Yesterday was not good in the reboot / ecstatic exchanges department. Even though I have plenty to do and work needs to get done, I achieved nothing yesterday in my line of work. Important work laid on the sidelines as my thoughts turned to my wife and my desire for her physically. It seems all I accomplished was to get to Reuniting, check on updates, and explore other Tantra sites.
As the day went on yesterday I got more and more turned on, to the point that when I went home I had totally lost all ability as a "pilot" to control my steering. I admitted to my wife that the day had not been good, and that I had not gotten anything done. She expressed sympathy and support by cuddling up beside me. My hands, in turn, began to move in places that were obvious no nos. She resisted at first, but minimally, and she became more and more turned on. By nightfall, I suggested that we just dump the exchanges. She, weakened by my words and touch, agreed.
It gets worse.
After a quick bath, she joined me in bed and we embraced with no clothes. Then, I suggested we try to connect in a very relaxed state, with no movement. Not a good idea. She immediately withdraws.
"First, all you talk about is how bad your day went because you could do nothing but think about me, and your desire for me, and how you imagine doing this and that with me. Then you do nothing but have your hands all over me, to the point where I tire of keeping you away and give in. Your words and your touch have excited me so much, and now you want to 'relax as we connect?' After all this talk and touch, the last thing I can do is 'relax!'."
With those words, she got up, put her night clothes on, and laid back down on the far side of our king-sized bed.
"Um, would you want to do the 6th Exchange?"
"Uhhh, I didn't think so. Good night."
This morning she had already gone to the local Y to do her exercise routine. I'd normally go too, but this time I stayed around until she returned home.
"I'm sorry, Sweet."
"I don't get it. We try these exchanges. They're your idea. But, all you do is talk about how difficult this is, and that you want me. I can't do this. Either we do the Exchanges or we don't."
"I'm sorry, babe. I'm not sure if this will work. But yesterday was terrible for me. And it ended up being very bad for both of us. This is so difficult for me, it's almost maddening. But, if these exchanges during these three weeks will help us to become more in sync with each other, then I do want to continue doing them. Today will be better. Forgive me?"
"I forgive you."
"I love you."
"I love you too. Now get some work done today, and quit thinking about me so much!"
Me, smiling back:
We hugged and kissed, and in a moment she was on her way to her work.
So.......bottom line: I messed up, but didn't go beyond ruin. Our relationship is still intact.
It's obvious how utterly difficult this whole thing has been for me. In the midst of a renewed honeymoon period, we decide to do these Exchanges. We do them because we are hot for each other, and our love making has been "goal oriented." I'm not saying this is a bad idea. It's probably a very good idea. But, it's almost maddening.
Anyone is welcome to comment. I wouldn't leave a post if I didn't want anyone to respond. But, remember this. Unless you have gone through this process of the three weeks of Ecstatic Exchanges, you don't really know how difficult this can be. Other than Marnia, I haven't read of anyone on this site who has gone through the couples reboot via the three week ecstatic exchanges. I've received a lot of advice from some very kind people, and I appreciate it all. But, so far I've only heard from folks who haven't gone through the process themselves. I'm sure there are plenty of folks who have. I just haven't heard from them.
Anyway, I do appreciate all of you, and I gain strength and comfort from reading your own stories, experiences, and comments. Now, I really do need to get something accomplished today, so I'm pledging to stay away from here as well as any other distracting portions of the internet. I'll check back in tomorrow, hopefully with a report on Exchange 7.
Have a blessed day.