So today is my 2 week mark or no porn or masturbation, last night was the hardest night yet! I went on 2 dates yesterday that I met from an online dating service, and this was my first time hanging with woman since I have stopped porn and masturbation. The whole time I was trying to differentiate my strong sexual feelings, and my feelings of connecting with the girls for who they were. I think I did a pretty good job, although the sexual feelings were really raging! I connected stronger with date #2 than I did with Date #1. With date #2, I was totally intrigued by the conversations we were having and how comfortable and fun it was just talking. I felt that I really just wanted to cuddle the girl and pour love into her, just the thought of physical embrace felt so good!
After a day spent talking with those 2 girls, I was really tired and extremely hungry. When I got home I ate and talked to my dad about how it went. I started to feel a little lonely because I want to have a deep and true love connection so bad! As the night went on I started thinking more and more about PMO'ing, it got to the point where I could almost feel my mind about to impulsively just take over and take me to my favorite porn site. At that point, I turned off my computer and got into bed. As I was about to close my eyes and go to bed, I did a small prayer saying "Okay god, I am trusting you to help me through this."
I had dreams about connecting with my first love, who is now engaged, and feeling the feelings of intense, innocent, and pure love. When I woke up, I had a really strange feeling, almost as if something broke within my emotions and my emotions were flowing strong and freely. I felt acceptance, sadness, faith, and determination within my melancholy state. I woke up with the lyrics of a Dido song called "See The Sun" and the lyrics were "And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you you'll see the sun again. And your asking me why pain's the only way to happiness, and I promise you you'll see the sun again." While hearing those lyrics within my head, my eyes welled up in tears and I started to recognize how brave of a journey this is for all of us to take.
During this last part, I want to recognize all of you for being so brave and facing this thing that is not recognized by most. I admire all of you so much and you are all my hero's, I mean that with all my heart. This website has helped me with my PMO addiction more than anyone or anything has before, and it is all because of all of you brave people telling your stories and being so honest with yourselves and others. I am forever thankful to all of you for being my partners in this journey. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!