I just learned almost a month ago that hubby has been looking at porn and MOing with fantasy for the last six years and lying about it. We are calling this round two because I learned he did this (even before meeting me) two years into our marriage. We naively tried to deal with it on own own for awhile but went for SA specialized counseling because that wasn't working. Neither did the counseling. In fact, there seems to be more damage on his end because of it. It helped me tremendously. Then awhile later we got divorced. A year later, we got back together. We lived together for three years and then got married and bought a house. (Three kids btw).
So another three since buying the house. Shortly after moving here, I learned of the autism spectrum from researching some of our kids' behavior. The short story, he and 2 of the kids (his bio kids) were diagnosed on it. So...all those behaviors I thought were exclusively due to aspergers were not.
Things had to get really crazy before he could muster up the courage to tell me. It was all very dramatic. At first he was denying it was an addiction, he's just been able to refer to it as that within the last two weeks. Thank god for yourbrainonporn.com. Wish that had been there during the first round 9 years ago. this site is a god send as well.
Ironically, I found this site on July 2 of this year when I did a google search for "oxytocin and sex" while at my wits end with our constant ups and downs because we had decided to explore tantra because I was wanting to take ownership of my emotional bs. We had a sexless (10x or less per year) sex life. (thinking that would be the perfect solution to our sexual wounds. He - a past addiction and me - sexual abuse.) Wow, what a journey this summer turned out to be.
I have had my really down moments although at first it was relieving to have a bigger picture of reality. But I did have to process things from 6 years worth of living and all those "intimate moments" this summer and especially the bold faced lies during those intimate moments. So info from this site about karezza started the journey of sexual exploration that is leading me back here for another reason. Lol, we even watched the videos on porn addiction and he didn't flinch. The torture I'm sure he suffered. Needless to say, trying out karezza provided him with a taste of 'true intimacy' he said. Despite that couldn't hold him over long due to the novelty wearing off.
So here we are...again. 13 total years of being together. He says he wants to stay together and try karezza for real this time. I'm willing to since I am willing to believe he never took the behavior live but he keeps wavering on acting remorseful. Driving me nuts. Unfortunately, we have had more sex since July than probably the last 5 years. And he Oed last weekend attempting karezza. We each are reading Cupid and he still doesn't seem to be trying to be aware of withdrawal. He says he isn't having them, hasn't Med in 2 months and porn in a month. I'm trying to piece the picture together to determine what to expect and be as understanding as I can. Obviously I'm succeeding in that at times otherwise he wouldn't have sex with me, right? Yet at times he says things like "Why don't you just leave then?" leaving me to wonder if he'a omitting things, having withdrawal, or he can't handle my emotions. Maybe all of the above, maybe just the latter two. Sure doesn't help with rebuilding trust though. I read about recovery that the best approach is the 'no option' attitude and I completely agree. He says he does too but is giving me a hard time about putting monitoring software on his phone (only point of access he says) so he knows it can't be hidden and serve as a deterrent. That makes me suspicious. He has agreed but keeps coming up with excuses of why he has an issue with it. First bc he didn't want to jailbreak his phone, then because he felt demoralized as a human for having no privacy, then no privacy for emailing our therapist." BUT, let's go ahead and put it on!" I don't think I'm being unrealistic here. He has drastically affected my life, our kids' life in so many ways with this. I've tried to convince him he's not a POS but he gives me a hard time about this one thing about something he wants to stop anyway. I don't know what the hell to believe! But it's my bottom line at this point. Also he is only talking about bonding, not initiating it because he's upset about the monitoring thing.
All in all, he's accessed porn via Internet for 15 years and pic porn prior for over a decade. 25+ years in one form or another. Is this salvagable or am I wasting my time? I love this man dearly. Just not sure if it's mutual. Any insight would truly be cherished.