It's been a while since my last entry. And it will unfortunately be a while until I make another one. There's been less and less chance of a relapse, now that I'm seeing someone. It's amazing how thinking about another person can take one's mind off porn - even when one feels lonely. The ultimate cure? Marnia and Gary kept letting us know that bonding was key, and I must admit I (rather stupidly) ignored them :( Now I understand.
Just a routine update for my five week mark (38 days, to be precise). Feeling pretty good most of the time, though lately I've been feeling quite nervous in social situations where I don't know the person I'm talking to, and struggle to make conversation. It's got to do with trying too hard to make a good impression, and the accompanying fear of rejection; but unfortunately it seems that knowing the answer to my problems doesn't do much in solving them. I have been stepping outside my comfort zone, and trying to push through this awkwardness, so hopefully it will slowly improve.
I'm now on four weeks, and the past 7 days have been one of highs and lows: all pretty much expected in a reboot, I guess. Today I've been feeling horribly low, for most of the day. Low, and quite lonely. Fortunately - or perhaps "not-fortunately", to be honest I don't really care, I'm just sort of glad for my reboot - I'm not feeling any pull from porn at the moment, none at all. This used to be my outlet, and to have no desire for that is ... different. That's the least I can say; and it is a surprise.
Just over three weeks gone.
Today was, probably, the first real day of urges in this reboot. Fortunately, they were really only in the morning. It's dangerous to spend an hour in bed in the morning, going through the news on a tablet, as today proved: my mind went frequently to a quick peak. I managed to resist, thankfully.
It's been two weeks this time around. I feel like every attempt that I make is a little more concrete, a little more determined; though I do also realise how easy it is to lose focus for just a few days or more, or less!, and suddenly you're back to day one.
Hey fellow bloggers, relapsed today after a 43/44 day run. This is more than double my previous effort, but I did relapse, so I'm having mixed fellings about it (of course, as anyone would). Started writing a journal entry for today, but realised that it would be something good to post here, so have pasted it below. It's long, so I've inlcuded a little handy TLDR version above.
32 days down, 33 after tonight, and I'm feeling rather good about my progress. Emotionally, however, I tend to feel ordinary, and sometimes quite down. There's hardly any urges though, so I guess that I'm in a flatline?
I'm finding it really hard to gain the urge to socialise. I really have no desire to do so at all, which is frustrating when I read (and also know) how helpful it is to progress. I'm hoping that I'll start to become more outgoing the longer my reboot goes.
Well, I've been attempting something a little different this time round - focusing more on my progress, and not so much on counting days. Do I haven't been on this site much at all except for the past day or so - I was worried that I was spending a little too much time on this site, and it was becoming a bit of a problem for me. Maybe it was because I was thinking about porn too much, and this was preventing me from focusing on other things? I know that one can become TOO focused with recovering.
Dammnnnn. Seems like I got a bit ahead of myself, and ended up relapsing yesterday. The previous day the cravings were getting a bit bad, so I ended up watching pornography for a few minutes (no M or O, no edging at all - just watching). But then dragged myself away from it.
Then, the next day, ended up PMOing. So it's back to day one (today).
Sooooo, now I'm getting past the half way mark of the second week, and I think I'm starting to flatline. In that I don't feel as much of a horndog as I have the last couple of days; but whether that's because I'm genuinely flatlining, or because I spent last night and the days both side of it away from temptation, I'm not sure. Previous attempts have had urges starting strongly around the start of week 3, so I should remain completely on guard.