The topic of sexuality for myself has always been clouded in mystery. I grew up with a father who was a recluse, single and never ever was with a woman. I don't even know how I exist. He NEVER socialized with anyone and was and is a disinteresting fellow. I love him, but he's still nuts. He's off balance and so am I.
My dad ran away with my sister and I when I was 4. He left my mom with her other two kids but he blocked that connection. He moved to a new town and since this was the time before Facebook, she had zero access to us. No calls and no visiting nothing. I'm 23 now and I saw her for the first time last year. It was an awkward meeting.
The living arrangement had its advantages: I grew up healthy went to college got a degree in 4 years and was the jewel of the family. But it had it's dark side too. I grew up anti-social. My dad never modeled long term relationships and talking to a woman was a foreign concept. I admired my dad so I grew up that way too. Not that I admired that about him. But I always thought that he knew best and he didn't. He had some good ideas: study hard. But even he didn't follow that advice. He worked two jobs all his life and it still sucks.
I don't live with him anymore. And that history haunts me a bit but not enough to make me lose courage, especially because change is possible. At least, that's the spirit of this website, and I believe it. And today is day 11. For the past 7 years the longest I've been without masturbating is 3 weeks. I vow that I will go further than that. I'm 10 days aways and getting this area of my life together is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW. Everything else can wait but this needs to be solved soon. I realize that it may be a bit naive to think that I can rid of this demon (which is not really a demon but chemicals in my brain interplaying with nature and nurture) and just be myself today. But why not? If I fall, I can get back up as long as my commitment is real I will find change.
I had known about this website two years ago and at the time of learning these ideas, my whole life had changed. A combination of courage and knowing that my solitary lifestyle was detrimental, had breathed new life into me. But somehow in the process, I lost momentum and I convinced myself that masturbating wasn't the issue which is not in the least bit true. It drains me. It makes me weak. I feel horrendous afterward and my will to live, goes away. Nature has its own rules and if I fail to follow them or seek a shortcut like through masturbating my sex drive away, it will put the brakes and make this existence only a fraction as enjoyable as it should have been.
As for porn, I am not a STRONG addict to it but at the same time I'm not a weak addict to it either. I don't watch it for hours and never have (because once I'm done I'm done) but I have used it previously. I hate it. It's a fantasy. Why live in an alternate reality? Why not just exist today?