Well its Day 6 of my reboot. Day 5 was better I felt pretty good all day bar my usual danger times (morning/night). Today has been worse, more anxiety and more depression.
To give some back story I think I need to explain a few things.
Firstly I am not your usual porn addict for one big reason. The material I was viewing was at the most extreme either very light porn or fetishist in body shape, but not acts. Pretty much no sex at all. Really what I was in to was every day women clothed, some amateur pinup stuff and at most soft-core porn (topless, occasional nakedness).
It was very easy for me to pretend I didn't have a problem. However there are some big give aways that I am suffering from something very like porn addiction. One is I just can't get it up without masturbation. The other is I would horde material that I never looked at or very lightly looked at. At one point I got off on the excitement of hording so much embarrassing material.
I am an anxious person, I was anxious before I went through puberty or even seeing the Internet or large quantities of erotic material.
I put down the usage of material and masturbation down to two things:
- Coming to terms with what I find sexually attractive in a woman, versus what I felt pressured to find attractive in a woman
- A craving need to relax.
Looking back there was all the hints that what I found attractive didn't match what I felt I was supposed to find attractive. I tend toward larger, more womanly/less girly women who appear intelligent or geeky. Contrast this with the stick thin, photoshopped barbie dolls in lads mags in my late teens/20s I felt I was some sort of deviant. Now in fairness you can carry some of my tastes to quite extreme levels and I will stay interested. I am not going to pretend I am some sort of saint, I just get horny to a different ideal of womanhood.
I had for most of my teens and 20s very low self esteem. I really didn't believe I was good enough for any woman I found attractive, that they would be better off with a real man. I am sub average height (5'5") and not sporty. This combined with my natural worrying made me very anxious.
So masturbation became an out, a way of giving my brain a dopamine hit and giving me the relaxation I craved. I had childhood asthma and I find getting very drunk really disorientating. So it seemed like the natural choice. No lung cancer, no hang over, what could go wrong?
Simple, I have trained my brain to need masturbation to get hard.
So everything seems heavy at the moment. I am single, and frankly it may as well all come out, I always have been and I am a virgin. I'm 33 I don't want to be this way anymore.
I've finally come to terms with myself and what I find attractive (which is really quite broad). I wish I could have gotten those insights a little sooner.
The numbness toward normal women, either on TV (not sought out just normal quiz shows etc) or out and bout in RL, described in classic porn addiction is not present at all. However the connection to downstairs is. My mind can be howling at the moon, but I barely get a twinge. It is monumentally frustrating. All my old fidgets are back, I jitter with nervous tension.
It is all extremely frustrating.
Other reasons for frustration: My work is very much up and down, I get busy fulfilling days and other slow boring frustrating unfulfilling days. Also I word in IT, I can be working on a floor for days on end without seeing a single woman my age or available. I am starved of normal female contact, adding more anxiety to being around them.
If you are rebooting good on you I really wish you well, even reading some of the posts here to get your head in gear to get started is a positive step.
There is no doubt coming to terms with what you find attractive or the occasional self made orgasm shouldn't be bad for you. However it is possible to harm or kill yourself with excesses of other essential of life like water and oxygen. Pretty much anything taken to extremes will do you harm. Your health physical or mental is an important thing. By reading these blogs or posting yourself you are moving forward. Hang in there and know you are not alone.