for my beloved. I had read a few chapters to her prior to the talk above. She was showing little or no resistance to me reading it to her. While doing so it triggered some conversations about events that had helped me substantially get over over my own shame of our 'naked and carnal nature'.
I got the feeling all this was gestating somehow in the lass. Then last night was a scheduled date night. We skip dinner, take a long bath, and get the house clean and really toasty. All the usual preparations. The last few sessions she's been letting me put the oil on her, and enjoying a very soft touch and exploration of her genitals. That might not seem out of the ordinary to most folk, but for her it is. When we connect she is as ready as i have ever seen her this quickly. She's also agreed off her own initiative that shes not going to orgasm this session.
So could this be the start of something big? Well, as the session progresses shes aroused but not aroused, in her words. Exactly. After we go around the positions full circle, and she would normally be about ready to escalate, she voices how the urge is definitely there. I distract her by whispering things in her ear, rubbing her shoulders and lower back. Remind her to breath and relax. Somehow for the first time, she gets passed the urge and we go into this whole other world, date 2.0. There's periods of squirming on both sides, mutually so, and periods of stillness. She's expounding, 'oh my god', 'thats amazing', 'the sensations are wonderful', like she can hardly believe it, clearly discovering something radically new.Welcome to my world. Its called karezza. Our session went on for a couple of hours, and i was finally like 'scissors?' and she's 'no a little more, this is heavenly'.
Shes still buzzing well into the night, keeping us both awake, i eventually give her back a good rub down and we go to sleep. In the morning she's still, 'that was unbelievable'. Its early days yet, and we will see if its reproducible, but this really feels like a major development in our practice.