Hey guys. I've been reading all the posts on this website for the last few weeks - gaining insight and strength. I finally decided to share my story; but I first wanted to start by thanking everyone for being so open about a very personal issue.
It took a while for me to admit that I actually had ED. I just turned 31 recently, and feel that I am young and should be able to have sex with women without any issues. I start masturbating at approx 13 to magazine pictures or any late night foreign/arty movies. When I went to highschool, I had a long term girlfriend for a few years. I never had any issues with ED, and I think I was just a normal teenage guy wanting sex. I used to work so hard for it haha (but got it only once in awhile).
In college, I hooked up with a couple of random girls and only had an issue of ED once - but I chalked it up to drinking alot that night. Eventually, I met a girl that I ended up having a six year relationship with. I remember the first time we got together, I had some difficulty getting it up because i was a little anxious, but never had any problems after that. The entire period of our relationship we had really good sex and never had any issues. When we had periods of travelling and had to be apart; I would masturbate thinking of her (nerdy, I know haha).
We broke up eventually, and I moved to a new city to start postgrad school. With my studies, I really had to focus and give myself to it. My program was a real pressure cooker - but I really enjoyed the challenge. I was not focussed on getting a new girlfriend, but I noticed that when I did happen to have a girl over; it was getting very difficult to perform. Some very embarrassing episodes. In my mind, I told myself that I must be affected by the stress of my studies and the weirdness/anxiety of being with a new girl after being with one for so long. I didnt really think that it had anything to do with the much increased PMOing. I beleive I used PMO to deal with the stress of the program and to chill me out. It definately became addictive at the time.
I should probably point out that I'm an athlete and have played a few sports semi-professionally. I train 5-6 days a week and I love fitness. I really watch what I eat. I only mention this because I feel that physically there should ne no issues to why I have had ED (Testosterone levels, etc).
Anyways, I have finished my studies and have little stress - but my sex life is still an issue. Lately, I had been getting disgusted by porn. On my own, I began to think that it was messing with my mind and affecting what I actually found attractive. When I MO'd over the last six months, I would start using porn less, and fantasize about real girls that I knew.
About four weeks ago I got together with a very attractive girl that I liked and coudn't have sex with her. It was the last straw for me. I ended up finding these interesting websites with information from Gary and Marnia. I jumped right in. I'm on day 25 of no PMO.
The first week and a half I was turned on more then normal, but never felt in danger of fapping. My main concern is that I haven't found this too difficult so far. If I truly have an addiction to PMO (or even MO) I thought I might have withdrawal symptoms or something. I'm worried that my libido will be low for the rest of my life. Its cruely ironic; when I was a teenager - i worked very hard to get the opportunity to have sex - but rarely got it. Now that I'm a little older; I find that i can have sex with attractive women with little work - I'm just physically unable to perform.
Anyways, after 25 days I think i have flatlined a little, which I am okay with. I get regular middle of the night/ morning wood; but nothing during the day. Also, I feel alot better spiritually. I think I felt guilty and gross for fapping regularly. If this reboot works, I might try to keep it going. In fact, even if it doesn't - I don't think I want to fap anymore.