Because of the transformation and rebirth that my wife and I have experienced, I am extremely optimistic that anyone, any couple can also change. Our lives have changed dramatically, for the better, and this gives me tremendous hope.
Up to a couple of months ago I would have said differently. We were not at a good place. Here is a quick picture of our "love" life then:
*weeks would go by with very little physical contact of any kind.
* kisses meant little to either of us.
*holding hands felt awkward and uncomfortable.
*sitting away from each other on opposite sides of the couch was the norm.
*she had an almost aversion, definitely a feeling of suffocation, when I got close to her.
*she would go to bed much sooner than I would. I would stay up, watch tv, usually fall asleep on the couch and sometimes go upstairs to bed. Often, I would just stay on the couch.
*on nights when something would "click" inside of me, I would venture up to the bedroom, climb into bed and gently touch her, hoping desperately that she would not violently jerk my hand away from her.
*on my "lucky" nights I would quickly and hungrily go down on her orally and digitally, bringing her to climax., followed by very very brief intercourse, at which time I would ejaculate almost immediately. We would then clean up individually, and without any words, fall asleep.
*most recently she allowed me to go anal with her. It seemed naughty and adventurous. I could tell she got some sense of enjoyment from it, although because of the added friction it was even more brief than pvi. A matter of seconds, actually.
*whatever we did, the whole thing felt less like love and more like two animals seeking relief. Both she and I later admitted to feeling somewhat dirty afterwards. She also admitted that on those days in which she gave a "yes," it was more out of a sense of obligation to me, and she hoped I would be finished soon so she could get some sleep.
That was our life as a couple married close to 28 years. Sounds romantic? NOT. Neither one of us can say how long we had been in this funk, this rut. But, the very good news is we both woke up from our slumber. We realized gradually what we have taken for granted.
Our change was not instantaneous, but considering the length of time it had taken us to get us to this place, both of us agree it was a dramatic turn around, practically a miracle. I would consider our change to be a resurrection. PW calls it our salvation. In short, we are a different couple today, more in love than we have ever been.
We have learned how to kiss in a different way and now our kisses could go on forever. We hold each other more. We snuggle on the couch. We caress each other. In the process, I have learned how to slow down during times of making love. We have learned how to truly make longer lasting love, and not just have quick sex to relieve the sexual tension. It was a huge surprise when I realized I could last longer if I just relaxed, breathed, went slower and more intentionally. Because of being able to spend more time inside of her, her body has responded in major ways. Her vagina has awakened. She is alive. She is extremely wet, even though we are both in our late 50’s. We have been “turned on” to each other.
Today, She looks different to me now. I have always thought of her as being beautiful, especially given our ages. But today, she is by far the most beautiful woman in the world. In the past she has been inhibited about what she has perceived as imperfections about herself. For instance, she has been embarrassed and insecure about the stretch marks on her abdomen, and to be honest they never used to do much for me either. But it’s different now. Now, I tell her that to me, those marks represent the times in which she carried our four children in her womb, and because of that those marks are extremely beautiful to me. For sure, have eyes for her, as I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
In our love making, I have enjoyed watching her gain so much pleasure. Because we can go longer, she has experienced many and multiple orgasms. Oral, PVI, and PAI have all been like heaven. Nothing of that we have done seems dirty any longer. It is all in love, with the idea of giving completely to each other.
At the same time, I have a strong sense that this cannot go on forever at this pace. I realize at times I admit to being insecure, and needy. I can’t take my hands off of her, and I admit that they are still very hungry touches. Because of what we do and our energy level, I have found that I have been going over the edge more frequently. While we are both so very happy, we would also like to reach the point where we are more stable, more secure, less hungry, more comfortable and at peace.
So, we’ve begun Marnia’s 21 Ecstatic Exchanges. Tonight we do Exchange number 5. It’s not been easy. I cannot say with honesty that my touches have been innocent and giving during these exchanges. Yesterday I wanted so much to enter her again. And yet, we are both committed to completing this little experiment.
It’s funny that I am having such a difficult time at this, considering that just two months ago I could have gone 30 days or more without having hardly touched her.
So, while it’s not been easy, it has been good. We are learning.
I want to share one experience that happened on Exchange 2. The Yin exercise called us to sit across from each other and just look into each other’s eyes. PW never enjoyed doing that. And I often have a difficult time sitting still without fidgeting (I have some ADHD). So I didn’t have much hope that we would get anything out of it.
But then, after a couple of minutes of me fidgeting and her getting slightly agrivated, something happened. In her eyes, I began to envision her during those very important times in our lives together. I began to see our lives in her eyes, during those beautiful time: I “saw” her the day I first laid eyes on her. Our first date. Our first kiss. Our wedding day, the birth of our children. I also saw her during all of those most difficult, painful times we shared. The good, the bad, the ugly. I saw everything in those eyes of hers.
She, in turn, noticed when my fidgeting stopped and I began gazing intently into her eyes. She even sensed that tears might be forming. Later, when I described my experience to her, I surprisingly became very emotional and began to cry. Not tears of sadness, but tears of thanksgiving for having had the privilege of sharing all of those moments with her, both the good and the bad. Having close to 30 years of shared experiences, and seeing them that night in that seemingly mundane exercise, has brought me a new awareness that makes our physical, emotional, and spiritual love that much deeper.
It was a beautiful experience. An awesome reminder of what we have together.
So, yes, this time of celibacy has not been easy. I’m still doing my share of grabbing and groping now and then. But, it has been good, too. There has been some growth. I pray that our love continues to mature and to grow. I look forward to more days and years together.
We have now completed four of the Exchanges. Tonight it’s onward to the 5th.