impasse and new beginning

Submitted by undying on
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I'm sorry to report that my sex-every-day experiment is not going to continue.

I'm reflecting how last month's mistakes (basically I went haywire at ovulation time and got things way too heated up) and their ugly aftermath, sprouted and blossomed into the beautiful things that have happened since. So, there's hope for this month's mistakes, as well...

the way it has turned out, I wasn't too surprised to find what I've been doing listed here under the category of "time-tested options that don’t work":

[quote]Opt out of orgasms yourself, while allowing your partner to orgasm. ... Letting your partner orgasm while foregoing them yourself will ultimately sabotage the relationship. Orgasms create distance (read the Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow chapter called, “At the Heart of the Separation Virus”). So while you are opening your heart more and more, you will have to simultaneously shield your heart while your partner goes through the emotional roller coaster rides caused by the orgasms...[/quote]

Tortoise cautioned me not to expect anything. It's only now that I can see how much I was expecting: love? There have been great moments, and I hope my enthusiasm for this daily-sex experiment demonstrates how serious I am about growing in sex. In a way I think it's gotten us some momentum. But the separation virus is still very much with us, only more painfully now since my heart is more open. :(

I've been doing some reading to solidify my own understanding of the neurochemistry to be ready to have a deeper talk about karezza.

I'm pretty afraid of this conversation, because I'll be laying out on the table the thing that I truly want out of life, and I'll be asking him to (consider, experiment with) giving up his heroin ( = orgasms).

Here are some thoughts from CPA and Karezza Korner that I'm mulling...

No partner can actually meet a need that is born of a neurochemical low.

The "What can I give?" attitude creates a profound feeling of comfort and abundance.

A woman's open vulnerability assists the man in control because it furnishes what the man most needs from the encounter.

(emerson) The worst way to explain it to a man is to say "it's like sex but you don't have an orgasm." Who wants that???? ... But if you say "you prolong sex, have lots of sexual intercourse, and delay your ejaculation for a long time and sometimes don't even bother ejaculating so you are always ready...and you get this amazing sensitivity and pleasure throughout your whole body" that can sell guys. Or at least the right guys.

Don't assume you will be sexually frustrated; Taoists discovered thousands of years ago a most satisfying sex life without conventional orgasm.

(Darryl) [his willingness to give up orgasm] demonstrates, in some way, his capacity for direction in his life. Making the choice to give up orgasming, and then following through with it, is no easy task for a guy. He'll have to be determined to do it, and at its core it will have to be his decision for himself first. If he does it just for you it won't ring true.



You might also ask him to try

3 weeks of consistency at a time, to gauge the effects himself. No one should have to accept something he can't believe in without testing it. Smile

And your good-faith experiment should have earned you some credits. Especially if you don't judge him, and just treat each phase as part of an ongoing experiment.

May your husband find the

May your husband find the impetus in his heart to give Karezza a try for a few weeks, for both his benefit and yours.

As a man, when I am continent, I am much more creative, dynamic, and energetic. As a husband, I am much more forgiving, giving, and attentive with my wife.

And, when I am continent, I can perform at the drop of a hat: for my 52nd birthday, we had five separate sessions in the course of 12 hours (grapeseed oil lubrication helps immensely). It was great for me, and my wife seemed to enjoy things, too.

My only lapses from continence are accidents; we stay away from purposeful ejaculation and peak orgasm, because it is really tough on my body, now that I am much more finely attuned to it.

May your discussion with your husband go well, u-. Your mind and heart are in the right place.

Good luck with your man

Awesome post, by the way!

I hope your man's curiosity will get the best of him. Before I started practicing sexual continence I would often have orgasms daily in the shower. Orgasm had become just another bodily function - one that I enjoyed but it certainly lacked the pizzaz of my youth! I was overweight, mildly depressed, and my relationship was on auto-pilot and getting fairly blah for both of us. Don't get me wrong, however - I actually felt "normal" since this is how many, many guys operate due to the easy access to internet porn.

I actually discovered sexual continence while trying to get back into shape after my Dad died suddenly. I had read about studies that showed that male testosterone peaked 7 days after an orgasm. Since higher testosterone is linked to building muscle, I thought I would go a week without climax. Another big influence was the following from the bulletproof executive site:
This got me thinking about going 30 days. I was also surprised that he didn't abstain from sex - just orgasm.

The first night I tried it, it was really hard! Painful and uncomfortable, actually. But the site gave me some good tips on how to deal with the classic "blue balls" syndrome. Once I discovered this site, it was like a whole new world opened up!

Now I'm in better shape than I have been in many years, and my sex life is amazing. Giving up regular orgasm has radically boosted the pleasure my wife and I experience during sex. I used to be a "hair trigger" kind of guy, but now my wife comments on my stamina! When I have purposeful orgasms, they are far stronger and longer than anything I had ever experienced before in my life.

On top of all this, my wife and I just find ourselves more in love with each other than before. We just get so into each other. Sure, there are still distant times, and not everything is rainbows and unicorns all the time. That being said, the rainbows and unicorns are around a lot more frequently than before!!

He should find all this worth a 3-4 week experiment, no?

Thank you, pianoluvr!!

Thank you, pianoluvr!!

The Bulletproof article might be convincing for him. He is seriously stressed and says that getting off is the only thing that can distract him from his woes for a short time.

He is exercising a lot and talking to a counselor... what's most mystifying to me is that even though we are making concrete plans for major life changes he still says "I wish I could get out of this; I wish I could do something different."

I want to say "Damn it! Stop wishing! Just WILL it to happen! We're already planning our way toward something different." And I do say that, a little more gently. But he still has the mentality of a rat in a cage. I tell him the door of the cage is on a timer and it's going to pop open in a couple of months...
but he's in a dark place. My words just fall into the abyssmal depths of his soul.

So... it seems the time isn't right. Seems like my role is patience and support right now. We'll see where we are next week or next month.

Marnia, do you have any comments on the claims about women's orgasms in the Bulletproof article? He claims there's a taoist basis for saying they're good for women, and points to research that orgasms raise women's emotional IQ?