About that kiss: I have defined myself as a good lover for most of my life. I am tender and powerful; considerate and sensual. I know how to take my time and create the space for her to cum. My heart opens.
I am destroyed when I kiss her and see she's thinking about something else, when she lies passively in my arms. My ego.....when I get her heated up, it feels like she's showing up. It feels like love.
What I'm trying to pound into my head is to stop expecting her to change. She is post menopause, we've been together 36 years, she's just not into me. We've got a rich companionship but physical affection is a rarity. I give up. I've tried. Beginning of the 6th day post O. PIDA's are rare and will continue to be so. I'll ask for what I need before I need it too bad. I'll rejoice in her willingness to help me and not expect her to be into it. I can't continue to seek change in my self in order to change her. I can't succeed if I'm masturbating and using porn. Gonna get back to the Morita's and when I feel that first tinge of being taken for granted, I'll ask for help. My Izzy is willing to help if I don't blame her and take full responsiblity in my asking. She doesn't have to like the hug or the longer kiss. It's medicine she's feeding me....'cause I asked for it. I can't make her like it.
I'm up at 6:00, Izzy at 9:00. I start turning into a troll at 10:00 PM. Thursday I was too pissed to go to her bed and wait for her. Last night I was in her bed and tho' it wasn't all that I wanted, I'm looking forward to working the whole bed thing out (when, how much light, snuggling, shifting bodies, snoring.....oh and the scent of her and the sound of her breathing).
There's gonna be more measuring and accounting. She doesn't like that, but I don't see another way to avoid my feelings of hurt and resentment.
Ramble On! brothers and sisters