Just over three weeks gone.
Today was, probably, the first real day of urges in this reboot. Fortunately, they were really only in the morning. It's dangerous to spend an hour in bed in the morning, going through the news on a tablet, as today proved: my mind went frequently to a quick peak. I managed to resist, thankfully.
This type of urge tends to be the really dangerous one for me, as it comes with the belief that I won't MO; i'll just have a quick peek into the world of porn. But I stayed conscious to the dangers of such a move - loss of motivation, eventual relapse, feeling of failure - and kept away.
Not much has changed since last blog: still rather depressed, not really movitvated, still rather anxious in public places, my social life is still pathetic (I apologise for the "woe is me" description. I just feel honesty - how I feel about my life - would be best here). But a few things have. One, I tend to be less anxous in certain situations: when one-on-one with a stranger in a rather comfortable setting. Two, - and I only realised this today - I've actually been having a real desire to strike up conversations with complete strangers, pretty ones that is :). I just have a little way to go in this.
Three, I'm more receptive with others - and I've started to suspect that I seem rather boring when talking with others. I suspect it is because a) I'm self-conscious when having a conversation; and b) I am rather eager to seek approval from those I don't know properly, whcih means I probably tend to not act my self. It really cripples my ability to connect with others.
Finally, I had a little bit of an epiphany tonight: that I felt my behaviour today (feeling nervous, anxious) was pathetic, really pathetic. And that I really had to face my fears, and not allow my fears to control me. It was quite powerful, really. Unfortunately, most of the feeling has gone now, but a tinge remains, and I hope it grows by day.
So there's a handful of the things that I am going to be working on this coming week.