Take 2

Submitted by whoops on
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The topic of sexuality for myself has always been clouded in mystery. I grew up with a father who was a recluse, single and never ever was with a woman. I don't even know how I exist. He NEVER socialized with anyone and was and is a disinteresting fellow. I love him, but he's still nuts. He's off balance and so am I.

My dad ran away with my sister and I when I was 4. He left my mom with her other two kids but he blocked that connection. He moved to a new town and since this was the time before Facebook, she had zero access to us. No calls and no visiting nothing. I'm 23 now and I saw her for the first time last year. It was an awkward meeting.

The living arrangement had its advantages: I grew up healthy went to college got a degree in 4 years and was the jewel of the family. But it had it's dark side too. I grew up anti-social. My dad never modeled long term relationships and talking to a woman was a foreign concept. I admired my dad so I grew up that way too. Not that I admired that about him. But I always thought that he knew best and he didn't. He had some good ideas: study hard. But even he didn't follow that advice. He worked two jobs all his life and it still sucks.

I don't live with him anymore. And that history haunts me a bit but not enough to make me lose courage, especially because change is possible. At least, that's the spirit of this website, and I believe it. And today is day 11. For the past 7 years the longest I've been without masturbating is 3 weeks. I vow that I will go further than that. I'm 10 days aways and getting this area of my life together is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW. Everything else can wait but this needs to be solved soon. I realize that it may be a bit naive to think that I can rid of this demon (which is not really a demon but chemicals in my brain interplaying with nature and nurture) and just be myself today. But why not? If I fall, I can get back up as long as my commitment is real I will find change.

I had known about this website two years ago and at the time of learning these ideas, my whole life had changed. A combination of courage and knowing that my solitary lifestyle was detrimental, had breathed new life into me. But somehow in the process, I lost momentum and I convinced myself that masturbating wasn't the issue which is not in the least bit true. It drains me. It makes me weak. I feel horrendous afterward and my will to live, goes away. Nature has its own rules and if I fail to follow them or seek a shortcut like through masturbating my sex drive away, it will put the brakes and make this existence only a fraction as enjoyable as it should have been.

As for porn, I am not a STRONG addict to it but at the same time I'm not a weak addict to it either. I don't watch it for hours and never have (because once I'm done I'm done) but I have used it previously. I hate it. It's a fantasy. Why live in an alternate reality? Why not just exist today?

Comments

Hey Woops,

Hey Woops,

You are way ahead of the curve realizing all this at such a young age. You can be thankful for that. It took me until 44 to get some of the things you already are realizing!

I grew up in a weird family too...not exactly the same but damaging nevertheless. For me to get better, I had to acknowledge the sides of myself that I wanted to reject. My sexuality was a key item. When I rejected my sexuality, it went underground and I ended up in the cycle of addiction. I learned not to kill the demon but to invite the demon into my head and listen to his demands...observe what he was asking me. I used to look at a hot girl and say to myself "stop that or you'll lose it!!" Since then, I've learned that hot girls are hot and that is just the way I respond. So do all guys. But, I then learned to have this conversation with the demon and aknowledge he is really a part of me that I don't want to look at. Once the demon (myself really) is seen and aknowledged the power usually drains away and we can have this rational discussion of where PMO will lead(straight to hell). Turns out that he just wanted attention and not to take me there.

Works for me...not perfect expecially if I am tired but still the best thing I've found. Today is day 168 without PMO.

Woody.

I am thankful

for this indeed! I think I just had no other choice. I think I tried for many years through college to hide it away. During the last two years, I realized I didn't know how to even talk to people. I had bred myself in a way that brought me no joy when I was with another person. Not to mention I had no appreciation for relationships - friendly or intimate. I used to be too cool for life and since then have realized how it's either bond or self-destruct (sexually and non-sexually).

I think that PMO and even just excessive solo-orgasm is all-demanding. It becomes the master and we must follow ONLY it. I think it's just like that book where that guy trades his soul - Faust (never read it). He has everything he thinks he wants (in our case orgasm) but only to find later that he is as empty as it gets.

Great job on day 168! That's incredible and inspiring!