Messing up

Submitted by woody0294 on
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Haven't been back in a while and just fell off the wagon -curse it.

I've had tremendous chaser that has been relentless after MO which I thought was going to be OK and it was not. Chaser has been huge this week- UGGGH.

Lasts for a couple of days and seems to be exacerbated (no pun) by stress from work.

Sorry to vent. 291 days into a reboot and I thought this thing was not an issue but it is clearly is not done with me yet.

Thoughts on how to stop this in its tracks and get back on are appreciated.

Woody

Comments

Hi

I am in a similar situation.....I slipped after a long time and had a big binge. However I have found it a bit easier to get back on track this time. More motivated this time too as I think that if I was too slip again then that really would be failure where as once is a 'hiccup' and I can move on forward.
It has made me think that I really need to keep working at it for a long time. I slipped when I hadn't come on here for about 2 months and thought that I had beaten it.

Just remember what you did to get on top of it last time and get back into that habit. Also remember all the benefits you experienced from staying quit.

Lastly I think that science is own our side this time. The neural pathways may have been awakened and they have been used but they have remained un-used for longer prior to this so since you started you have kept them subdued for way longer then they had been previously.

All the best and stick at it!

Thank you IM 1969,

Thank you IM 1969,

So far made it through today...no major pull to the PMO. In a weird kind of way, posting here seems to be like drawing a line in the sand for me...really helps.

I appreciate your encouragement. Yesterday was just a day that everything came unglued. I think that what upset me so bad was all of the joy and pride that I had taken in overcoming this nightmare. Knowing the science and especially about the chaser effect is very helpful. And, thinking about all the benefits is also a plus.

I've read with great interest the CPA book by Marnia and have been tracking my feelings after an orgasm and I did not think it really affected me much but I do see that after any "O", the emotional meter goes down on a scale of 1 to 10 to under 5. After a week or 10 days, I am at 7+. After the short binge yesterday I hit a 1 feeling like crap. So just knowing I can get my emotions straight is also a big motivator.

Woody

I perhaps spend too much time reminding myself

of a couple of things - one, admittedly specific to me - is that the M/O monster is always right there over my shoulder, or breathing down my neck, waiting for me to not pay attention. I do tend to feel exhausted sometimes with the constant "vigilance" on myself. But, then I remember something - whether it's for the simple physical rush, whether it's feelings of rejection by spouse, whether it's one of life's stresses or a foolish anxiety on my part that makes me want to M/O, once or on a binge - I'm not a sex addict at all - but I am without a doubt a masturbation addict. I was told by a counselor once (one of the few things that she and I did manage to communicate clearly on) that, whether sex addict or even masturbation addict - if one is an alcoholic or drug addict, it's rather implicit that those things be elminated entirely, zero tolerance for them again. But it's not like that for varying forms of sexual or masturbation addiction - theoretically sex will play a part in your life, with someone or solo - so total avoidance/total abstinence isn't realistic, a healthy level that incorporates sex into one's life has to be found.

Thank you Lazarus and all

Thank you Lazarus and all really good points...

I have almost the exact same thinking on this situation. I was wondering how you incorporate / manage a healthy level ? And, do you get the chaser and how do you handle the chaser when you do?

Woody

Um....

since I've been away from the site for some time, I confess ignorance - tell me what the chaser is, and I'll tell you if and how I handle it !

Thanks Marnia ! Something I

Thanks Marnia ! Something I've been working on. I have a very strong internal critic and few people I can trust to discuss this area of challenge in my life. It really helps to have encouragement and acceptance.

Woody.

I can see, said the blind man...

to his deaf daughter. Ok, now that I know what the chaser is, the answer is, it depends.

If ithe O came from joint sexual interaction, I'm a switch that can't easily be flipped off - I'm usually diving headlong into wanting my next one - or more often, her next one - without even taking a breath. My primary unhealthy 'motive" for addiction, is the response, arousal, orgasm of her. I tend to embrace the chaser and just keep going untll she moves away or leaves, in extreme cases.

If I do an anxiety/stress related M/O thingie, it usually had a calming/soothing effect, and I hit this nearly immediate "ok, that's done, tick it off the list, move on to the next priority" sort of place. Like I just ticked an item off the grocery list - i know it sounds strange, but the stress-driven/anxiety/compulsive M/O is not really a sexual thing, it's not accompanied with sexual urges or shame - it's rather frighteningly like taking ibuprofen for a headache, but the effect is nearly immediate - things FEEL clear, things FEEL sane, afterwards. Obviously they're really not, because M/O is not a healthy or natural response to stress/anxiety. So on the stress-driven M/O, it's like flipping a switch to get to a (falsely) better mental state/place by a fucked up means. No chaser in these cases - it was exactly (what I'd trained myself to think) I needed.

Now, if I M/O because of some sexual compulsion, driven by desire for my wife - that's an ugly one, and that's where I guess for me the chaser comes in. Those happen either because I have the chance, and want to enjoy my body or the orgasm thinking of my wife - or because it's my juvenile insecure reaction to her not returning interest/desire at the moment, or something similar like she's orgasm sated or overloaded or whatever the reason is. On those instances, I've either jumped into the followup repeat immediately or shortly after with both feet - so if anything I suppose I chase after the chaser as fast as I can and revel in it, occasionally. Not the most prevalent post-O occurrence though for my M/O events - I'm usually wanting to get away from the whole thing as soon as possible. Feeling dirty/shamed/out of control for having done so, hating myself for letting me victimize myself this way again, feeling like a totally pathetic dumb ass that despite all the bad times in the bedroom with us historically, i still can't get her out of my head and that I "let her fuck up my quality masturbation time". Those instances - frequently very rare, now that I'm usually locked down - are the worst - I want away from where ever I did it, don't want to see/touch my body, I'll run past the bedroom mirror to get my clothes so that I don't even have to look at myself literally or figuratively in the mirror - and sometimes, it's even meant that I was running for the shower because I wanted the self perceived "filth" of what I'd done off me, it's like i wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Thanks Lazarus!

Thanks Lazarus!

Great explanation. I do think that your desire for your wife and even the kind of compulsive drive to M/O for her beats the heck out of my situation. I am a recovering porn addict so I can get lost and out of control in that world and it is not even a real person! I do think Marnia has some good advice for understanding the whole sex / satiation dynamic - Cupid's Arrow has some nice insight and of course the this web site too.

Woody