Need Relationship Advice Please!

Submitted by Ziggy on
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So I am in kind of a dilemma here and need some advice. I have been seeing a girl now for two months that I really like. She is interested in all the same things I am and is a really cool person. As I mentioned in my last post, I have felt like there is a wall between her and myself and for a long while I thought it was because of my inability to have sex with her (64 days no PMO). So, I talked to her about my old habit and what I was doing to fix it and she seemed to accept it fully. She never pressured me to have sex or anything and stuck around so I was really cool with it. The only thing is, I really like her and still feel like there is an emotional wall between us. I have been trying bonding behaviors with her and focusing all my love and energy on her when I am with her. I feel like she has responded some and has been opening up with me more lately. The other night she was showing some signs of aggression (rubbing my head, but really hard… just weird shit like that). So I asked her what was up with her aggression and she offhand mentioned that she really still hated her ex (who dumped her in June…. And I met her at the end of August). Now that I think about it, I feel like she has mentioned her ex more than anyone would who was over it. So I talked to my dad about it, and realized that I am basically a rebound… which kind of sucks…

So my dilemma is, one the one hand, she has been opening up to me more and has told me a little of her feelings. She doesn’t go into details and often cops out by saying she doesn’t know how to put her feelings into words. She doesn’t talk a lot about anything really, she just seems pent up inside herself… like she isn’t fully able to trust me or something… but she has been opening up to me a little more each time it seems like. If I leave her now, I feel like it will compound her issues with her emotional wall (opens up only to get dumped- logical conclusion- don’t open up to anyone ever again). So I don’t just want to dump her, but on the other hand, I don’t want to be strung along as a rebound either if she doesn’t even really like me. I can’t really tell because she never talks about her feelings with me, but I really like her and I am very open and honest with her. It just feels very one-sided right now. I feel partially indebted to her for putting up with my no-PMO and dead dick problems and that I should stick around for her to resolve her issues. Is it possible though for her to get over someone while she is with someone else? What should I do? Should I just lay out my dilemma for her and let her decide what she thinks is best?


I wouldn't be too quick to bolt

I think an honest discussion could be good. Maybe if you say you're feeling insecure because you don't know her true feelings, it'll make it safe for her to finish her emotional housecleaning.

Also, keep in mind that oxytocin (bonding behaviors) are the best way to erase and replace memories of an old romance with strong feelings about a new romance. Oxytocin is how ewes let go of their attachment to last year's lamb and get bonded to this year's lamb. Powerful stuff.

In other words, your therapy could be working. She might welcome a chance to get clear about her feelings, and even if she's not ready for a full relationship, you two might make excellent cuddle buddies.

Don't give up yet. Find our where her head is. Your questions may help her get her priorities straight. Wink

Thanks for your response

Thanks for getting back to me. Like I said, I really like her and don't want to bolt... I guess the initial realization of being a rebound kind of scared me because I don't want to be strung along for nothing. I do think it is all unconscious behavior to her so I can't really be mad that it happened. I will have an honest conversation with her about my concerns and insecurities and see where it goes. I will continue focusing all my love and energy on her and hopefully that will help her heal.

Who knows?

It could turn out that the timing is perfect for you both. You needed time to reboot; she needed time to heal her hurt feelings.

BTW, if she wants to understand what probably happened in her last relationship...she may want to read our book. Or at least this article: What If She Were Always in the Mood? Humans have a lot to learn about their sexuality. Most of the lesson come the hard way at the moment. Sad


Thanks for the support. I just needed to sleep on this a day and hear someone else say what you have said. I talked to my dad and I feel like what you're saying is true. I need to be here for her and just keep being my loving self no matter what. I did recently purchase a bunch of books on Amazon because of my new found energy for learning and reading anything that will help me understand human behavior better. I did purchase a copy of your book and will start reading it soon. I feel like I've had the greatest clarity I've ever experienced in my life because of this no-PMO journey. I had never found the strength to quit before your websites explained everything to me and it all made sense. Thank you so much for everything you do! I'm feeling very optimistic today and feel like I need to express my appreciation for all your support!

I have sort of a similar

I have sort of a similar issue here with my girlfriend. But it's nothing about any ex or...we are togheder for 7 months and she is still closed , she is introverted kind of person, that means she is very interiorised, ofocrse there are people , like her best friends (a group of girls) and she is more opened up to them than to me(still not as open as a normal girl), that was upseting me and makeing me sad. I really tried alot of things but nothing really works...soo . I think you should wait , 2 months isn't that much, things may change in better if you are patient. If you see nothing is changeing or it gets worst, talk to her, tell her about it and see how she will react.

Thank you for the reminder

Thank you for the reminder to be patient. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and just need to take a deep breath and be still to figure out what is best. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Thank you for reminding me of the value of patience. Patience is my friend, especially when I'm working on a no-PMO rehabilitation myself.