Surrounded by ex'es

Zia's picture
Submitted by Zia on
Printer-friendly version

It seems to me that Karezza or healing sex would be great for either those starting a new relationship, those in a relationship or those who still have some commitment and desire to making a relationship work, but once that's gone and the passion cycle has wreaked its havoc with another person, there's not much we can do about it. Am I wrong? I mean, the stuff I'm learning here has helped me to understand and come to peace with (peace is a relative term:) ) what's gone 'wrong' in past sexual dynamics and that's fantastic, but is there anything to help heal those yucky dynamics post relationship?

I'm guessing these are actually rhetorical questions, but if anyone wants to take a stab at them, I'd be pleased to read your thoughts.

Topic:

Comments

Healing

Karezza has helped me to heal my shame, sadness and regret about past failed relationships. I can look back with love (if it actually existed, other wise, I'm looking back in a "lesson learned' attitude ) without blaming myself, or the other person, for the failed relationship. In one case, I've reconnected with some one from a past failed relationship, as friends, and it's been a huge delight to me.

Quizure

Aha, right. So maybe I'll

Aha, right. So maybe I'll find those dynamics shift once I find someone to practice Karezza with. Do you think it's the experience of Karezza that helped you reconnect or is it simply that you are now in another relationship? I find my relationships with ex'es are much better when I'm in a relationship. Being single and 'needy', it's harder. They misinterpret me or something.

I am positive it was the

I am positive it was the experience of Karezza that helped. I've been with my current partner for many years. We've been bisexual/polyamorous/non-monogamous during our time together (15+ years), however, and these relationships both pre-dated this partner, and happened during the period with my partner. (Can it get more complicated?) Karezza has helped in ways I never imagined it would. I had one person who was afraid I wanted to 'restart' the old relationship again, with all of it's drama. Once I reassured her, and her husband (it's complicated, like I said) every thing has been almost magical in the way it's fallen together. I've never been happier, and more sure of my partner's love for me, or my love for him, and the other people in my life that I love. I believe Karezza taught me what love really feels like, and I can feel it anytime I make time / pay attention to it. One of Diane Richardson's books: http://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Love-Feeling-Emotion-Golden/dp/1846942837 really helped me - but I have to say that I read this one after reading, and practicing from all her other books with my partner. So I'm not sure if the whole series helped, or just the one book about love, but it was when I got part way through the Tantric Love book that it all jelled for me. Like a light turned on, and there was no going back. I think the thing that I learned is that I can fully love someone without needing them.

When we're needy, I do think we put out a 'vibe' that other people feel. I no longer feel needy, or desperate, and I used to feel both all the time.

Quizure

Ah yes, but how to not feel

Ah yes, but how to not feel needy when you're single and *needing* affection. Thanks for sharing your story. I can imagine how being in a karezza relationship would bring tremendous security and how that security you feel would put others, including past lovers, at ease. I'm feeling more confident and secure in my commitment to being in a karezza relationship, but finding that since technically it's still a theoretical commitment, so I'm not quite radiating the confidence and security that might put others at ease.

And I get the complications of bisexuality and poly living...that's partly why I'm surrounded by ex'es.

I get it.

I get it.

I'm a lesbian and the lesbian community usually means "surrounded by ex'es". And I think that the passion cycle is exactly the reason for this... lesbian women tend to jump right into relationships with each other and get sexual very quickly, we tend to have these brief intense affairs where we get involved then a week after we've met, we don't leave the bed for a month. But then we go through these very dramatic ups and downs, with lots of insecurity and headgames, because of the passion cycle wreaking havoc (I am CONVINCED that's why it happens that way), and break up after two years, only to plunge right into the same relationship all over again with the next one. Or maybe while still even with the previous one.

Before you know it, we've exhausted all potential mates within a community and have no one left. One woman I know now goes to meet women 50 miles away just so that she won't see her exes in bars.

I am a reserved "nerd" personality type and haven't really experienced much of this but it's put me off enough to not even want to bother with anyone in that community.

I've been trying this Freedom

I've been trying this Freedom, with no success. But maybe I just need to think in terms of decades instead of months or even years. Or define success as personal growth:)

Yep Zelin, you sure do get it...that's exactly what I'm living in. I'm looking around sometimes at my friends and thinking 'my goodness, I've slept with all of them.' Well, at least they're still friends!

Does that create awkwardness

Does that create awkwardness for you? Do you make friends with committed non-poly people or people of incompatible orientation?

I am a pretty traditional monogamous person (more than even is the norm for the lesbian community) and tend to be uncomfortable with people around who have had sex with me... most of my friends tend to be a mix of gay men and straight people because of the lower drama quotient...

Can you say more about that?

Can you say more about that? I've noticed that a lot of women are not interested in friendship. They date and discard rather quickly and then wonder why they can't find a guy. I try to keep things going and eventually give up. This happens even where we each like each other in some ways, sometimes one of us a lot, and when there might be strong boundaries like her becoming engaged. Maybe this rejection as partner but ok as friend triggers insecurities for women. Maybe it depends who feels rejected romantically. I've not been in the position where I've felt rejected romantically. 

Well... I can admit that I

Well... I can admit that I have trouble being platonic friends with lesbians (with exception of a couple who are significantly older than me and I was friends with both) because for the most part, unless I'm lucky enough to find a very *secure* couple and be friends with both of them, then I'm awkwardly trying to be friends with half of a couple (which is very problematic) or I am asking myself why my friend doesn't want to date me, or dealing with the fact that I don't want to date them. I've yet to be friends with a single lesbian where the "dating tension" hasn't reared its ugly head. Or we've dated but it turns out we don't really have enough in common socially to even be friends.

However - that still leaves a huge population of *everyone else* to befriend! I'm friends with a number of straight women. I've long since dealt with my attraction to them and I have to handle my feelings quite a bit, but it still doesn't feel like it feels to be rejected by a gay woman.

My closest friends have actually always been gay men and I have a number of straight and bi male friends. I have not dated the majority of my platonic friends.

It's totally possible to be friends with people without "dating tension" or sexual/romantic history.

Maybe it is harder when you're bi, because that means you potentially have sexual tension with *most people*. It may also be harder in the bi-poly corner of the universe because in an exclusively bi-poly social group, everyone is theoretically fair game for everyone else. I can see how polyamorous people may end up hanging out in very small subcultural social corners, because a lot of monogamous people feel threatened by poly people and have this irrational fear that if their mate hangs out with a poly person, the mate will catch Teh Poly. So with the amount of misunderstanding and intolerance out there, you may be somewhat forced to mostly socialize with other poly folk, which always brings up the questions "so do we date each other?" and the whole social scene becomes one huge pool where there are no real boundaries between lover and friend.

It's probably like being gay in a less tolerant community (you end up mostly socializing with other gay people because of the trust issues and tolerance issues).

In my own immediate social group, polies are more tolerated, while half of the group is still not poly nor are most people bi let alone gay. There are also a lot of stable, long term monogamous couples. This means that a polyamorous person could walk into a party and not have sexual history with half of the room... but there's still the other half. I've noticed that poly people seem to also be more extroverted than monogamous people.

I actually always wished it could work for me. I just know myself pretty well and know it wouldn't.

Hey, the lesbian community is a tight little pool of weak boundaries between lover and friend, too (and an increasing number are poly, possibly to address that issue). And sometimes the exes still act like lovers even after the new person has entered their lives, and they tend to jump ship from one relationship to the next with no period of "singleness" in between.

But yeah, I do get where the OP is coming from.

It can be like that in any tiny, tiny subculture that tends to be exclusive.