Higher Highs, Lower Lows and Sensitive Breasts

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General status: no M or O for 3 months and despite all intents and purposes, single. I've been tracking my moods diligently for 6 weeks, which I've found both helpful and fascinating. The biggest result from this is that I've become increasingly sensitive to feelings in my body and my mind, including my moods.

I would never describe myself as moody, but I have my moments. Like this weekend. On Thursday night I was on day 15 of what I'd recorded consistently as either "positive" or "excited/energized" moods. Although life is far from perfect (poverty, single parenting and a million global issues to feel despairingly about are among some of the bigger things that bug me), I wrote in my journal that I feel 'on top of the world' and 'nothing could possibly phase me".

Then I woke up and everything phased me for approximately 30 hours (minus one relatively good night sleep in there). During the worst moments I cried for 3 hours straight, then I raged in my head for 4 hours and I was overly tough on my kid. I then decided to haul some junk which involved some legitimate throwing and smashing. That helped.

But I felt so intensely low that the thought "maybe if I just masturbate a bit to some cuddle fantasy, without orgasming, I'll give myself a little dose of oxytocin and maybe bring my dopamine up a bit. Alas, I'm so super sensitive that I orgasmed a highly anti-climatic orgasm within a minute - and then spent a few hours angry that I'd now be spending the next 2 weeks with an O hangover for that lousy second of disappointing pleasure.

Then today I awoke perfectly cheerful. High almost. And I started my period.

I don't recall PMS ever being THIS strong. Any women out there experiencing more intense PMS while going without orgasm? [I've ruled out health and diet, cause it's all pretty good] My theory at the moment is that I'm generally positive and so my brain's now getting used to being more balanced neurochemically but when the menstrual hormones kick in, my brain's completely thrown off by it as opposed to when my brain's working that much harder to keep the balance after orgasm. Kind of like if you were walking down the street without a care in the world and someone jumps out of no where and mugs you - you'd be completely thrown off right? As opposed to walking down the street with a chip on your shoulder carrying your keys like a knife, ready for anything to come at you.

[I really hope that O was so minimal as to be ineffectual on my brain chemistry.]

Another thing I'm noticing is how incredibly sensitive my breasts are. My breasts have been quite sensitive for me during sex ever since I got pregnant, but now they're sensitive all the time. I'm aware of their presence throughout the day in a way I never have been (except for the years I was breast feeding) and they'll be stimulated by the simplest touch, including my clothes. I was cuddling with a friend and it crossed over innocently enough to some breast/nipple touch and it just about sent me through the roof right then and there. I would also tell you that they've increased a full cup size this past month, but then you might think I'm delusional.

I have to say that I'm very much looking forward to sharing this new sensitivity with my next partner!

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another observation

My partner Sparkles is post-menopausal but she began getting hot flashes again since she became largely non-orgasmic. Weirdly enough.

Anyway, great going with the breast senstivity. That is a very good thing. Have you read Diana Richardson's misnamed Tantric Orgasm for Women this is actually about non-orgasmic wonderfulness?

Sparkles remains ticklish and breast-defensive with me. I'm hoping that someday that will turn into erotic sensitiveness and that she will work through whatever pain is reflected there.

Sorry about your difficulties in life. We all go through that at some points. It's helpful to anchor our attention in our bodies and stay centered that way, I've found.

 

That's interesting, that she

That's interesting, that she started getting hot flashes again. How long had she been without them? Hormones are sooooo fascinating.

I've been reading so much from folks here about that book that I just ordered it at our local bookstore.

And thanks. I know what you mean about anchoring attention in our bodies. One of the things I track along with my moods is both how much I exercise each day and how much time I spend outdoors. It makes a huge difference. Spring is here now, which means I've started working outdoors more, and when that happens, I almost always feel great.

We don't get many reports of

We don't get many reports of female relapse.

With the brain more sensitive, moods can vary more and previously bland experiences can seem overwhelming. It makes me wonder if there is some developmental purpose to this desensitization process that somehow got hijacked.

For me yes my feelings vary

For me yes my feelings vary massively as I am a very passionate person madly in love one second don't want anything to do with you the next. The rage usually comes from sexual frustration for me. Now that I'm rebooted and still not getting puss is mind numbingly frustrating. And dealing with the chicks in my town is just driving me insane I wish people would just be straight forward

Zia wrote:

[quote=Zia]
But I felt so intensely low that the thought "maybe if I just masturbate a bit to some cuddle fantasy, without orgasming, I'll give myself a little dose of oxytocin and maybe bring my dopamine up a bit. Alas, I'm so super sensitive that I orgasmed a highly anti-climatic orgasm within a minute - and then spent a few hours angry that I'd now be spending the next 2 weeks with an O hangover for that lousy second of disappointing pleasure.
[/quote]

It's not only a second of pleasure. It's the pleasure between the moments of orgasm that we're more prone to miss without that yucky withdrawal or orgasm. It takes a lot of time to rewire to not crave orgasm at some point.

When I was masturbating and

When I was masturbating and having really ecstatic orgasms (not the pathetic one the other day which I only went for out of frustration relief), I was noticing that I was really tired the next morning, even more than I remember feeling after sex with orgasm.

breast

I have this feeling also. It is tough on me even though my husband likes sex it is not enough for me. I was a fool and told a girlfriend about my feelings and she blabbed to a ex bf of mine who is a sex addicted. it is tough for me because I feel a connection to him with sex. I think it is the drug serquile I take that is doing it to me. I hate the feeling of being so aroused it makes me feel like a freak

Breasts~

I saw where you had ordered Diana's book for women and I think that is great.

She advises women to nurture their breasts, love them, cycle energy through them throughout the day, which is what I have done and I've also had an increase in my cup size. (had to buy all new bras last summer)

If you can continue to do this on your own, when the time comes for you to be with a lover, let him focus on your breasts as well and I think you will have feelings you've never had before! For me, it has been the most wonderfully amazing thing to happen to me.

My lover and I no longer engage in "conventional" foreplay (attention to clitoris), but instead, he showers affection upon my breasts and I cannot begin to tell you how much it makes me want him. And him want me.

Diana says attention to the clitoris actually closes the vagina off and I agree with that 1000% in my own experience. For me, my breasts are the key to my sexuality.

Keep positive thoughts for drawing a karezza lover into your life! It will happen~~

You mean I'm not delusional!

You mean I'm not delusional!

Every night as I'm going to sleep I've been resting my hand on my breasts before I go to sleep instead of masturbating. I find it quite relaxing. Sometimes I've been trying to cycle energy up through to my breasts and out my heart area, either when I'm laying in my bed or just for practice during the day. I was doing this after reading one of your posts about loving through your breasts. I never thought about it increasing my breast size. Bonus, if I keep this up, I'll be back to my pre-nursing cup size soon!

My daughter, long after stopping nursing, would still reach her hand down my shirt and rest her hand on my breast over my nipples and it always felt like that was her source of comfort or way to relax and connect with me. Sometimes I felt irritated by it, and would stop her (and her reaction was always intense and I felt like I was denying her a basic need). Often it was very relaxing for me too, especially cause her energy would slow down and we could connect on a more similar rhythm. Now that I think about it, she's only really stopped that this year.

I can't wait to have my next lover focus on my breasts. I'm all over this idea of breasts and receptivity. Since I've stopped MO, I've had a couple cuddle/massage sessions with friends that got a bit arousing, and it was my breasts that wanted the attention, not my clit like it would have in the past.

I can believe that attention to the clitoris closes off the vagina. I'm sure I'll get it even more when I'm practicing Karezza with someone, but when I recall how I felt at different times with different sexual partners, even though we were having conventional sex, I remember a feeling of conflict in me where part of me was wanting to and feeling really open and receptive and really just wanting to have my partner's penis inside me not even moving, but just in me fully. At the same time there would be this other part of me with this aching in my clit and it was driving me away from that other feeling of receptivity and wanting to move fast and furious, but would then be dissatisfying in a way cause I'd want more and more but at the same time was losing sensitivity. Does that make sense?

Not delusional!

I don't think you're delusional, Zia~~I think there is something about reclaiming your breasts as your positive pole and how that relates to reclaiming femininity, that can make your breasts respond in this way. I do believe the conventional way of having sex (energy going down and out through attention on the clitoris with hardly any time with the penis deep in the vagina), over time, can cause a woman to lose some of her femininity. Look around at older, long-time couples and you might see what I mean.

It's funny because I always knew instinctively this is how I wanted to make love. The oral foreplay (involving the clitoris) was always something I just tolerated and never really enjoyed. I couldn't wait to get to penetration. And I wanted my breasts touched, too, but that rarely happened and I was never with a man who could make the deep penetration last for more than a few seconds! I now feel like I've "come home" to my sexuality and my femininity. This is what I've always wanted and I feel so balanced and whole and beautiful.

When you find your lover, don't be afraid to touch your own breasts and nipples during lovemaking. Some positions (like scissors) are perfect for touching yourself and I don't think your man will mind. Smile It's so freeing to take charge of your own experience.

Good luck~~

Thanks for making that

Thanks for making that connection to reclaiming femininity. That has been a real journey for me this past year.

Although I was having orgasmic sex with my last few sexual partners, I have found a lot of pleasure in that (especially oral clitoris stimulation) and had discovered how to take charge of my experience through self touch and mutual masturbation, including touching my own breasts and nipples. What I'm remembering is an often subtle, but real, feeling of always wanting more and more. Even when I've had really 'good' sex with long deep penetration and a great orgasm, I still haven't felt fully relaxed afterwards. Even after intense ecstatic orgasms, there's some part of me that always feels a little disappointed or at least wanting more. So I'm really drawn to the concepts and experiences of people practicing karezza. Although my main draw to this is really to get out of the passion cycle. If orgasmic sex didn't lead to hangovers, I'd probably be perfectly content in continuing on that path of erotic discovery...as well as non orgasmic intercourse, because I'm really drawn to how to increase sensitivity.

I have a similar perception

for me, conventional sex was kind of lonely. It was me in my fantasy world, although I didn't imagine other women. And my partner in her fantasy world. We would use sexy talk to stimulate each other. But add it up and we were in our own worlds. Then there was the effort required to reach orgasm, then all of a sudden it was over and what now? There was this immense let-down and I always wondered at how this could happen, all those feelings were suddenly gone.

Now, afterwards there is this feeling of floating, this sweet feeling that lingers all day. Completely wonderful and totally different.

 

oh, well my husband and I

oh, well my husband and I were in completely different worlds. I WAS imagining I was with another man...or men or women or whatever would get me that really super high explosive orgasm I was aiming for.

I should correct what I said

I should correct what I said a little bit. I was having sex with my husband in the beginning. Not nearly as present as I know I can be now, but I was at least thinking that I was having sex with him and not off fantasizing that he was someone else. It was after I reached habituation or the end of the passion cycle and our relationship was breaking down and I wasn't really interested in him anymore that I 'had' to use fantasy to get pleasure out of sex with him.

The more subtle difference between being truly connected and present vs being disconnected through wanting orgasm became more apparent with my last sexual partner. I so wanted to be connected and present with him and yet there was something in me that I wasn't aware of completely at the time that was pulling me out of being able to be fully present. And I believe that was that wanting type sexual desire, that drive towards more and more stimulation instead of relaxing into and really feeling the sensations, both physical and emotional, in a deeper way. The same thing happened when we were kissing. I couldn't relax enough to be present with him. He pointed that out to me, although I didn't get it at the time and only felt more anxious. I tried, but the 'wanting type desire' or the strong neurochemical drive was too powerful for me to get out of that state of mind.

Biology can be sneaky

about moving us on to new partners.

However, some days I think we've just so thoroughly forgotten every bit of wisdom about the power of bonding behaviors (in our pursuit of climax at any cost) that we are causing our own problems...and our biological make-up isn't so bad after all. After all, some couples do manage to find that sweet spot without a lot of hard knowledge about bonding behaviors.

That said, humanity (over all) has been struggling with this issue of bonding urges v. mating impulses (and Coolidge Effect) for a long time, so in the long run, it can be a good thing for many of us to hit the wall, rethink things, and experiment more consciously.

Breast size update: For the

Breast size update: For the past 5 years or so since I stopped breast feeding, one of my breasts was significantly smaller than the other - a full cup size for sure. It may have been like this before I was pregnant, but I don't recall. Now, however, since I started doing this breast/energy stuff the past couple of months, my breasts are exactly the same size. It took me a bit to clue in to this, but I've been double checking all week, and it's true, they look exactly the same size. And bigger than before, by about a full cup. If only I could afford a new bra!

Seems like a selling point

Seems like a selling point for some women, even though it's likely results may vary.

Amazing that the body would rebalance and quickly too. We are just energy. There could be some way to trigger genetic checksums that then repair the body. Neuroplasticity didn't exist either so who knows.