So today I have made it 93 full days without any PMO. I did MO to sensation 4 times, on days 64, 65, 70, and 81. Yesterday I did have the urge but resisted. It is interesting that the urge was so strong yesterday because it was 11 days after my last MO session, which was 11 days before the previous time I had MO'd. Maybe that is my body's arousal cycle. Anyways, the week following the 3 MO's in one week was kind of bad. I felt deflated and really had a shitty week. I almost broke up with my girlfriend, but then decided against it because I suspected that my mood was related to the orgasms and maybe it was just a perception thing (I viewed her much more negatively than I usually do). After the MO on day 81 I felt like shit also for a couple days. So basically, I feel like MO'ing on day 64 to re-awaken my libido worked. I do have much more spontaneous erections/ morning wood and feel the urge every once in a while now. But at the same time I feel like those MO's were detrimental because they affected my mood so much afterwards. Also, I don't want to get in a habit of masturbating again. I feel great psychologically the longer I go without having an orgasm. I am much more confident and self assured the longer I go without orgasm. So as far as my body goes, the flatline seems to be over and I feel like I would have no issues with it working if I were in a sexual situation.
So, since I mentioned that I have a girlfriend, I suppose that makes you wonder why I haven't found myself in a sexual situation yet. I started dating her like 11 days into this reboot and assumed the lack of "spark" or sexual attraction was totally my fault for not having a libido and being in a flatline for so long. I told her about it and she was cool with not having sex. I think she is physically attractive but I don't feel the mutual attraction from her (so I kind of just blamed myself). Later in the relationship though I found out that she used to date girls (that's what she started dating... then her parents sent her to counselling when they found out). She has had one boyfriend who she dated mostly long distance for a couple years and has told me of every sexual encounter she has ever had. She has reassured me that she likes penis too much to be a lesbian. I was accepting of all of this and have been really working on just accepting what is. Well now that my libido seems to be returning, I really feel like she isn't even attracted to me. I need to explain further....
My girlfriend hasn't opened up to me at all. I am a very sensitive person and need to talk about my feelings. She never tells me anything of her feelings and basically keeps them all inside. She says that she doesn't know how to talk about her feelings... I don't know how to deal with this because I really need to know what she thinks and feels. It makes me feel like she can't trust me. I have told her this before and she just kind of blankly stares at me... I started looking up some of her blogs and stuff online (I had made a resolution to myself not to stalk her online activity, but the lack of information from her mouth made me curious). She posts a bunch of videos and stuff about love but there are many pictures of gay couples... and she has written a bunch of fan fiction stories about anime stuff that is super weird to me (like gay dudes getting each other pregnant). Even though she wrote these articles a few years ago, it really makes me question who she is. So basically, all of this was kind of a shock to me. I mean, whatever floats your boat. But she never has told me she is in to any of this kind of stuff and I feel like she is protecting herself by not opening up to me. After seeing some of her blogs and stuff online I have this deep suspicion that she is a lesbian but she is trying to convince herself that she isn't (probably because of her family's reaction). I really don't see how I can continue having a relationship with her when I feel this way. I don't want to bring up my suspicions either because I feel like that's something she needs to realize on her own. She always acts confused and indifferent about everything and I feel like that is a reflection of an inner conflict in her life that she hasn't resolved yet (her sexuality).
I don't know what to do. This whole thing kind of sucks. I like her, and I do see bits of her liking me. But at the same time I don't feel like this relationship is at all natural. I blamed myself at first because of my issues with PMO but I'm beginning to think she has some issues of her own, and I can't be the one to realize them for her. Tomorrow I'm planning on being really honest with her about how I feel, that her not opening up to me is a deal-breaker because I need affection and need to KNOW her. Two and a half months is a long time to be with someone and know nothing of who they are I think. For a long while I thought I could get her to open up just by loving her and pouring my energy into her, but I really think that she just is who she is and I can't fool myself into thinking she will ever change. Anyways... thanks for reading this. Any insight you might have would be appreciated. This has been a conflict in my mind for quite a while now.