Relapsed... (My life. My pattern. My 2 brains.)

Submitted by warriorfreedom on
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So I just PMO relapsed and I have been relapsing a lot lately, which is not good. I have felt myself sliding further and further down the rope of success back into the black hole each time I relapse. I notice the familiar dull, foggy, numb feelings that I lived in for so long, and know all too well after I have a relapse. I am becoming more and more familiar with the term "edging," which is what I have been doing and which ultimately leads to my relapse.

Here is my pattern:
I will e mail girls on dating sites and start talking to them about sex to get my fantasy going, then my dopamine gets too high, then I start getting lonely and depressed when I come down, and then I relapse. I will then go throughout my days feeling anxious and socially awkward which ultimately makes me want to just seclude, then when I do that, I start to believe that this hangover feeling is real and it will last forever.

It is such a sad and vicious cycle for me and every time after I relapse, it is like a black cloud has been lifted from my eyes and I see what I have actually done, and how I was never in control of myself at all, and what a rude awakening it is each time.

PMO will destroy my life if I do not actively move further away from each day, I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. The sad thing is that I know I have a chance to get away from this, and still I relapse. I know all of the damage this can cause, and still I relapse. I know that this will pull me further and further away from who I want to be and who I want to be with, and still I relapse. I don't want to lose my chance at a life of happiness and success because of this, I want to beat this and I don't want to listen to my brain anymore when it tells me why I should masturbate to porn, like there is any significant benefit to it. I don't trust myself when I am in PMO mode, and I don't believe a thing I say when I am in PMO energy, it is all just a bunch of lies and sabotage.

The good news it that I am now able to differentiate between my rational brain (my true self) and my primitive brain (my PMO addiction), which is something I was never able to do before and I was always confused. That is of course until I am in full on PMO mode and my rational brain has been knocked out and the primitive brain has taken the wheel. The crazy thing is that I can feel when my rational brain get's knocked out and PMO takes over, so at least I am more aware of the differences between my two brains, which I ave to count as an accomplishment!

Thank you for being here everyone!

Comments

Suggestion:

Stop the behavior that is triggering the relapses. In this case, that means to stop texting girls on dating sites. It's a "gateway drug" for you.Biggrin All addicts have to identify...and work around...their triggers.

Get away from from your computer. Meet your dates in person, or spend time with actual people...in malls, parks, whatever. Smile and make eye contact.

Remember, your motto now is "3-D, not pixels." Time to unplug from the Matrix.