Okay this is the first site of this site I have ever joined, although I have tried this on my own a few times. I know this site is about openness, but I am going to be very detailed, so if you are squeamish.. look away now!
I think I have 3 separate but kind of linked problems,
1. I have a huge femdom/BDSM/foot fetish
2. I masturbate in a weird way, which causes something called TMS ( This is a link to a website explaining what it is - http://www.healthystrokes.com/index.html )
3. I don't find the vagina a turn on ( No offense girls!! )
Okay I'll start with number 2 as I think that is easiest. I masturbate by lying on my stomach and rubbing my penis up and down. I've done this for as long as I can remember. I can now masturbate using my hands and try to do so more, but I always relapse. I've seen a few people say it is rubbish that TMS is harmful, but I know from experience it is. It makes my penis desensitize to anything else.
Now onto the minefield that is number 1!
It started off as a fairly tame fetish. I have always liked girls feet, and have always liked controlling girls. As I got older the fetish became more extreme, I became interested in face sitting, armpit licking, and a lot of other things in that way. Then it got about as high up the chain as it can go, I started masturbating to videos of males being used as girls toilets. Yes, toilets, the whole shebang.
From what I have read I am pretty sure most of my fantasies are just that - fantasies. If I experienced them all in real life would I enjoy them? Probably not, well not for most of them.
This links in with number 3. When I see a pretty girl, I never think ' Wow i'd like to have sex with her'. Because the thought of a penis entering a vagina has never been a big turn on for me. When I really try, cold turkey from porn and concentrate on sex I can ejaculate from it, and it does turn me on, but as a rule, not much. Instead I see a girl and think, 'Wow I'd be her footslave/toilet/etc etc'.
The thought of touching or say. tickling a girls private parts actually makes me cringe a little. Sex doesn't, nor does going down on them, but touching it with fingers does!
So before you get so bored you launch your computer out of the window, I'll summarize my life as quickly as I can:
I have always been a bit of what Americans call, 'a jock'. As much as I don't like the stereotyping, I've always been a sportsman, and my group of friends have always been the group that the hot girls hang around with. I was always just the friend with those girls though, either I was just too nice or I just don't make the right moves, who knows.
That being said I have been out with a lot of girls, I just never get anywhere! My first problem came when a girl I was with for a couple of months talked about having sex, I was 17/18 at the time. She wasn't into foreplay so when we were on the bed kissing we just both got undressed and went to do it. My erection disappeared. Several times I went into the other room, lay down and rubbed myself on the bed to get erect then went back, lost erection every time!
That's my experience of trying to lose my virginity. Now I'm so worried it will happen again I'm breaking up with girls before we get to that stage, purely because i'm so worried.
I've now been out a few times with a girl who is twenty four, and frankly stunning, in looks and personality. She knows nothing about any of this and I can't possibly tell her, but I don't want to try to have sex with her and just fail, her being older especially, would be even more humiliating.
So hopefully this is the time I give up with the constant femdom porn and never relapse. If you've read this far then I genuinely want to thank you, just getting this down has felt good, and if any of you have any tips / encouragement / psychiatrists numbers, they would be very much appreciated
Wish Me Luck.