First time sex with new partner

Submitted by Ahab on
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I'm looking for some pointers for having sex the first time with a new partner.

I found that with some partners it clicked right away, but more often it has to grow. And I was always wondering if we should talk about sex before we do it, or just do it. What do you think? And what is a good time for first sex (first date, 10th date)?

On that note, Id like to adress this question on this forum too: Somehow the women I've been with all wanted to be taken during penitration. Even though foreplay can take a lot of time and is often sweet and fun, when it came to penetration they all wanted only the rough stuff (pounding, dirty talk etc). I'n not opposed to that, but I also like some tenderness during penitration and women don't seem to like that. Just from the first moment on they seemed to want me to go full speed, while I feel more like building it up. I always thought there was something wrong with me. To me it seems impossible to have a real connection during penitration if it can only be the rough stuff. What is your take on this?

That really depends on the woman in question

You're probably not aware of this, but if you read either of Marnia's books, they contain a 3-week program called the Exchanges designed for new couples or for existing couples who want to transition to non-orgasm-based lovemaking. Those recommend at least two weeks of regular snuggling and other intimate nonsexual contact before intercourse. If you want a copy, she can probably send it to you.

There's nothing wrong with you because you want some tenderness during sex, but if you're only dating within certain circles it may be true that most of the women have been conditioned in certain ways to think that rough sex is the only kind of good sex. Sorry to state the obvious again, but unless you ask women what they are expecting or wanting *before* getting into bed with them, you have no control whatsoever what they will ask for. So my suggestion is that you wait to have sex with the women you are dating until you get to a point where you can be comfortable discussing what you like and want sexually and at what point in the relationship you'd be comfortable doing it. Otherwise it's like diving headfirst into a swimming pool without any idea of what temperature the water is or how deep.

There are those people who think that talking about sex before doing it kills the spontaneity, but I disagree. That would be like saying that looking at the menu before deciding what restaurant you're going to eat at will ruin the surprise! If end up somewhere that doesn't serve anything you actually want, it's a lot easier to back out before you've sat down and they've brought you your appetizers, so to speak, isn't it?

I'm beginning to wonder

if today's young women think that they're supposed to act like porn stars...because they believe that's what will make their partners most bonded to them. (After all, they may know that lots of men their age are watching a lot of porn, and draw a logical conclusion about what the guys find appealing.)

If so, I fear these women are destined for disappointment. They could end up feeling like the "sixth rubber doll" in a growing collection. (See 10cc's posts for the reference.)


I'm male, so I don't really know why the women were wanting pounding and no tenderness. However, in my experience, both having sex and talking with my female friends about sex, I think they're wanting orgasm. Women need more stimulation than men, so it takes a long time of "pounding" to get them there. The talking dirty part is probably because it's arousing for them to think of sex as dirty and to be doing a forbidden act. This is a separate issue. Or actually, maybe not, now that I think about it. The liking it rough part is probably part of that, cuz sweet cuddling during penetration and all that is not conducive to thinking of sex as dirty and forbidden. They're not looking for connection, at least not during sex. However, if you find a woman who likes it sweet but still wants the penetration to be hard and fast, it's probably the first reason... but she'll probably be more open to the sweetness too.

As for your other questions, I guess my answer would just be that it depends. If you feel the need to talk, do so, but other times it might develop spontaneously. Same for when it's a good time. In my life, women have wanted it right away, and I liked that. However, it might be a whole lot of fun to get to know the other first and enjoy the anticipation of the dance of seduction where she lets you go only a little further each time.

I disagree

Just to put a female opinion out there, it's not really true that hard and fast is always more conducive to orgasm. That could depend on a lot of things: the woman herself, her prior experiences, what mood she's in, or even the time of her cycle...oh yeah, and the guy's technique. Sometimes a lot of pounding can actually be desensitizing (or worse, painful). But if they're egging you on, that's probably not the case...

Anyway, now that I've dispelled that myth, let me just say that maybe another reason women sometimes like rough sex is that it might be the only time in their everyday lives where they're allowed to be wild and crazy and let it all out. Normally we're expected to be polite, put-together, and responsible all the time, while men are pretty much expected to goof off or do risky stuff or go nuts over sports.

Vocabulary Removal

As soon as you can, get rid of the words "should" and "expected" (as in women are expected to . . . ). Those two words have messed up so many people (yours truly included). Try to go into relationships with zero expectations. That way your partner (and you) have room to grow.

I hate the male gender role stereotypes. I don't like sports, I don't goof off (well . . . I mostly don't goof off) and I'm not into physically risky stuff. I sure hope you would still consider me a man. Smile



I was talking about wider social stereotypes, not what I think personally. My point is that if you feel a lot of social pressure to act very controlled and inhibited most of the time, you might feel very liberated in a context where you feel free to act in an uninhibited fashion.


Yeah, I didn't mean to imply that. Just that it might take a good long while of continuous motion. Some women probably can achieve orgasm with very slow, sweet, intermittent motion, but that seems pretty rare. That doesn't mean that isn't enjoyable, but in my experience, women want the intense physical sensation too, thereby requiring the good long while of continuous motion, often at a fairly fast pace with a degree of "pounding". I didn't mean rough sex. That's the other thing I was talking about.

This is, of course, only half the story. A proper emotional state is prerequisite to anything mechanical, meaning if she's not there mentally, nothing physical is going to do much, or might take way way longer. Then, without proper lubrication, the desensitization or pain might come into play.

May I butt in to say

that you might try more lovemaking without orgasm? In my experience, those power struggles you're noticing tend to ease when there's no low dopamine in the mix. Wink Such an approach has the added benefit of making it unnecessary to worry about what brings women to orgasm.

Guess you knew I'd say this....