getting my boyfriend to be honest

Submitted by scorpio64 on
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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and 1/2 years. We have argued from the beginning about sex after he shared with me his philosphy that sex for him was about a surge of power and all about a womans"body". He said all men felt that way and I said "no I've been with men that "made love" and he claimed that is a wrong term. Ironically we have great sex and he has made strides in trying to be more loving and sensual and not all about the "orgasm objective"but for years he hasn't been very social,hasn't had many intimate relationships and is"underwhelmed"{his words} by most things in life. I thought{until I found this website} that it was all a product of an emotionally negligent childhood ...that he use sex as a way to fill up with what he didn't get as a child but after reading everything here I realize there is more to it then that. The miracle is he's receptive to this website and the a way recognizes that this drive for dopamine is where he's been living.He masterbates to porn but won't be honest about how much. He told me today he hasn't masterbated for 2 days and he sees no change. He's skeptical that being oxytocin driven vs. dopamine driven will have much value for him. He's willing to try...though and thats a step in the right direction. How often can we have intercourse where we both climax...with him not masterbating at all...with lots of bonding for him to feel differently?

Best of luck to both of you

This is actually very difficult to "have control"... But usually, after 2 weeks it becomes very easy.. controlling those two weeks is very difficult for men.
I am sure he will feel a lot of difference after two weeks. Keep us posted!


The answer to your question depends upon your objective. In our book we recommend that couples stick with the no orgasm approach for three weeks at a time, and then go back to regular sex and see what they notice over the next two weeks (in terms of feelings of well-being).

However, this alternative approach to lovemaking is not just three weeks of sitting around avoiding orgasm. Smile It's three weeks of bonding behaviors (the version in the book is called The Ecstatic Exchanges). For more on bonding behaviors and the Ecstatic Exchanges:

You can also click the "Hugging Permitted" picture on the left-hand column of the page (scroll down) to get to the "Exchange of the Day." (Just refresh the page to find an activity you like.)

Keep us posted.

"He's skeptical that being

"He's skeptical that being oxytocin driven vs. dopamine driven will have much value for him."

My boyfriend is abstaining (with karezza) for a while now (although I do not know if his still runs for porn sometimes, because I am just not strong enough to take it if it should be happening) and he still does not believe it is bringing him a benefit (he does it solely because of me and because of our relationship).


oxytocin vs dopamine

One thing you might want to tell him is that the benefits of oxytocin are quite different than dopamine. The feelings associated with oxytocin (or possibly vasopressin in men) are much, much subltler that dopamine. The dopamine rush is obvious, apparent and strong. Oxytocin's effects are sublte and soft, and as Marnia says, cumulative. You have to give oxytocin time. So there is no thrilling rush from oxytocin...but there is a feeling of safety, relaxation and, above all, security. But it takes time for oxytocins effects to show up...a few days maybe...and the person might overlook them if they are looking for a "rush" from oxytocin something like dopamine gives. Just my two cents. Btw, I tell you this from personal experience with Bonding Behaviors and Karezza :)

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you }:)

Hmmmm. More than a few days

Hmmmm. More than a few days have passed... even few weeks. I still do not understand completely why he should not realize the benefits. Thanks for your post anyway, Sapphire, I will show it to him. (Let´s see if it helps him learning about his own body, rs).