You know how in the movies, they sometimes do tricks with the camera to sort of focus on an object without making it really bigger?
The other day, I had that kind of feeling, like I was stepping out of a car with all the windows up. Suddenly things seemed clearer. I could hear sounds better. The first scene of the movie "Wanted" starring Angelina Jolie might help to explain this. That was after a very strong bout of wanted to do PMO which thankfully I overcame. I suspect over the coming weeks, this will continue to happen until I get to the 'promised land'
Right now, I'm more relaxed. But still a bit far from my goal of at least 30 days of no PMO. I believe I will go on to 90 days as I am away from my beloved till then.
I read some of the blog entries by others and a common theme runs through, the reason why I believe we need to achieve the internal harmony Marnia and others are 'preaching'. That is control of ones self. Through karezza, Through the rebooting process.
'Modern' mainstream media and entertainment all seem to hypnotizing humanity to 'lose self', 'lose control' and lose identity in the sea of emptiness that is 'all of us' (Does that make sense?). Like "let's all just have wild, ejaculatory sex with each other, drink, party, watch porn etc." :)
Unfortunately, the results of this negative behavior are evident and manifest but apparently not obvious enough for all to see.
From my own experience, I masturbated to porn for years and felt really bad about but I found out I did it again regardless. Apparently, I didn't know any better.
Even when we feel bad about ourselves, or do not have fulfillment in living, very few stay at the place of wanting to find out the truth about themselves and about why they feel that way at all costs - maybe it's all the 'noise' in the media that surrounds us. Like making people focus soo much on celebrities they derive their fulfillment from watching their lives - like in reality tv shows.
I honestly believe now, that masturbation - by definition, the pleasuring of one's self all by yourself is not good for you at all....
I plan to teach my kids that and make them promise to teach their own kids that and...
I feel myself getting back to the center. Like I'm becoming calmer and more aware of my own emotions and what my boundaries are with the rest of the world. The other day I disagreed strongly but not disrespectfully with a colleague at work. The old me would've later gone ahead to make some kind of apology or attempt at making up or explaining why I flared up (but not lose control) despite the fact that the other person was in the wrong.
This would only have given them an excuse to think they were right and really not take in my point. One has to be firm and unafraid of conflict if you're to have peace. A country that firmly and respectfully disagrees with others and is not ready to lay down life to defend its borders is more likely to be respected and prosper than one who's weak and trying to make friends with everybody.
From time to time, I find myself fantasizing about having sex with my beloved but I quickly put those thoughts in check not because I don't want my beloved but because I know it'll just excite me needlessly and may bring on masturbation. I actually did masturbate a week after being away from her out of frustration. The self disgust and disappointment I felt after that is why I''ve gone this number of days after then. For once in my life at least, I'm doing this. right here, right now.
Let me just say that my rebooting process started after several months of learning to go without porn and just sex with my partner, so masturbation was a disappointment in any case.
I was watching the movie 'election' starring reese witherspoon a few days ago and in a scene lasted for about 10 seconds where Matt Broderick's character was watching a porn movie. I felt more disgust than excitement.
I find that focusing on projects here and there (work, hobbies, etc) is helping me to pass through this. It's not nearly half as bad as I was 'scared' it would be. I workout almost every day too.
So, that's all for now. Thanks for reading.