Dealing with 2 years of Singledom, w/avoidance of Orgasm.

Submitted by whitedeer on
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Hi everyone! I am a long time lurker at this site, and have read Marnia's fantastic Cupid's poisoned arrow book. I don't intend to come here to moan about being single. Because my last relationship was emotionally traumatic, it has taken me some time to begin to heal. I think I am finally coming back to "myself" after 1.5yrs of feeling I had lost my soul when it ended with my ex.

I don't feel destroyed anymore, and every day I trust myself more, and feel more grounded in my life path.I am pursuing a job which I love very much - it makes me feel like I am doing what I was born to do and am making some small positive impact in the world.

However, (you knew that was coming, right?) I have had no inclination to go out and find meaningless sexual partners during this time. I was too busy grieving my previous relationship and then developing what may turn in to my career to even consider going out to casually date.

Also if you look back at my post history you'll see that I've been aware of Karezza principles since 2012. All of this timeI have wanted nothing more than to practice them. And so, during my 2 years of aloneness I just tried my best not to masturbate ( very very infrequently did that happen). I tried to start meditating, to redirect body energy so it wouldn't become "stuck" in my pelvis and result in dream orgasm.

The pattern that I noticed was that - either a dream orgasm or a masturbatory orgasm would throw me off the rails for a few weeks. Then I would remember why I hate them so much thanks to the awful after effects. And, as I was alone, it was useful for me to have to reflect on this being all about my body- I couldn't blame a partner for "making" me orgasm.This was all about me and what I chose to do (less so in dream states). But after a few weeks out from an orgasm I would feel ok. a month out, i felt great and also not sexually obsessed.

By two months, it felt like my body was nothing but sext energy and so far my attendance at Yoga classes (not kundulini) haven't helped it like I thought it would. It would usually end up feeling like this massive bodily energy overload -- before a dream orgasm or any other variety of orgasm. And there would be this huge need to be loved/feel loved. And then by about 3 months out, either have an orgasm in my sleep or give in.

So my point here is: the reason this happens, its seems to me, is that despite my intent to learn to be strong willed in case anyone would want to ever date me again and would be interesting in trying karezza: I want to make sure I'm not the one unduly heating things up.

Every time this happens I feel like a failure - but more importantly I feel like I'm missing the secret.

Does Yoga/meditation not stop that over-build-up of body firey energy?

Does it take a partner to have a chance at this? Ie, with Karezza, if done in a properly *non-heated* way, would that somehow neutralize or actually take away the pressure of that energy that otherwise would overflow into orgasm? I just hate feeling like I don't have any way to healthily deal with this on my own without it being in 2/3 month cycles.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with sexual energy buildup when single, besides yoga and meditation and clean eating? I am trying those things but dream orgasms still happen.

I am an almost 29 year old woman. I don't have any porn addiction or anything like that. I've been trying to live by Karezza principles since 2012 but my (emotionally abusive)partner preferred to cheat on me than give it a go so I just avoided orgasm on my own totally without his support. That ended in 2016, and ever since, I've basically been living like a monastic. Trying to avoid orgasm as much as possible, because abstinence was the closest thing I could do to karezza when by myself. And I did great work in other areas of my life.

But I feel like I am missing something and am coming here for advice -on how to survive on your own when this [karezza] is the sexual practice you want in your life?

Before I die,I just want to know what it feels like to love someone with the feeling of love/cuddles and gentleness, and not the passionate sex intensity love. (which is wonderful until it destroys your life afterwards)


Thanks for the update

First, congratulations on your career success. They're lucky to have you!

Second, karezza is a practice for couples, as you know. If I'm right that we really do benefit enormously from a loving, stable connection with a partner, then it makes sense that we can't easily stabilize our sexual energy while on our own. Our sexual energy is the means of making synergy possible, which means it's not entirely stable on its own. (As I understand it, kundalini exercises are an extreme practice designed to force a state of energetic androgyny, but the result can still be can been seen from the sexual adventures of various gurus.)

In other words, I don't think you're doing anything "wrong." I think you're doing as well as can be expected, or perhaps even better! Or to put it another way, I know of no perfect prevention technique. Everything you're doing makes sense. If you're curious what men who want to reduce wet dreams suggest, there are some tips on this page - but they don't guarantee perfection either.

I'm not recommending kundalini yoga, but I do think energy circulation exercises may be useful: Sexual Energy and the Single Woman | Reuniting. Again, I don't think you should expect perfect results, or get too driven about them.

My best advice would be to accept yourself, and not to demand perfection for now. Just observe and keep a sense of humor, and continue to affirm your goal of a healthy relationship. Meditation, exercise, time in nature and socializing can all be helpful too. And when you can walk barefoot, do it!

Thank you

Thank You so much Marnia, that is so helpful to hear! I will definitely do that (not freak out too much over a dream orgasm that isn't "my fault' etc.) I'll attempt to turn it into a positive by getting a better idea of what POC is like specifically for me, without the mental interference of thinking everything's my partner's fault. Thank you!!

I don't necessarily have the

I don't necessarily have the answers, but I share a lot of the feelings you've expressed with regards to getting by alone when karezza is what you want in a relationship.

I wonder if chi gung might be something different you could try if yoga is causing an increase in pressure, as it seems to work with more subtle energies (although after these long periods of abstinence, it doesn't feel so subtle!)

As Marnia suggested, getting outdoors and being barefoot helps and that's where I go to relieve that tension. Creating helps as well, so writing, music, dancing, painting - things like that - can be very helpful in redirecting some of that sexual energy (and has worked well to prevent wet-dreams too).

Also, finding groups of people that may be more open to this kind of thing will hopefully get you in contact with another who you may fancy and would be willing to try karezza. I go along to Kirtan (music and chanting in big groups) and some free-form dance groups as well, and find these kinds of people to be more open to things like karezza. In fact, a friend of mine who I go to Kirtan with told me that a friend of hers suggested she read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. I said, "I have that book!" and she asked if she could borrow it.

I wish you all the best on your healing journey and hopefully now that you're feeling more ready and like yourself again, you'll be able to find that love you are looking for.

Personal Sexuality Practice

Hi Whitedeer,

I'm very fascinated by what you are experiencing. I work with women to formulate a single women's sexuality practice that is balanced and sustainable. It's based entirely from karezza/"feminine" tantra.

I've been separated from my partner for quite a while now, and I've noticed the immense need and beneficial value in having a stable women's sexuality practice that has changed my life.

PM if you would like to discuss more!

As a single man I am

As a single man I am struggling with this since 2011 now.

My experience is that there is no beneficial way of consciously redirecting the sexual energy. I think this would be a way of overriding the natural function of the chakras.

I think the best way of eradicating this sexual desire and avoid having orgasms would be what monks are doing who live in isolation, i.e. using conscious suffering, solitude and a religious framework to destroy the desire, but that's a very special way of living which few people chose to do.

I think the energy is there to be used within a partnership or sexual encounter. If it is not being used, it will naturally want to get out, for example in a dream.

Whenever I abstain for longer times the desire and longing to be in a partnership becomes very strong, and I can suppress it with masturbation/porn.

During the years I have just accepted the fact that this sexual energy comes in waves and that there are times when the urge to masturbate is so strong that I just have to give in.

I have to say that there are certain downsides to sexual abstinence, that is every relationship in my daily life seems to be suddenly filled with sexual energy, which can be quite uncomfortable at times.

That's why it is interesting to read about your similar experience with long term abstinence.

For me the beneficial part of regular masturbation is that my daily life is no longer controlled by sexual desires. Unfortunately it also numbs me and makes me stop craving a relationship and human contact.

So most of the time I try to get away from it, but in times of abstinence I do not judge about a wet dream or masturbation when the energy becomes to much to bear.

People in my surrounding react extremely sensitive about this energy, so it is always a somewhat surreal roller coaster of sexual energy for me when living without orgasm. I feel like I desperately want to put this energy into a relationship.

So regarding this energy and relationships - even though I have not experiences this first hand, my impression is that it is beneficial to have infrequent orgasms with a partner, and that sharing orgasms in a deeply intimate way, embedded within a partnership based on love is the best way of releasing such energy.

That's why this energy wants to be released, even when you do not have a partner. It exists to be released. The cultural framework is the problem, and the desire for people to focus primarily on the sensation of orgasm.

So personally I just wait and hope that there will be a day where I can experience an intimidate and loving relationship with a woman. I know it is a matter of energetic resonance and destiny, so on a certain level I am not stressing over it anymore, even though on a more biological level it feels like I am starving.

In the end this present life is just one life of so many, and I know nothing can be really lost, so I am just trying to observe this loneliness and the fluctuating sexual energy while learning from the experience.

Do you use porn

when you masturbate? If so, in what format?

My sense (from monitoring recovery forums for years) is that masturbation to sensation (lube, intercourse-like pressure and speed) may have different effects than masturbation styles that condition people to other stimuli. If conditioning is too different, or too frequent, it may impede partnered sex (or desire for partnered sex). See How do I masturbate without porn?

Just a thought..

I am also a Single out here in the far reaches of the Karezzaverse (theory with no experience so far) and my therapist (who I see because of sexual/religious trauma) gave me some pranayama exercises used to transmute sexual energy. I find them to be very helpful during these in between times.

Marnia, do you have any thoughts or input on that? I did not want to be ultra specific if this is a one off rabbit trail.

Some people find those exercises

helpful. There's a link above to a similar practice for women. There are others here:

BTW, I don't think it pays for single folk to get too rigid where sexual energy is concerned. It's a dynamic energy. As I said above, karezza is a couples practice, which depends on exchanges with a partner. What are you doing to meet potential partners?

I hope...

...that is a rhetorical question. I actually am actively trying to meet people- even in communities where sacred sexuality tends to be part of the conversation. It is surprisingly difficult and frustrating. Compassionate, open minded partners have been very difficult to find. And I live in Seattle.

I know this forum is intended to support the couples' dynamic - since obviously that is the whole point. It is some balm to know others are still seeking yet have not found.

Maybe when I finally have some energetic Karezza action- I will pipe back up again.


I've found To Be A Man by Robert Masters a very helpful resource for understanding the emotional context behind this patterned behavior.