Three Weeks

Submitted by WhiteRabbit on
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Just over three weeks gone.

Today was, probably, the first real day of urges in this reboot. Fortunately, they were really only in the morning. It's dangerous to spend an hour in bed in the morning, going through the news on a tablet, as today proved: my mind went frequently to a quick peak. I managed to resist, thankfully.

This type of urge tends to be the really dangerous one for me, as it comes with the belief that I won't MO; i'll just have a quick peek into the world of porn. But I stayed conscious to the dangers of such a move - loss of motivation, eventual relapse, feeling of failure - and kept away.

Not much has changed since last blog: still rather depressed, not really movitvated, still rather anxious in public places, my social life is still pathetic (I apologise for the "woe is me" description. I just feel honesty - how I feel about my life - would be best here). But a few things have. One, I tend to be less anxous in certain situations: when one-on-one with a stranger in a rather comfortable setting. Two, - and I only realised this today - I've actually been having a real desire to strike up conversations with complete strangers, pretty ones that is :). I just have a little way to go in this.

Three, I'm more receptive with others - and I've started to suspect that I seem rather boring when talking with others. I suspect it is because a) I'm self-conscious when having a conversation; and b) I am rather eager to seek approval from those I don't know properly, whcih means I probably tend to not act my self. It really cripples my ability to connect with others.

Finally, I had a little bit of an epiphany tonight: that I felt my behaviour today (feeling nervous, anxious) was pathetic, really pathetic. And that I really had to face my fears, and not allow my fears to control me. It was quite powerful, really. Unfortunately, most of the feeling has gone now, but a tinge remains, and I hope it grows by day.

So there's a handful of the things that I am going to be working on this coming week.


Thanks man, don't let it get

Thanks man, don't let it get you down. I've honestly lost count of the number of times I've relapsed. Get back into the groove of things, and after a couple of days the low feelings will have all gone. All the best.

Thanks for the link Marnia.

Thanks for the link Marnia. Inspiring comment from that person.

THe confidence comes and goes, but there's definately an overall increase in my desire to face the things that make me nervous. The downside is that I'm also starting to recognise how terrible a conversationalist I am. Suppose years of porn use has prevented me from learning basic fundamentals of conversing with strangers.

I'm alright around those I know; it's just those I don't know well I struggle with. Guess it's time for some intense training in 'how to connect with others'...

Nice insights. Keep at it.

Nice insights. Keep at it. We build off of the small successes. What you are doing in small social settings will expand to larger ones and so will your comfort. Keep getting out there and learning the hard way. There's a little pain involved, but the growth is worth it.

Day 27

Thanks borshajen, Marnia for your encouragement.

Doing alright at the moment, I'm staying quite strong. A few days ago I ended up looking at porn for a bit, there was no masturbation or edging, but there was certainly arousal. This time around, however, after that slight stumble, I've (so far) managed to keep away from porn - mainly by keeping really busy. I have a recollection of how one day of looking at porn turned into a sequence of days, and then the eventual relapse, so I've hopefully managed to resist and have overcome the immediate danger - I made it my priority to keep occupied.

The hardest thing has been telling myself that the porn IS the problem (not just the total package: PMO) and then stopping myself from checking out porn sites. The most dangerous ones are the sites with both porn and non-pornographic material - and thus not letting my mind trick me into visiting these sites (for the non-porn stuff, obviously!!).

It's just will power, yes?

I'm still struggling with connecting with others, esp. strangers. I've managed to organise the suspected reasons into groups, with the problems being: too eager to please, be liked by others, and thus not "being myself" - a cliche perhaps, but really important I think; nervousness (probably because of above); and finally perhaps being a little too self-centred with others. I was wondering if the self-centredness was a self-defence mechanism? - Do I resist conversing with strangers because I am nervous, and then excuse this in my mind as because I didn't really want to talk to them in the first place?

And surely, self-centredness is at the centre of my need to be liked - why else would one have such a need, but to stroke one's ego? Though it is hard to determine the root cause of these problems I'm having, as the cause and effect tends to go round in circles..

I'm working on them though, and some suggestions from other users on this forum (certain books to read, steps to take) wll be of quite some use, I am certain.

All the best to everyone else making their attempts at rebooting (or is it rebalancing?), and stay strong!

but overanalysing is good

but overanalysing is good Marnia! takes away the pain...and gives the illusion that I'm solving the problem...

serious question: what is your view on emotions such as sadness and loneliness? Part of the healing process, or destructive? I used to always keep a positive mindset, I still do, but I am questioning if this is the best thing to do - maybe I should work through it rather than push it away?

My view

is that it's easier to deal with those emotions when you're in balance. Of course you have to deal with them. But if you try to do it while you're feeling rotten for reasons that are purely will be a lot harder and you're likely to reach distorted "insights."