Orgasm on our first try!

Submitted by will22 on
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Days since I have had an orgasm: zero. We had such a lovely evening. Back-to-school night was fine, we had an okay but really enjoyable dinner (I had nothing to drink) and we got back home to catch a little TV and then headed to bed. She was so beautiful. We lit a candle and embraced and talked about what might happen next. We moved slowly and breathed deeply. After probably fifteen or twenty minutes, we decided to connect. I slicked us up with some coconut oil and we assumed one of our favorite comfortable positions, a variation of the scissors position but not quite. We went for probably twenty minutes and it felt really wonderful but I think we were over-lubricated and my erection never got past the 50% mark where it was when we started. Going in soft was by design; I liked the idea of growing inside her. But with all the lube going on I just don’t think we had the friction that was going to allow the proper energy exchange to take place. It felt really good at times, but I was afraid that if I lost any of my erection, that I would not get it back. Hence, there was way too much movement. It was more “mating sex” than it should have been. I attribute this to not being quite hard enough when we started and way too much lubrication. Other than that, I think we had a good chance at a good first session. What amazed me was how out-of-nowhere my orgasm was. One thing I knew was that I was not going to be the one coming during this thing. I wasn’t even fully erect. Slow moving and rocking and just feeling the love and then I start to think: wait, am I getting close here? I pulled out and grabbed the head of my penis to try and calm things down and boom—there it went. I was really let down. I felt like I was starting over and it had been hard enough to get her to this point to being with. It’s so interesting the relationship I have with orgasms now! Being bummed out about it? Isn’t that what we always yearned for? I am resolute to start again because I have had a great week without orgasms. I have lost weight. I feel wonderful. I love my wife. I hope she will start again with me. I want to give her an orgasm to start us off together. I don’t know whether that is such a great idea. For the record, we are brand new to karezza, have been married thirteen years and did not do the exchanges, but have had a great ten days of bonding behaviors. What now?



Learning Process

It is a learning process for both you and your body. Semen retention is hard enough to do on its own. When you are also arousing that energy it can become over whelming. I had several accidental ejaculations when I was first learning to conserve sexual energy. Eventually things settle down and it becomes much easier to bypass ejaculation. You can feel it coming long before it reaches the poinrt no return.

Don't be hard on yourself. Guilt will add nothing to your gowth in sexuality. It will have the opposite effect.

Try to connect with her again as soon as possible.

The body

It seems odd to think of ourselves as needing sexual healing, but it is true. We have habituated ourselves to the superficial style of sex with lots of passion, friction and noise, but not much in the way of deep connection and energetic exchange. It took years to tie ourselves up in sexual knots, and it may take some time to undo all of those knots.

I think the best approach is to just be relaxed and let things open up at their own pace. Your relationship with your body is every bit as complex as the relationship that you have with your wife. They both need time to warm up to the new way of doing things. As long as you are patient and consistent in your intentions, you will succeed.

Send lots of love to your body and tell it what your intentions are. The body has its own intelligence. It knows how to heal itself. It does not need the mind to micromanage it in that respect. Thus, I just tell my body that I intend to be more open in my sexuality and then I give it space to determine exactly how it will go about accomplishing this.

Is it odd that I talk to my body? I suppose, but it also seems to be very effective. I get warm flushes of energy whenever I say something nice to it. It seems to appreciate the fact that it is not being taken for granted any more.

Talking to body

Louie, it's not odd that you talk to your body. Women do it all the time, usually sending their bodies messages of criticism, hatred, and disappointment. Both sexes can learn to speak more lovingly to their bodies, thanking it for its strengths, its abilities and sending it messages of patience, hope and encouragement as we heal ourselves in various ways.

Louie, thanks for your

Louie, thanks for your insight and I agree that patience is going to be a key player here, as with many things. My wife seems to be on board and is telling me what you and elightenmentgirl are: essentially, don't beat yourself up about it. I feel blessed to have found this page, this book, this practice. Onward and upward.


Rule number one when you go over the edge, never beat yourself up. I know, cause I used to do it too. As I've said before, just get up, dust yourself off and climb right back in the saddle. Self flagalation in a man is never a turn on for a woman. Besides, in the beginning you may find yourself going over the edge more than you think which means you'll get bruises from beating yourself up a lot....just kidding.

You WILL get the hang of it if you keep at it. Each time you slip over the edge you get a better sense of how not to.

In the beginning

We found it best to start off real slow. In case theres any ambiguity, I will define this: connect, then lay still. Do not move a single muscle. Lay there for 30 minutes. One of several things will happen by this point. Youll both start to feel nice and pretty content.Youll probably be well in need of a position change because youll have aching bones. (in which case do change positions). You may fall asleep, this is nice let it be. Ok this far so good. Dont worry about your erection it is more or less irrelevent at this stage. The main thing to always remember is not to be worrying and thinking about how it should be. I should be hard, she should be enjoying it bla bla bla, all stuff taking you away from the glorious moment of now. This goes against a vast amount of what we know and think, but you just have to relax. Once youve mastered that, then you can start to move little bits but limited to the upper reaches. Thats my 2c take it or leave it.

One more thing

About erections. In the begnning youll be all self conscious about it. Theres lots of change going on, less reliance on previous excitment crutches, and lots of well, self consciousness. You are all busy thinking about what youre doing. Thats ok, it takes a while for this to bed in.

Consequently in the beginning your erection might seem to be hiding to begin with, and when it does finally appear disappears all too readily! Let me assure you that when you get over this newness stage your erection will be there when you need it. :)

thanks for all your input folks: Couple thoughts/questions

1) The other night our session was going long, and going well, and then I got close to the edge. I stopped, pulled out, pressed a couple fingers on my perineum and breathed deeply. Then arrived what felt like an orgasm in the muscular sense, i.e., there was a familiar spasming sensation, but no noticeable emission and no feeling of exhaustion and let-downedness that accompanies orgasm these days (since we have started this karezza journey). What was that? I don't feel like I'm in the passion cycle. Am I?

2) I guess I know the technical answer to this, but for argument's sake, can oral sex ever play a part in gentle, slow, non-orgasmic sex? My wife and I just enjoy it so much but are trying to play by the rules here. Thanks for your input--we really appreciate it.

I'm new to karezza

And I was wondering the same about oral sex. We have a little of it, non-orgasmically, of course. At this point, I'm rebooting, so I need a little of everything, definitely not too much, I think. I love it, so long as I'm communicating to my partner not to go to far. But karezza oral is so much different, I find, than conventional oral. Just the feel of how she's doing it is just amazing. I think communication is important, especially if you're new to it and you don't know what you're doing.

Just wondering, are there really many rules, other than to slow down and enjoy each other's warm embrace? I ask because since I'm such a karezza newbie I really don't know what goes and what doesn't. We just do it slowly and love each other.

I'm thinking

1) The ejaculate may have gone into your bladder (which is apparently not unusual). Did you notice any cloudiness of your urine? Darryl (forum member) says that when you're learning that technique can be useful, and definitely decreases the intensity of both the climax and the hangover. Glad you're not feeling any letdown. Do you feel a chaser? Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

2) I couldn't handle oral as it just led to escalation and orgasm,Wacko so I don't recommend it in our book. But everyone should work out what's best for them.

In general, the "goal" of karezza is to make the connection between genitals do most of the "talking." The sensitivity and pleasure increase with time, and some people find that oral then seems like...well...unnecessary. But there's no wrong or right.


You most likely had an ejaculation it just didn't leave your body. Pressing on the perineum blocks the semen from coming out but not from leaving your testicles. The level of energy and erection loss depends on the individual and your age. I have done it in the past when an ejaculation is imminent as I noticed a full release did leave me drained. My view is to stop a little sooner rather than making this technique a habit, your call.

I also observe that using this technique can actually dump you into the the ejaculatory response. If you do use it in the future I suggest stopping and squeezing firmly with the perineum muscles first and see if you can hold on that way. If its obvious you are going over the edge then use the fingers. That's my take.

As far as oral sex goes, here is my take. If your committed to moving away from orgasm then I suggest staying away from activities that make that commitment harder. If oral sex jazzes you up so you find yourself wanting to go over the edge or raises your level of stimulation to the point where you have to calm yourself down, then I would pass on oral sex or keep it short. If its simply something you both enjoy and doesn't heat you way up, more of a soothing warm up then feel your way with it. You could also try a couple of karezza sessions with a little oral sex and then a few without and observe the difference.

There is another piece to this picture I think applies. Karezza is not just enjoying sex without orgasm but an awakening of a deeper conversation between the penis and vagina that radiates outward throughout the whole body which expands and grows over time. Removing orgasm creates a space for this new connective language to develop. This kind of "conversation" does not happen between the mouth and genitals. I am not inferring that oral sex is somehow "less than", it can be quite fun obviously, just that there is something deeper that you're aiming for. Its all a grand exploration really, and you'll find your way, which luckily, is unique to the combination that only the both of you can create.

A thought

Warning ... Potential Triggering materials ahead ...

I have read in more than one place that the tounge is also a strong transmitter of sexual energy, as are the hands and the eyes. My wife and I do not do oral, but she absolutely loves it when I use my tounge to play with her nipples. She says it is like having a small jolt of electricity go through them. On one occasion she had an orgasm just from me playing with her nipples.

So, I think that it is possible for the tounge and the penis, or the tounge and the clitoris to have a "conversation" although I do not think it would be as powerful as what intercourse provides. Perhaps you can start with slow oral and then progress to intercourse. Oral by itself might not provide the depth of connection that you want.

More thoughts

I was thinking about your post and what I said, and wanted to add a little more.

While I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with using the semen retention technique, it does imply an ejaculation control approach to lovemaking. Ejaculation control is core to Taoist sexual practices, which is actually where I started. There was no information about karezza at that time and I merrily went along in a ejaculation control mode. At the time it was infinitely better than the conventional approach I was used to.

As time went buy I realized I didnt want to be in a "control" mode but rather in a "flow" mode. The control mode meant there was a build up of tension and I was preferring the relaxed state which didnt require control.The thing about ejaculation control, is the focus on control. And the need for control is a build up of energy to the point where it needs to be controlled. I would say that I moved from ejaculation control to being non-ejaculatory. There two very distinctly different body spaces. One, the genitals tense up and require control, (a state of effort). The other, they stay relaxed and more connected with my partner, (a state of awareness)