This, Should Have Been Day 25 :(

Submitted by trueloveskiss on
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of my reboot but I ended up masturbating to porn last night. I have that low sinking feeling right now.
I was really looking forward to day 30 at least. But here I am, starting over. F**k the low feeling, I'm focusing on the positive things in my life and why I'm on this journey in the first place.

In the days leading up to this, I noticed I felt particularly fragile emotionally - things just upset me a tad more than usual.
Which wasn't bad as I would try to channel the emotion to positive things and just taking my time.

What happened : I had just gotten off skyping with my girlfriend and she looked so lovely, her voice, everything just turned me on
I caught myself licking my lips a couple of times. I nodded off to sleep but I was so horny I woke up shortly after. I'd been stroking myself while talking to her' - shouldn't have done that. So I grab my phone and download a few porn movies - I wasn't thinking. I don't even remember justifying it. Talk about hard wired neurons. I'm faaaaar from cured! :( But I will get there. There's this shaky feeling inside my head I know as a sign of my unbalanced brain. I'm not stopping till it's gone and I'm in control!

In retrospect, the things I did wrong or should watch out for next time which set me up for failure.
- becoming impatient with being patient. Thinking the whole world is having fun out there and I'm here doing a reboot.
- I came upon the story of the topless pictures of a notable figure leaked last night and I let myself get sucked into wanting to see them. I caught myself saying this was wrong and I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone I know but my guard was lost right then.
- Stroking myself encouragingly. That's fuel-ling the fire. Maybe only when chatting with my girlfriend and even then now, not for the first 30 days at least!

I intend to workout a little every night before going to bed - just so I'm too tired to think of anything else.
I'm also just going to be more mentally alert and get as much information into my head to fuel my resolve.

I've decided not to dwell on the low sinking feeling and get right to meditation and zoning my mind for the task ahead even as I write this.
A good thing I've noticed is my number of no pmo days keeps getting higher. So, next time I'm shooting for 60.
I kept a tally of the days on a sheet on the wall. I'm leaving my failed 24 day attempt up as a reminder.
I'm going to get more active with fighting.

...

Comments

You can do it!!!

Congratulations on making it far.

Yes that is the cycle of our addictive process. But the important thing is that now. you recognize your gollum self. You just got carried away with your vulnerability. I commend you for not beating yourself up, and are on setting your goals on a higher level. Enjoy every day of your rebooting, and exercise can increase your self-esteem and self-respect. I think part of our addiction process is that the reason we feel guilty after our episodes of relapse is that we lose respect for ourselves. We must pat ourselves on the back for doing well.
Think positive my friend!!

Stay happy
Stay positive
Stay in CONTROL

Thanks!

Aimee. Losing respect for self is not a good place to be in I tell you.
But I'm glad I'm even in a place where I'm making the effort. Thanks to you guys!
How many days are you on now?

*Big Hug*

You are welcome

You are welcome

I am not that far yet. But it seems like so long for me, not that I am complaining, I am just more in tuned with my thoughts now. Being aware of what I think and how I react. They say LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP, and I am doing that. Unlike before that I just take a Leap without looking! I am on my 16 days of no PMO, because I based it that I started to announce my recovery on Sept 1!

I have been to lost of self-respect every time I went to my addiction. Thank God for my sane self to really take a conscious effort of getting Recovered!

Thanks and Big Hugs for everyone!