Submitted by annamarie on
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I have been trying the exchanges with my husband (of 11 years).
We got to the first intercourse one and the energy wasn't there for me to go ahead so we gave it a break for a few days and just spooned and snuggled, which was fine.
After a good day spent together talking I felt more connected and we went ahead with the intercourse exchange, it was great for a while but then I started going into my old thinking patterns, of "how long is this going to last? when can I sleep? I feel like my energy is being sucked" We were having intercourse for about an hour. And today I have a very irritable outlook and almost dread these long lovemaking sessions as being too draining. We first got into trouble because my libido has pretty much disappeared. Neither of us has had an orgasm in over 6 weeks and I was really hoping to not still feel so alienated and exhausted about the maintenance of my marriage. I wonder if I can ever get back to feeling in love and enthusiastic again?
Any Wisdom out there?


You say you had intercourse for an hour...that's kind of a long time to start out with. Forgive me for giving the obvious suggestion...but next time why not try just stopping as soon as it's no longer interesting for you? Or were you continuing because your husband was wanting more?

Being accomodating

I was hanging in there because he seemed to be really having a wonderful time, this also made me feel out of it and confused that he could be so disconnected to what was going on in my head, but I really should have been more honezt about where I was feeling I just didn't want to always be the party pooper.

Learning process

I wouldn't get down on yourself. I think it's all a process of learning. That means both learning to tune into your parter's experience more and learning to communicate better. It's not necessarily something that comes automatically.

Once that subconscious

aversion has built up it takes a while to dissolve. Stick to the daily bonding behaviors...whatever else happens. And maybe just make intercourse a meditation for a scissors position...with almost no movement. I think you'll find that eventually your inner guardian will relax again.

Keep us posted. Blog if you like.


may be

I am not even married, but just a thought....Could role-playing help? You and your husband can play out a fantasy? e.g. when I fantasize about my girl, I tend to think of various situation that work for me, a sexy secretary...or strict but sexy school teacher (not the scary type role play though)..I find some very very exciting...sexual role pay in accordance with novelty seeking behavior...
2 Months Sober from porn and enjoying every minute of that.
No M'bation since 17-Dec-2010 - First time in 16 years!

learned something.. on porn? hmmmm.....I learned something..I had no idea about this.. Thanks, Marnia Smile

2 Months Sober from porn and enjoying every minute of that.
No M'bation since 17-Dec-2010 - First time in 16 years!

I should have been more thorough in my answer

Like porn, your solution assumes that if both partners can be forced to become "hot," their problems are "solved," and they'll live happily ever after. This is not so, because intense stimulation can further dampen the pleasure response. That leaves some partners hungrier than ever, and other partners more turned off at the thought of more manipulative artificial "heat," that has little to do with building mutual attraction between their real selves.

Sex therapists who don't opt for the short-term, artificial cure of fantasy and porn all use techniques based on pulling back, engaging in more bonding behaviors, and avoiding all goal oriented behavior.