Day 12 Already?

Submitted by Waves on
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It's been 12 days since my last PMO session and it seems like time has been flying. I've been unusually busy since quitting PMO, and this is quite a blessing since the first few days of withdrawal are usually the hardest for me (and for many others I'm sure). These last 12 days have also been a little bit strange and serendipitous at times, but I'll get into these recent events later after a bit of back story on myself.
I'm a 21 year old college student, and I have been addicted to PMO since I was 14. The first time I remember ever coming across pornographic material I must've been in 1st grade. I was at my neighbor/ best friend's house when we ran across his stepfather's collection of naked girls in his toolbox in the garage. As the years went on, more and more pornographic material, (magazines, dvd's, etc) were discovered by me and my friend while we looked at the material with a mix of awe and fear. When I finally got to 5th grade, another friend of mine showed me internet pornography for the first time. I still remember that day, the look of the page, the disgust and akwardness I felt, and the fact that we almost got caught by his dad. As you might imagine, that excitement drew us back to look at pages like that every time we were together. I eventually stopped hanging out with him, but looking back on this now there's a strong possibility that he's addicted to PMO as well.
Years later, when I was 12, I finally experimented with masturbating. This coincided with me finally getting my own television in my room, as it just so happened. There was this show that had girls in bikinis and then bam, first orgasm of my life, I didn't even have to touch myself, it just went off haha. The next day the same show was on and that time I intentionally got off to it. The year following that I would stay up late at night to try to find programming that suited my tastes. I was unlucky most of the time, but I would search for hours anyways.
When I finally reached the age of 14 I got my own personal computer and thats when things really skyrocketed out of control. There was everything I ever wanted to see and more, and I could never get enough. I ended up PMOing twice a day, every day, for years thinking it was normal because all of my friends were doing the same thing. During this time I was in high school and there were a bunch of girls that liked me, but I never had any interest in them because they weren't hot enough for me and my porn distorted looking glass.
At 17, I meet this girl who is crazy about me and, after 10 tries, we finally have sex. My erections for the next 100 or so sessions were good, but they started to fade as I continued to PMO everyday even after sex. Eventually, I was failing about 30% of the time, which was no good for her because she was a crazy nymphomaniac who would become incredibly upset if she couldn't have sex everyday, sometimes up to 3 times a day. Looking back, it was a terrible relationship, abusive on some levels even. We were both just addicted to sex, looking for a willing body. The funny thing was that she was also heavily addicted to PMO prior to our relationship, but swears that she quit when she met me. She found out i was still PMOing of course, and left, which drove me into a deep depression.
Since then, I haven't been able to have sex with any girl I've met. Even ones that I found incredibly attractive still weren't able to get me sprung. After failing to have sex on a dozen occasions, I had almost given up on trying to meet women entirely. That was until finding this site 7 months ago, when I found out about PMO addiction that the related biz. Finding this site has lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders. I once believed my condition to be physical/medical, but now I'm very sure that it is mostly mental and reversible. Anyways, I've tried to quit a few times since January and here I am now, day 12 again.
In these past 12 days I've felt remarkably....alive. It all started when I was at my friends birthday party on day 2 and I ate an, unbeknownst to me, highly dosed weed cupcake. As I haven't smoked properly for 6 months, I knew that it was going to an uncomfortably intense trip. And oh...it was. As I was laying spaced out, staring at my car ceiling, I reflected on all the time I had wasted on porn, all of the failed relationships I had had as well as other deep issues concerning my self worth and life purpose. After coming to terms with a lot of things I actually prayed to God for him/it to send some girls into my life and to help in my recovery. I do happen to believe in God, not in the christian God sense but in the cosmic interconnected consciousness that is all of us etc..., (i'll discuss my beliefs if anyone is interested for philosophical purposes), but I haven't actually prayed since I was about 10. That being said, you can imagine my mindset at that time. The next day, I start getting tons of texts from an old flame whom apparently is trying to get back with me. The day after that, I go to the fair and three girls hang out at the booth I'm working at for about 2 hours until I got off, while one of them was clearly very interested in me. The day after that, I end up hanging out with the girls again at the fair, especially the one that is interested in me, while in the same day asking out the very cute girl working at the gyro stand, which is something I never do. On top of all of this, many other girls at the fair seemed very interested in me, and for some amazing reason, it seems that I was also interested in them. Not just them as prospects for sex, as my distorted mind used to think, but as real genuine people whom I could be happy just talking to them. I'm not sure what to make of these recent events, but all of this good fortune is inspiring me to keep going in my recovery.

Comments

What a wonderful story!

It's amazing what knowledge + intention can accomplish. Just try not to rush things. Your brain will need time to recover its balance. Your problem may not be "medical," but it is physical, and it takes time to heal.

How are things now?